Voice of Professional Wrestling (Amped 9-26-18)
Welcome back, grumpy plump dumps! Horror-Core is right around the corner. Are you ready for the a night of terror where every single match has a special stipulation? Well you better be, dammit. Because this shit is going down whether you like it or not. So there. Anyway, wrestling!
Our opening contest pitted “Executive Secretary of Defense” Mr. Boone against Crash Jaxon. These two big hosses really gave one another a thumping. Boone knows how to throw his weight around, but Crash is no slacker. He took advantage of a Boone misstep and hoisted the member of The Administration onto his shoulders for an Electric Chair-Style Takedown! It wasn’t the pretty offense, but it got the job done. Congrats to Crash for a big singles win! What’s next for you, kid?
Madman Fulton returned to Rockstar Pro to take on “Disasterpiece” Kobain in our next match. Poor, poor Kobain. First, he gets attack with a chair by Jon Murray for absolutely no reason. Then, he has to deal with Pillman’s cocky nonsense. Now, he gets put in the ring across from a 6’8” 300 pound monster! Needless to say, it was a brief contest. Kobain fought with all his heart, but Fulton put him away with a Last Ride. I don’t care if you’re World Champion or #1 Contender; watch out for this guy. Fulton is a serious threat.
In a DDT Pro Wrestling feature matchup “The Blazing Raze” Rekka faced Yoshimura. Both of these young athletes put on a helluva show. Whether you’re Japanese, Mexican, American, or any other nationality, the language of pro wrestling is universal. Rekka really looked to the Nation for approval, while Yoshimura seemed completely uninterested in the whims of Daytonians. Rekka took the win with a Flying Armbar. An impressive match! I look forward to seeing more of these two.
“Pure Trash” Ron Mathis went toe-to-toe with “Executive Secretary of Offense” Mr. Bruise in our next contest. Bruise did his best to dominate Mathis physically, but we all know that strength and resilience are two traits Ron most definitely possesses. He fought back and finished Mr. Bruise with a picture perfect ATM Piledriver! Bruce Grey was not amused, but he had his own match to worry about.
Two veterans of the ring clashed when The President of The Administration “True Grit” Bruce Grey met “Wait. Who is that again?” Pompano Joe. You can catch this one through Rockstar Pro’s YouTube channel for some reason. This was a battle of wits as much as a physical contest. In the end, Bruce hit once of the most impressive DDTs ever that I swear instantly gave Pompano rigor mortis. Victory for Bruce Grey! Victory for The Administration!
Tag team action followed as Rockstar Pro Tag Team Champions The Dirty (“Bulletproof” Brandon Edwards & “Cutthroat” Austin Manix) faced newcomers The Bambinos (Dom & Vinny) in a non-title contest. Before this match could even begin, Bruce had a few words for The Bambinos. It seemed Bruce really liked their taste in music. I guess it really stroked his ego. Nevertheless, Bruce extended his hand and the handshake was accepted! It’s official. The Bambinos are Administration material. Unfortunately for them, The Dirty were feeling less magnanimous. They hit the Dreamkiller on Dom for the 1-2-3. The Dirty continue to run roughshod over the entire tag team division at Rockstar Pro.
Nate Wings faced off against “Bare Knuckle Berserker” Lord Crewe in a match that was reminiscent of David and Goliath. You get the reference, right? Just read a book, will ya? Nate had to rely on all his cunning, as Crewe looked to land blow after blow to take some of the wind out of Wings’ sails. Once again, Nate proved that brains beat brawn any day of the week. Especially Wednesday. The referee got in the way as Crewe went for a big boot, and that was all Nate needed. Wings leapt up to Crewe’s shoulders and hit an amazing Reverse ‘Rana for the pin and the win! Nate impresses me more each and every week.
The #1 Contender for the Rockstar Pro World Championship “Legendary” Larry D is either supremely confident or developing a god complex. He demanded to put his position as #1 Contender on the line in the next matchup. The winner would get a chance at Aaron Williams at an upcoming event! Thus, we had a Fatal Four-Way between “Legendary” Larry D, “The Destroyer” Jeremiah, “The Hawkeye” 1 Called Manders, and “The Promised Prince” Brian Pillman Jr. Remember that “god complex” comment. Um. That could be accurate. Larry D won by Sitout Powerbombing Jeremiah onto both Manders and Pillman before pinning all three opponents at once. Overconfidence might be an impossibility for the man who possesses the best hand in the house! Aaron Williams, Larry’s coming for you. It’s not going to be pretty.
“The Ace of Spades” Ace Austin faced “Too Swole to Control” Clayton Gainz in what was supposed to be a standard singles match. Clay had other ideas. He challenged Ace on the spot to put the Wrestling Revolver Open Invite Championship on the line, and Austin accepted! It seems that Ace just can’t figure out a way to defeat Clay, and that precedent held true in this contest. After a flurry of kicks and knees from Ace, Clay remained focused. A Muscliest Musclebuster Ever kept Ace down and made Clay the new Wrestling Revolver Open Invite Champion!*
Our main event was a non-title contest between Rockstar Pro World Champion “The Baddest Man Alive” Aaron Williams and Alex Colon of the Night Ryderz. Want to know the details? Too bad! I’m tired. Check out Rockstarpronetwork.com and see it for yourself! All I’m telling you is that Williams won this one with a new submission he’s calling Dark Victory. It takes a lot to force Alex Colon to quit. “The BMA” is truly bringing a new level of depraved barbarism to Rockstar Pro.
That’s all for this time, weirdos. Join us for Amped every Wednesday night and Horror-Core on Friday, October 5th! Until next time, I remain your Rockstar Pro color commentator and the Voice of Professional Wrestling.
*Apparently this was never sanctioned, and management from both Revolver and Rockstar Pro do not recognize this as a title change. Serious horse shit.