Voice of Professional Wrestling (Amped 3-28-18)
Greetings, street gudgers and zesty mordants. As Spring Break: Friday the 13th looms in the near future, the wrestling action at Rockstar Pro keeps rockin’ and rollin’! Yes, Jon Murray is still #NotMyWorldChampion. Yes, life is bereft of all meaning. Nevertheless, we forge ahead.
The night began with a massive newcomer taking on a ring-tested veteran. It was “Monster” Montana Black going toe-to-toe with Pompano Joe. Joe was outmuscled and outweighed by his huge opponent, but Pompano is one crafty grappler. He did his best to outwit the beast and fight raw power with smart tactics. It looked as if Black would dominate, but looks can be deceiving. In an incredible feat of strength, Joe muscled through lifting his 325 pound opponent into a crushing Homey Driver for the pin and the win!
We were graced with the presence of our buddy and our leader “True Grit” Bruce Grey, as he led The Administration to the ring. Unfortunately, Grey was rudely interrupted by the pair of Alvarado and “The Delster” Mike Del. Brucey Jack turned a crisis into an opportunity by making a match then and there. The Administration (“Executive Secretary of Defense” Mr. Boone & “Executive Secretary of Offense” Mr. Bruise) squared off against the returning Alvarado and Mike Del in his Rockstar Pro debut. The challengers did their best, but an explosive Pounce by Mr. Bruise turned the tide in The Administration’s favor. Moments later both Executive Secretaries combined forces to finish off their opponents with a move I’m calling Checks & Balances. The Administration is stronger than ever! No chaos!
Two young guns clashed when “The Fresh Prince of Midair” Trey Miguel faced “Kinetic” Cole Radrick in a singles bout. Cole did his best, and he had the entire Nation cheering his name. But my man Trey was the superior athlete. He targeted Cole's head and smashed and bashed it repeatedly. Miguel blasted Radrick with a perfect Fresh 2 Death to earn a hard-fought victory, but that tribute was not enough for my favorite prince. “Hot Fiya” Myron Reed joined his brother-in-arms Trey in the ring to continue the decimation of Cole Radrick. They left him bloodied, battered, and possibly concussed. Welcome to the big time, Cole! I can't wait to see what state that pasty weirdo is in next week!
Triple Threat action followed between Trios Tag Team Champion Alex Colon, Trios Captain’s Champion Clayton Gainz and Nate Wings. Talk about bad blood! The hatred between Colon and Wings runs deep, and Alex is eager to get his hands on Gainz’s Trios Captian’s Championship. It was a high-paced, high-energy affair with impressive technical wrestling, high-flying and pure power abound. Alex even managed to get both Clay and Nate into a double submission hold that only Gainz’s sheer strength could escape! Eventually, Clay took control of Nate. As Gainz focused his attentions on a vulnerable Wings, the sneaky Colon pinned Clay with a quick Roll-up to steal a victory. That’s all well and good, but I expect a very different result when Clay’s Trios Captain’s Championship is on the line against Colon next week.
The evening’s second tag team contest pitted the Gym Nasty Boys (White Mike & Timmy Lou Retton) against The Dirty (Austin Manix & Brandon Edwards) in the dirties, nastiest tag match ever. This was a true clash of styles between two bruising brawlers and whatever it is the Gym Nasties consider themselves. It seemed that The Dirty’s aggressive style would secure a win, but the Nasty bag of tricks runs deep. Just as White Mike was about to be pinned, Timmy Lou slid the Sticky Mitten on Junior Junior Offical Bobson Dugnutt’s hand. The young ref understandably flipped out, wiping the genetic goo onto Edward’s face! This gave the freaky sex pests just the advantage they needed. The Nasties then hit Manix with the Uranage/Backstabber combo they call the Backeotomy for the win! The tag team division is alive and well at Rockstar Pro, but who will be the first to challenge Night Ryderz for their Trios Tag Team Championships?
Next up, six athletes battled it out in a Mosh Pit Scramble! It was “Special Dark” Suge D versus “Lost Girl” Samantha Heights versus Ace Austin versus Jordan Oliver versus Charlie Tiger versus “The Revolutionary” Darius Lockhart. Three Rockstar Nation favorites and three debuting newcomers were all set to mix it up. It was just as crazy and action-packed as every good Scramble out to be! I found Lockhart to be particularly impressive, but it would not be his night. When the ring was mostly cleared out, the always aware Suge D flicked Austin’s dong with a Cup Check for a quick pin and an impressive win. Suge is such a perfect match for Rockstar Pro. I can’t wait to see more of this guy doing what he does best!
Because “Big Daddy Ron” has lost his god damn mind he asked for another shot at the man who continues to beat him up. Round three of “Legendary” Larry D versus Ron Mathis was good to go. Once again, Larry pounded the trash out of Mathis the blistering blows and explosive power moves. That damned Mathis just would not stay down. D accidentally clobbered the ref and went for a chair. Mathis quickly countered and dropped D with a mean Tornado DDT to get the pin! Unfortunately for Mathis, the official was still down. D again wrapped his massive arms around Mathis’ back and squeezed all the oxygen out of him with a Bear Hug. While Ron didn’t submit, he did pass out. That was enough for the awakened official to call for the bell. In case you’ve lost count, that’s three for Larry D and zero for Ron Mathis.
In another clash of impressive young talent, “Hot Fiya” Myron Reed squared off against “Acey Baby” Ace Romero. Seriously. Stop reading this right now. Subscribe to Rockstarpronetwork.com for just five bucks and WATCH THIS MATCH. I’m not going to go into too much detail, but “Acey Baby” mostly dismantled Myron. He threw Reed into the Rockstar Nation. He Powerbombed Reed onto the ring apron. He even went for a steel chair, but when the official grabbed it from Ace’s heavy hands Myron jumped into action. Reed deftly slid into a Schoolboy on his enormous opponent to pin Romero’s shoulders to the canvas for a hard-won victory. Myron Reed is fucking amazing! He took the beating of his life and still came out victorious. Keep your eye on “Hot Fiya” as he rises to the top! Don’t get me wrong. Ace is still a phenomenal athlete, but I didn’t care for his pandering to the Rockstar Nation.
Our main event was a non-title match between *sigh* Rockstar Pro World Champion “Dipshidiot Supreme” Jon Murray and “Juggernaut” Jeremiah. Of course the Rockstar Nation was totally behind Jon Murray. Of course Jeremiah was the embodiment of assholery. Of course a thumb went into a bum. I hated every second. Murray won with a Choke Bomb, but at least Jeremiah stomped a mud hole in his fat ass after the match. I honestly can’t decide which of these men I least want to be World Champion. Oh wait. I dislike Jeremiah, but I HATE JON MURRAY!
There are only two weeks left until Spring Break. Alex Colon faces Super Crazy in a dream match! Murray and Jeremiah battle over the Rockstar Pro World Championship! The Administration versus Suge D and the Gym Nasty Boys! All that and more... if everyone survives the debauchery of next weekend in New Orleans of course. Remember to subscribe to Rockstarpronetwork.com for just five clams a month to see everything Rockstar Pro and more! Until next time, I remain your Rockstar Pro color commentator and the Voice of Professional Wrestling.