Voice of Professional Wrestling (Spring Break: Friday the 13th 4-13-18)
It’s April, and that means it’s time for binge drinking and beach parties and regrettable choices! It’s also a great time for murder. At Rockstar Pro Wrestling April means it’s time for even more incredible pro wrestling! That’s just what we gave you last Friday. It was Spring Break: Friday the 13th, and it was destined to be a massacre.
The show opened with a Three-Way Dance between Rockstar Pro day one original Nate Wings, “The Hawkeye” Steve Manders, and the enigmatic Utamaro. Wings brought the high-flying aerialist antics, Manders brought the raw power, and Utamaro brought something else entirely. All three competitors gave it their all in a fast-paced contest that proved to be a perfect beginning to our evening. In the end, Utamaro blasted Manders with a picture perfect Spike DDT for the pin and the win. In the span of only three nights Utamaro quickly became a favorite of the Rockstar Nation!
Next, “4-Loc” Cole Radrick went head-to-head against “Everyone’s Homey” Pompano Joe in a singles match. Pompano was lucky in that he wasn’t harassed by those dancing freaks that live under the ring at any point throughout this contest. Radrick, however, wasn’t so fortunate. Young Radrick’s cranium was on the receiving end of endless punishment for the past few weeks at Rockstar, and Joe wasn’t about to bring an end to the streak. Cole went for the Three Amigos, but Joe changed things drastically between the second and attempted third friend. He interrupted with a Homey Driver that dumped Cole right on his thick skull. Three seconds later, Pompano was victorious!
Our third match was a Mosh Pit Scramble featuring five young men eager to impress everyone at Rockstar Pro. Included in this bout were “The Cajun Kid” Sage Cainan, “Lights... Camera...” Jaxon Stone, “The Chosen One” Shane Bender, “Gifted” Chase Holiday, and a newcomer to the Rockstar Pro Arena “The Dagger” Mick Drake. Cainan and Bender utilized their predominantly aerial offense, while Drake and Stone relied on sheer muscle. Holiday brought a different approach, but it would not be his night. Alliances were formed and almost immediately broken, as each of these fighters desired to have their hand raised in victory. In the end, Cainan hit a variant of the Burning Hammer on Bender to take the win! “The Cajun Kid” had yet another impressive showing in Dayton. When will he bring his crab style back to the midwest, and who might he face in the future?
Next up, we had a title defense when Rockstar Pro Trios Tag Team Champions Dustin Rayz and Clayton Gainz were forced to work together against the intimidating duo of The Dirty (“Cutthroat” Austin Manix” & “Bulletproof” Brandon Edwards). This was unquestionably The Dirty’s best shot at gold in Rockstar Pro, as claiming that Gainz and Rayz do not get along with one another would be an understatement. The Dirty communicated effectively and truly put together an impressive effort. Unfortunately for the muscle men from Detroit, it would not be their night. Rayz hit the always debilitating Catalyst Driver on Manix and even kindly rolled out of the ring to give Gainz the win! Clayton Gainz and Dustin Rayz remain your Trios Tag Team Champions!
Fantastic trios rules action followed between The Administration (Bruce Grey, Mr. Boone & Mr. Bruise) and the sex-crazed trio of “Special Dark” Suge D and The Gym Nasty Boys (White Mike & Timmy Lou Retton). This match had it all: wardrobe changes, multiple shin kicks, The Administration’s Intern’s big balls, and “True Grit” Bruce Grey’s incredible denim apparel. In the biggest mistake of his career, Suge D DDTed Bruce Grey. Of course, Bruce popped right back up to his feet and waved a finger at the flabbergasted D. Bruce then hit his DDT for the guaranteed 1-2-3! What a huge win and another reminder that we should all trust, trust, TRUST in The Administration!
Before our next match could begin, a wild Ron Mathis appeared! In a very ill-advised move “Big Daddy Ron” challenged “Legendary” Larry D to a No Disqualifications, Falls Count Anywhere match right then and there! Of course Larry D accepted the challenge without delay. This one turned brutal quickly with the action spilling outside the ring and all over the arena. As they fought their way through the Rockstar Nation, D even Powerbombed Mathis right through our merch table! Mathis, however, would not stay down. D even hit Mathis with some of the attacks that defeated him in previous weeks. Nevertheless, Ron persisted. In an unprecedented feat of Strength, Mathis actually hoisted the massive Larry D onto his back to deliver an amazing ATM Piledriver! What the hell? Mathis actually defeated Larry D! Maybe he wasn’t so crazy after all.
Our penultimate match of the night saw Night Ryder and Trios Captain’s Champion Alex Colon take on the legendary “Extreme Luchador” Super Crazy! The match began with a bang as both incredible athletes took to the mat to outmaneuver their opponent. Unfortunately, Colon suffered a sever shoulder injury mere minutes into the contest. Anyone who knows Alex knows that didn’t stop him. Colon fought through the pain and put his health on the line to best the living legend. A confident Super Crazy climbed the turnbuckle to deliver one of his world famous Moonsaults, but Colon avoided the attack! He quickly pinned his down opponent to take the win. Nobody saw this coming! What a display of intestinal fortitude from Colon to fight through the pain and seize victory from the jaws of defeat.
The Rockstar Pro World Championship was on the line as “America’s Burden” Jon Murray defended against the biggest asshole in the Rockstar Pro locker room “Juggernaut” Jeremiah. In a clear show of favoritism, the match was contested under Jon Murray Pro Rules. Murray almost immediately went for a fan-thrown beer, but Juggernaut Pump Kicked it right out of his fat hands! That of course didn’t prevent Murray from repeatedly violating Jeremiah with vicious thumb strikes to the anus. “Juggernaut” fought through the pain and turned things around, but Murray again gained the advantage. As he went for a pin, our junior official P.D. Barton gave Murray the two-finger salute! Just like that, I have a new favorite referee. Then, “Iron Manager” JT Davidson showed up from out of nowhere and ruined everything. He hit Barton with a Spinebuster and blasted Jeremiah with Snake Eyes. This gave an exhausted Murray the opportunity to Choke Bomb Jeremiah and go for the pin. JT Davidson (not a licensed official) then made the three-count, and Jon Murray retained his god damned title! Bullshit!
Well, there you have it. Jon Murray is still your freaking World Champion. Sure, Jeremiah had him dead to rights. Sure, he’s a massive dumpster fire who has committed his adult life to indulging in every possible vice. Sure, he needed to rely on some other wrestlers’ manager to do it. But I’m also sure you’ll all still celebrate him as a conquering hero! Ingrates. Catch us live in Dayton or by subscribing to Rockstarpronetwork.com for only five bones a month! Until next time, I remain your Rockstar Pro color commentator and the Voice of Professional Wrestling.