Greetings, slime diapers! As temperatures drop and cold December nights grow longer, Rockstar Pro heats things up with the hottest professional wrestling action available. This week’s edition of Amped was no exception.
The opening contest of the evening would see jilted bro Darin “Sex” Dinero go toe-to-toe with the still winless Daniel Winchester. This encounter was more interesting than I initially imagined, as both of these competitors have extensive amateur wrestling backgrounds. Dinero hit a mean Knee Lift directly to Winchester’s forehead, and that was that. Winchester’s losing streak continues, as Dinero remains mad at the world.
The lights went out. The lights came on. And the incredibly overconfident Night Ryderz (Dustin Rayz & Alex Colon) put their Rockstar Pro Tag Team Championships on the line in an open challenge to anyone willing to face them. Fight or Flight (Kyle Maverick & Nate Wings) quickly answered the call. This rivalry stretches all the way back to early September, when Rayz and Colon were considered just a couple of SOBs. It was a back and forth affair, and I must begrudgingly admit that Night Ryderz are really coming together as a team. They looked even more united than Maverick and Wings. The Tag Team Champions eventually singled out Wings and hit a Chalk Outline to retain their titles.
Oh god. It wasn’t just a nightmare. In the latest installment of “Dear Sam... and Jon!” Jonny “The Dragon Buffet” Murray bragged about his new friendship with the legendary Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat after winning the first ever Dragon Invitational at A Killer Xmas. Then, this rotund idiot was dumb enough to call out “Juggernaut” Jeremiah and mock him for losing the American Luchacore Championship to Bruce Grey last week. Unsurprisingly, the Baddest Dude put the boots to Murray and even dished out some punishment to his little friend Samantha Heights. If you play with fire, you eventually get burned! Stupid little children know this, Jon Murray!
This led immediately into a singles contest between “Professional Athlete” Jon Murray and “Juggernaut” Jeremiah. Man, Jeremiah looked great. He clearly wants his American Luchacore gold back, and he’ll go through anyone to get it. In what is sure to be a highlight of his career, Murray lucked out and hit the slowest... Oklahoma Roll.. ever... for a pinfall win. But his feet were under the ropes during the count. I cry foul!
After that ludicrous Murray victory, OI4K’s “Iron Manager” JT Davidson dragged himself to the ring with microphone in hand. Bleh. It was all typical JT hogwash. “I do it all for the fans,” and, “OI4K will always work harder than anyone else in this business for your entertainment.” That kind of crap. After an eternity, he eventually stopped blabbing. You’d think that the beating Wentz gave him at A Killer Xmas would shut his mouth.
Our third contest of the evening was a Triple Threat match between “The Pitbull” Ganger, “Everyone’s Homey” Pompano Joe, and “The Monster of the Midwest” Kyle Kraven. We still have no idea why Kraven turned his back on Bad Dudes. Hell, I imagine Kraven doesn’t even know. Nevertheless, these three muscular men had quite a brawl. Pompano’s veteran ingenuity was on full display, as he wisely pinned Kraven with an unexpected Schoolboy.
OI4K’s “Trigger” Trey Miguel and “Unleashed” Dezmond Xavier would square off in what my broadcast colleague Mark Turner called friendly competition. There was nothing friendly about A Killer Xmas for these two, as Miguel submitted to Aaron Williams’ Triangle hold and Xavier survived a brutal encounter with his former mentor Sami Callihan. At this Amped, however, it would be two young men who train together in a battle that would test both of their speed, agility, strength and endurance. For much of the match, it was too close to call. But friendly rivalries usually don’t stay friendly for very long. Xavier targeted Miguel’s head with a series of nasty kicks and a vile Kardiac Arrest to secure his victory over the newest member of OI4K. Enjoy these friendly matches while you can, jerks. In this business, nothing lasts forever.
Our penultimate match of the evening would see my family The Revolution (Clayton Jackson and Rockstar Pro World Champion Zachary Wentz) face off against Ron Mathis and his longtime friend Sid Fabulous. Emotions ran high during this heated contest, as it was Mathis who took the pinfall that lost The Revolution our Tag Team Championships. It was a great match, as I can take nothing away from the athleticism of all four competitors. In the end, the friendship between Ron and Sid was no match for the familial bond between Clay and Zach. Wentz locked in an absolutely vicious Stank Biscuit on Fabulous, and that sicko from Chillicothe tapped out. Of course it was during my family’s celebration of our glorious victory that Dave Crist returned to blindside Jackson and Wentz. Some call Dave “The Killer King.” I call him “Mr. Sour Grapes.” You lost the World Championship to Zach fair and square. Deal with it!
A non-title matchup featuring Crist and the Revolution’s glorious leader “His Royal Badness” Jake Crist and “True Grit” Bruce Grey, a guy who got lucky at A Killer Xmas, would be our main event of the evening. Grey thinks he’s the cat’s pajamas since becoming American Luchacore Champion less than a week ago, nevertheless Jake gave him the most challenging match of his career. Jake is simply a wonder to behold in the ring. It’s a real shame Grey was able to hit a DDT for the win. What really pissed me off happened after my brothers Zach and Clay came to the ring to check on Jake’s condition. Ron Mathis and Sid Fabulous ran out to gloat alongside Bruce about his win. After a short skirmish, it was decided. It will be Crist and The Revolution’s Clayton Jackson and Jake Crist against the temporary team of Ron Mathis and Bruce Grey next week on Amped!
Take one moment out of your pathetic lives to do something meaningful. Subscribe to Rockstarpronetwork.com to catch all the action, and keep an eye out for us on the Nu Television Network. Hell, buy your best friend or your favorite family member a subscription as a gift. Until next time, this is your Rockstar Pro color commentator and Voice of The Revolution signing off.