Here’s something for which to be thankful, you ingrates. It’s another recap of the amazing action at Rockstar Pro Wrestling! The evening began with a match between the biggest weirdo and the best dancer in the locker room, as “One Sick Puppy” Sid Fabulous faced “Pompano” Joe in singles competition. These two really went at it. Sid took a beating but repeatedly stood up and asked for more. Only a delayed Homey Driver would keep him down for a three count and secure another victory for Joe. He’s “Everyone’s Homey,” not “Applesauce Butt.” Show some respect, you savages!
Next came another match that would shorten my life. “Dear Sam... and Jon!” Samantha Heights and Jon Murray took on the team of “Fight or Flight” Kyle Maverick and Nate Wings. It shortened my life because every time Murray steps into the ring I die a little on the inside. Heights gave Maverick a prostate examination, Murray spilled beer all over himself, and there were times when the match was more a make-out session than an athletic competition. I threw up in my mouth a little. The “Lost Girl” Heights ended up being “The Everyday Woman” Murray’s demise, as she hit her own teammate with a Flying Crossbody. Maverick and Wings both piled on their opponents for the three count, and by the mercy of the wrestling gods this match ended.
“The Baddest Man Alive” Aaron Williams then squared off against Daniel Winchester. Winchester’s strong amateur fundamentals have helped him establish himself at Rockstar Pro, but the youngster has yet to claim a single win at Rockstar Pro Arena. Williams was determined to deny Winchester his first victory, and locked a Triangle submission on the rookie for a tapout win. This in-ring success could really turn things around for Williams as he looks ahead to his match against fellow OI4K member “Trigger” Trey Miguel at A Killer Xmas.
Speaking of OI4K, the “Iron Manager” JT Davidson entered the ring with a mic to address his failures as a manager and mentor and indulge in self-delusion regarding his chances against Rockstar Pro World Champion “The Sickest Dude in ALL the Land” Zachary Wentz in their street fight at A Killer Xmas. “His Royal Badness” Jake Crist hit the ring to extend a hand of friendship and make peace, only to be viciously attacked by Davidson in an villainous indulgence of violence. Davidson is a dick. I can’t wait to watch my best friend Zachary Wentz pound him into the cold, hard concrete floor.
We were then treated to a hardcore handicap match that pitted “The Pitbull” Ganger against The Hickey Boys. Those poor, poor Hickeys. They had the numbers advantage, but Ganger knows hardcore violence like no other. He entered the ring with two Kendo sticks in hand and quickly made good use of them. After a few minutes of administering a brutal beating, Ganger finished the Baker (Or maybe the Butcher? Who cares?) with a Spinebuster onto a prone ladder for the win. What a nice palate cleanser after having to listen to Davidson flap his jaw for an eternity.
Our next contest was a singles match between OI4K’s “Trigger’ Trey Miguel and a newcomer to Rockstar Pro, a man we only know as Brother Reed. Miguel certainly had his hands full in this one. I believe “Trigger” has become so accustomed to being the youngest, fastest, most agile competitor in the ring that he was surprised by Brother Reed’s abilities. Reed pushed Miguel to the limit. The Rockstar Nation absolutely salivates over the hard-hitting, high-flying action on display in matches such as this. Miguel revealed some new offense when he hit The Loaded Clip on Reed for the pinfall win. The two young athletes hugged afterward in a show of respect. However, Trey should expect no such mercy, no such brotherhood, no such sportsmanship in his match against Aaron Williams at A Killer Xmas.
Here’s how crazy the owners are at Rockstar Pro. There was a scheduled Rockstar Pro Tag Team Championship match between champions and my family The Revolution (Ron Mathis and Clayton Jackson) and Night Ryderz (Dustin Rayz and Alex Colon). Once again, Colon failed to show up for a massive title shot. My family still wanted to fight, so Rayz was given the opportunity of a lifetime in a handicap match for the Tag Team Championships. Makes sense so far, right? Then, completely out of nowhere, Darin “Sex” Dinero shows up and becomes Rayz’s partner for the night! What the actual hell!? He wasn’t even in wrestling gear! What has Dinero ever done to deserve yet another title shot!? Despite this total abortion of justice, Mathis and Jackson fought on bravely and undeterred. A Superset and a Roll Up later, and The Revolution are still your Rockstar Pro Tag Team Champions! After the match, “The Monster from the Midwest” Kyle Kraven barged into the ring and attacked my family in an unprovoked and unprecedented show of aggression against the Tag Team Champs. What the hell is Kraven doing bro-ing out with Dinero? Bad Dudes need to keep their monster on a short leash!
Our main event of the evening would pit “True Grit” Bruce Grey against American Luchacore Champion “Juggernaut” Jeremiah in a non-title match. What a barnburner! These two would go at it tooth-and-nail as if the Luchacore title were actually on the line. Back and forth it went, with Jeremiah absolutely punishing Grey’s head and neck. As always, Grey simply doesn’t know when to stay down. The sweat flowed, the pain was dished out, and these two seemed bullishly determined to fight forever. Just as Grey hit a surprise DDT and went for the pin, the bell rang to signal that the time limit had been reached. This one ended in a time limit draw. Once again, Bruce Grey came oh so close but failed to secure a victory.
That’s all for this edition of Rockstar Pro’s Amped. I know that asking you, my dear readers, to be intelligent is an exercise in futility. Nevertheless, smarten up and subscribe to Rockstarpronetwork.com. Keep an eye out for us on Nu-TV. And get off your lazy asses to watch us live and in-person at the Rockstar Pro Arena. Until next time, this is your Rocsktar Pro color commentator and Voice of The Revolution signing off.