The Voice of The Revolution (A Killer Xmas 12-2-16)

It’s that time of year again, you snowmen-shaped simpletons. Time for holiday cheer and the best possible in-ring action. Time for gingerbread houses and brutal street fights. It’s Rockstar Pro, and it’s A Killer Xmas!

The night began with the first of three title matches, as American Luchacore Champion “Juggernaut” Jeremiah once again faced challenger “True Grit” Bruce Grey. After a Jeremiah victory at November Coming Fire and a time limit draw just last week, both competitors were eager to get their hands on one another. It was an absolutely brutal way to kick things off. Jeremiah seemed to be targeting Grey’s neck in a gruesome reminder of how he achieved victory last month. “Juggernaut” again wrapped Grey’s head in plastic, but this time “True Grit” powered out. He hit his patented DDT, and shocked the entire wrestling world by actually winning a match when gold was on the line. I’m only typing this because I have a journalistic obligation. Bruce Grey is your new American Luchacore Champion.

Our second contest featured a member of Crist and The Revolution, so you know it was going to be great! “The Bestest in the World” Sami Callihan faced his trainee “Unleashed” Dezmond Xavier. The entire Rockstar Nation thought it was guaranteed to be an epic confrontation, but there are no guarantees in this world. With a sneak attack Sunset Flip, Xavier pinned Callihan in a contest that lasted only seconds. Once again OI4K cheats its way to a win.

Next, “The Franchise” Shane Douglas squared off against Crist and The Revolution’s “White Trash Muscle” Ron Mathis. Douglas held his own (for a 52 year old man) against the deceptively strong Mathis. The younger, stronger, better competitor outclassed his opponent in a short and sweet affair. An incredibly agile Mathis leapt over the ring ropes and pinned Douglas with a Roll Up. It was a meaningful victory for Mathis and the entire Revolution. I’m sure once he’s done playing with his friends Sid and Bruce, he’ll come back to his family.

Speaking of my family, our next match featured the leader and namesake of Crist and The Revolution. Jake Crist squared off against “MDogg” Matt Cross, as Cross returned for his second match at Rockstar Pro Arena. This was a back and forth, incredibly athletic affair that pushed Cross (but certainly not Jake) to his limits. In a move that proved one should never underestimate “His Royal Badness”, Jake hit a Backslide on Cross from out of nowhere. Three seconds later, and you can chalk up another victory for Crist and The Revolution!

The fifth contest of the evening would end up being an abortion of a match. Why, you ask? Because that damn Jon Murray was involved! In the first ever Dragon Invitational, twelve professional wrestlers ranging from rookies to veterans scrambled to claim their prize. Entrants included Jon Murray, Remi Wilkins, Samantha Heights, Sid Fabulous, Ganger, The Masked Bonanza, Vinnie Scarpone, Kyle Kaylor, Pompano Joe, Clayton Jackson, Scotty Young, and James Avery. In a moment that I will never be able to wash clean from my mind’s eye, both Fabulous and Murray checked one another’s oil. That freak Sid even smelled and tasted his own musky essence on Murray’s thumb. He better not be doing that kind of stuff with my Mathis! Anyway, Murray hit the Halbach Drop on Avery. That was that. In one fell swoop, Jon Murray ruined the validity of Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat’s forty year career.

The evening’s second title match would pit newly crowned Rockstar Pro Tag Team Champions Night Ryderz (Dustin Rayz & Alex Colon) against both Fight or Flight (Kyle Maverick & Nate Wings) and the newly formed team of Kyle Kraven and Darin Dinero (Kravenero?) in a Lucha Libre rules match. It was a wild one with all six competitors giving their best effort. I’m not quit sure what either challengers did to earn a title shot, but I feel The Revolution are owed a rematch. And soon! Night Ryderz singled out the biggest man in the match, hitting a crushing Double Stomp/DDT combo they call the Chalk Outline on Kraven to secure a win in their first title defense.

In a feud that has stretches back for weeks, “Trigger” Trey Miguel would attempt to extract a measure of revenge on “The Baddest Man Alive” Aaron Williams with Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat as the special guest referee. OI4K continues to fall apart! I see it so clearly! Why can’t you morons? Williams came at Miguel hard to start the match, but a quick Miguel dodge cause Aaron to land hard on his own head. Steamboat allowed the match to continue, and Trey took full advantage of this opportunity. Williams’ war paint, however, was not just for show. It was an outward expression of the warrior spirit within him. Aaron battled back, locking in the Triangle for a win by submission. After the match, Steamboat attacked Williams despite the fact that he was a guest in the house that Williams built! No respect!

In an unscheduled additional appearance, Dezmond Xavier grabbed a mic and hit the ring. Apparently unsatisfied with his earlier victory, he demanded a rematch with his mentor Sami Callihan! It was an incredibly exciting affair that riled the Rockstar Nation into a frenzy. It went back and forth, with spit and insults flying as much as the competitors themselves. Xavier even somehow managed to survive a Stretch Muffler from Callihan and applied his own, defeating his mentor with one of Callihan’s signature holds. What a dick! After a handshake and hug, Sami had one additional lesson for the young high-flyer. Never take your eyes off of your opponent, Dezmond! You damn fool!

Our main event for A Killer Xmas achieved legendary status before it even began. The Rockstar Nation was thirsty for blood, as Rockstar Pro World Champion (AND my best friend AND my family AND “The Sickest Dude in ALL the Land”) Zachary Wentz defended his Championship against OI4K’s “Iron Manager” JT Davidson in a Dayton Street Fight. Davidson had talked a big game for weeks, saying he was going to teach “The Kid” a lesson by taking his favorite toy away. Despite the words of old man Davidson (and his bad back), Wentz is no kid! This fight got bloody almost immediately, as the competitors spilled out into the Rockstar Nation. A sick chair shot to Davidson’s head busted him wide open. He bled like a stuck pig! Plenty of chairs, a kendo stick, and a lot of pain later, both bloodied fighters struggled on. After being on the receiving end of two devastating Spinebusters into them, Wentz drove Davidson’s face into a pile of thousands upon thousands of thumbtacks. Tower Two is Down! The winner, and still your Rockstar Pro World Champion: “The Duke of Dayton”, “The Dragoon of Poon Lagoon”, “Sick Dude”, Crist and The Revolution’s Zachary Wentz!

What a night for Crist and The Revolution and Rockstar Pro as a whole! A Killer Xmas exceeded the hype in every way imaginable. With Rockstar Pro’s five year iPPV anniversary only two short months away, you simply have to subscribe to in order to keep up with all the action! Until next time, this is your Rockstar Pro color commentator and Voice of The Revolution signing off.

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