The Foundation is Dead. Long live The Revolution! (Amped 11-16-16)
Ahoy, wastoids and wingnuts! The November 16th Amped was one for the ages as we welcomed a new competitor and a returning hardcore legend to Rockstar Pro Arena. Oh yeah. It was also ring announcer JP’s birthday. Who cares? Let’s get to the action!
The night began with “Kardiac Kid” Dezmond Xavier and “Iron Manager” JT Davidson on the mic. Xavier psyched himself up for his match against Sami Callihan at A Killer Xmas on Friday, December 2nd. Davidson made excuses for Dave Crist’s scheduled absence at A Killer Xmas and bragged about his own greatness. I can only take so much of OI4K’s verbal diarrhea until I get a bad case of dry heaves. Fortunately, my family showed up to save the day. Rockstar Pro World Champion “The Sickest Dude in ALL the Land” Zachary Wentz and Clayton “Pecs” Jackson hit the ring and destroyed the two OI4K braggarts. Wentz even curb stomped Davidson’s big, bald head into the World Championship itself! I love it! Best of luck in your World Championship street fight against Wentz at A Killer Xmas, JT. Spoiler alert: You’re going to lose. Badly.
Our first match of the evening featured one half of the “Dogs of War” tag team “The Pitbull” Ganger versus “Mustard Tiger” Patrick Henderson. If you’ve ever witnessed Ganger in action before, you knew exactly what to expect. He punched, clotheslined and suplexed the hell out of his larger opponent. In an unexpected twist, however, Ganger locked on a submission and forced Henderson to end the match by tapping out.
The second bout featured “Lost Girl” Samantha Heights facing off against international sensation “Undead Bride” Su Yung in women’s action. I’ll admit it. I was very impressed by Yung. Sure, she’s a freak of nature. But who doesn’t want a little freakiness in their lives? She fought well, blasting a seated Heights with a cannonball from the apron. Heights’ prowess was on full display, however, as it took a quick small package to secure her a win. If only she’d stop hanging out with Jon Murray.
Speaking of “The Bi-Curious Cat”, Jon Murray faced Mad Man Pondo in the next contest. Driven by the winds of his monumental ignorance, Murray was dumb enough to accept Pondo’s offer to wrestle the match under hardcore rules. Shit winds. Anyway, Murray went for a beer before the match even began. What kind of professional athlete does that? Despite everything from a wonky foot to crippling illiteracy to multiple shots to the groin working against him, Murray somehow hit a Dassey Driver to get a victory over the living hardcore legend. I have no idea how “Ole Top Ass” does it.
Business really picked up as my family hit the ring! “His Royal Badness” Jake Crist made a shocking proclamation (for all the plebes in the Rockstar Nation). The Foundation is no more! We have accomplished every single goal we set for ourselves and for Rockstar Pro. It’s time to move on. It’s time for Crist and The Revolution! In his first official act as leader of The Revolution, Crist applied “The Freebird Rule” to our Rockstar Pro Tag Team Champions. From here forward, any combination of Jake Crist, Ron Mathis and Clayton Jackson can tag together and defend our gold! Immediately making good on that promise, Mathis and Jackson faced the odd couple of The Baker and Bendy Legs. Any guesses on how this one turned out? I’ll give you a hint. The Revolution, baby! Mathis and Jackson hit the best Superset ever witnessed in the Rockstar Pro Arena and won the match. Jilted former Bro Warrior Darin “Sex” Dinero stuck his nose in Revolution business and instantly paid the price. What an idiot. I always knew Clay was the better bro.
Next, we saw four-way action in a match featuring “True Grit” Bruce Grey, “One Sick Puppy” Sid Fabulous, “All American” Daniel Winchester and “Mr. All-Purpose” Remi Wilkins. Grey would have nothing to do with a seductive Fabulous, and turned this contest into a bizarrely simultaneous pair of one-on-one matches. As fast-paced as it was violent, the action was nuts both inside and outside of the ring. Grey won with an incredibly sneaky DDT on Winchester. He sure wins a lot of matches... unless there’s a title on the line.
The penultimate contest was a tag team triple threat between Fight or Flight (Kyle Maverick and Nate Wings), Night Ryderz (Alex Colon and Dustin Rayz) and Bad Dudes (“Pompano” Joe and Kyle Kraven). Another insane contest began with fighting and flying before the bell even rang! Bad Dudes dominated for a while, with “The Monster from the Midwest” nailing a devastating double Kwaven-line. Eventually, the Ryderz got the upper hand and pinned Joe after an impressive Double Stomp/DDT from the turnbuckle. They’re still jackasses though.
Our main event pitted the glorious leader of The Revolution “His Royal Badness” Jake Crist against the youngest member of OI4K “Trigger” Trey Miguel. Miguel has been having a really hard time of late, as Aaron Williams has had his crosshairs firmly aligned on this young athlete. He would have an even harder time facing off against one of the greatest professional wrestler in the world today. Crist was amazing. Smooth as silk, creamy as butter, and nasty as he wants to be; Jake dominated. A Jam of the Year followed by a sick Piledriver, and Jake Crist stood tall. But that wasn’t the end of the story. Aaron Williams purposefully walked down the entrance ramp, eyes fixed squarely on Crist. After a tense moment, Williams went right for Trey. Crist even joined in for a Piledriver Party! It was so great to see these two longtime friends working together again just like when they were The Baddest Killers Alive. Williams continued assaulting Trey, until it took all of OI4K and Rockstar Pro’s owners to get him out of the building.
That’s all for now, assclowns. Be sure to come to live Amped tapings every Wednesday night, subscribe to Rockstarpronetwork.com, and check your local listings for the launch of Nu-TV. Until next time, this is your Rockstar Pro color commentator and Voice of The Revolution signing off!