What the hell just happened? (Amped 11-30-16)
Alright, you ingrates. Let’s get this over with. This week’s Amped was... um... full of surprises. I’m not sure how I’m going to get through this. Nevertheless, here we go.
The evening began with a video package of the main event from The Thanksgiving Classic. For those of you living under a rock and in a cave with your fingers in your ears, the Rockstar Pro owners forced Rockstar Pro Tag Team Champions Jake Crist and Ron Mathis to compete against one another for a shot at Zachary Wentz’s Rockstar Pro World Championship. I respect our owners, but they’ve clearly gone mad with power. It was a great match. How could it not be? And Mathis came out on top.
When the video ended, Ron Mathis hit the ring. We all know how much he loves championship gold, and I can’t fault him for desiring to be Rockstar Pro’s World Champion. But family is family. Clayton Jackson and Zachary Wentz tried to reason with Mathis, as Jackson read texts from Jake Crist* himself. Mathis seemed unconvinced. Nevertheless, Mathis and Jackson would defend The Revolution’s Tag Team Championships against Night Ryderz in the main event.
Our first contest of the evening pitted “Trigger” Trey Miguel against “One Sick Puppy” Sid Fabulous in a singles match. The pairing made for an intriguing matchup, as both competitors have similar body types and explosive offensive skills. Fabulous’ experiential advantage was not enough on this night, and Miguel hit “The Loaded Clip” for the pinfall victory.
Next, we saw the first of three tag team matches of the night. Fight or Flight (Kyle Maverick & Nate Wings) faced off against The Brotherhood (Brother Reed & Mickey Muscles). We witnessed Brother Reed’s Rockstar Pro debut last week against Miguel. This time he brought his tag team partner along as well as some hot fire. Reed and Muscles came out swinging against their veteran opponents. Their offense was a little rough around the edges, but their energy and speed and athleticism could not be denied. Youthful exuberance, however, can only get you so far. Once Maverick and Wings were able to slow things down they took complete control. A mean Facelift from Wings and an absolutely devastating Yahtzee! from Maverick led to another Fight or Flight win.
God dammit. Now I have to write about Jon Murray. I’ll make it short and sweet. “Unskinny Bop” Murray (with “Lost Girl” Samantha Heights in his corner) had a singles match against Pompano Joe. Murray went for his patented prostate exam as per usual. He also sweated a lot as per usual. He hit Pompano with the Halbach Drop to get the win. This was unusual. Also, some idiot at ringside tried to capture Samantha Heights in a Poke Ball. Wrestling.
Our next match featured two actual professional athletes, as “The Baddest Man Alive” Aaron Williams went one-on-one against “The Pitbull” Ganger. As you might expect, this was a heavy-hitting affair. Ganger chops as hard or harder than anyone else in the Rockstar Pro locker room, and he suplexes with the best of them. On the other hand, Williams has educated feet and blistering strikes. It would be a combination of strikes and a nasty hold that led Williams to his second consecutive victory. Once he locks in that Triangle submission it’s just a matter of time before his opponent is finished. I don’t care that Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat is the special guest referee in their upcoming match. If Williams locks that Triangle in on Miguel, it’s all over for Trey.
“Mr. All-Purpose” Remi Wilkins would square off against “True Grit” Bruce Grey in the next match. It was an evenly matched contest that was either competitor’s to take, but we’ve heard this story before. Bruce hit the DDT. That led to a 1-2-3. As Grey was cockily celebrating his victory, the reigning and defending American Luchacore Champion “Juggernaut” Jeremiah attacked him. This sparked owner Gee Gee to grab a mic and give “True Grit” yet another undeserved shot at Jeremiah’s American Luchacore gold at A Killer Xmas.
In our second tag team contest of the evening, the newly formed team of Darin “Sex” Dinero and “The Monster from the Midwest” Kyle Kraven faced the unfortunate duo of the Baker and Bendy Legs. It’s good to know that Kraven is such a fair-weather friend that he could just leave his Bad Dudes comrades behind on a whim to join up with an oversexed, overflexed idiot. Anyway, Baker and Bendy got destroyed with a Superset. Kraven hurts people.
Dezmond Xavier then hit the ring to say something dumb. Thankfully, our amazing Rockstar Pro World Champion Zachary Wentz interrupted him to say something brilliant. I’m sure whatever he had to say was going to be great, but we never found out. That charlatan JT Davidson attacked Wentz from behind. He’s gonna get it at A Killer Xmas.
Okay. This is it. The main event. The final contest of the night would be The Revolution (Ron Mathis & Clayton Jackson) versus Night Ryderz (Dustin Rayz and Alex Colon) for the Rockstar Pro Tag Team Championships. Mathis seemed to always be eyeing Wentz’s World Championship, but somehow he still seemed very much focused on keeping his Tag Team Title. It started off as a great match, then things got weird. Jackson refused a tag from Mathis, and “Pecs” and the World Champ left the ringside area. Outnumbered and alone, Mathis dropped the Tag Team Championships to the Night Ryderz. After the newly crowned champions left the ring, Wentz and Jackson came back out and put the boots to Mathis. Only his traveling companions Bruce Grey and Sid Fabuouls would save him. Ron Mathis, Bruce Grey and Sid Fabulous stood united in the ring. They threw up the original two-fingered salute of The Foundation.
Honestly, I didn’t see this coming. And I just don’t know what to think about it. Jake Crist is a genius, and I trust in his leadership. He has done amazing things for Rockstar Pro and molded it into the incredible company that it is today. On the other hand, Ron Mathis has provided me personal guidance and incredibly insightful advice since my very first moment at the commentation station. I owe my color commentary career to both of these men. I just need some time to think about all of this.
That’s all for now. Buy the Network. I’m signing off.
* ”His Royal Badness” Jake Crist was not present at Amped, as he was attending to important family business.