Voice of The Revolution (Amped 12-14-16)

Hey there, ding dongs! Take a break from your voracious consumerism and insufferable traditions to find out what went down at the latest taping of Rockstar Pro Wrestling’s Amped.

We began the night with a sit down interview between Crist and The Revolution’s Jake Crist and Ron Mathis hosted by my broadcast colleague Mark Turner. Of course, yours truly was offered the hosting position. I have close personal relationships with both wrestlers, so I did the right thing and I chose to recuse myself. Turner nearly blew it, but both Jake and Ron made fantastic points. It seems as if this internal conflict will be settled via a Best of Seven Series between Mathis and Crist, with the first confrontation scheduled for January’s iPPV New Year’s Revolution. If Jake wins, then Mathis comes home to his family. If Mathis wins, he gets a shot at Zachary Wentz’s Rockstar Pro World Championship. Come home soon, Mathis!

Our first contest of the evening would be a head-to-head battle between Daniel Winchester and “Mr. All-Purpose” Remi Wilkins. Would Winchester find success for the first time at Rockstar Pro? Would amateur ability outclass professional wrestling experience? Would the plucky youngster overcome the odds? Of course not. Remi hit the Blockbuster he calls Paid in Full for the 1-2-3 win. And no, Remi! You cannot have my sweet purple tracksuit!

The night’s first tag team match pitted Bad Dudes (“Juggernaut” Jeremiah & Pompano Joe) against Fight or Flight (Kyle Maverick & Nate Wings). It was quick. It was mean. It was a fight. The longtime friendship between Bad Dudes proved to be stronger than Fight or Flight’s tag team chemistry, as Jeremiah and Pompano combined forces with a Bad Dudes Driver to win the match. Before the victorious Dudes could even return to the locker room, “Lost Girl” Samantha Heights and “The Diabetes Daddy” Jon Murray hit the ring to insult the victorious team and challenge them to a match at New Year’s Revolution. Murray even went as far as calling them, and I quote, “pecker-heads.” What a fat fucker. Sam and Jon quickly found out they picked a fight they can’t possibly win. Bad Dudes ride in on the lightning and bring the thunder!

Next, we saw two giant muscle dummies pound on one another. Obviously, I’m talking about “The Pitbull” Ganger versus “The Monster from the Midwest” Kyle Kraven. Was it a technical masterpiece full of counters, reversals and acrobatic displays? Of course not, idiot! They beat the crap out of each other with lots of punching and power moves. Ganger hit a surprise counter to one of Kraven’s displays of strength and rolled him up to come out on top.

Lights go out. Night Ryderz are there. You know how this goes. While Alex Colon wailed like a banshee, Dustin Rayz grabbed a mic and made another open challenge to any duo in the building for the Rockstar Pro Tag Team Championships. That’s when the odds caught up with them. Mason and Devin Cutter (AKA a couple of Hooligans) answered the call, and the sheeple in the Rockstar Nation went bonkers. Hooligans did what Hooligans do, and them Cutter boys kicked the hell out of Colon and Rayz. A Brutalsville Device from the Cutters secured the gold. Night Ryderz must’ve learned an important lesson last night. Bark loud enough and long enough, and eventually a bigger dog will come looking for you. The new Rockstar Pro Tag Team Champions are Hooligans!

Rockstar management sure knows how to please the idiots in the Nation, as our next match was a Killer Triple Threat between OI4K’s (I refuse to put “The” before that.) “Kardiac Kid” Dezmond Xavier, “Trigger” Trey Miguel and “The Killer King” Dave Crist. Okay, screw you. Here’s where I get lazy. I’m not describing this match now. It would take too damn long to list all the moves. You know what these guys do; they’re crowd pleasers. Subscribe to Rockstarpronetwork.com. Nevertheless, Dave pulled out his JML Driver Four to keep his competition down. That was that. Dave and JT Davidson conspiring together to keep the young guys down as usual.

The best tag team match of the night would feature Crist and The Revolution’s “His Royal Badness” Jake Crist & Clayton “Pecs” Jackson in a bout against “White Trash Muscle” Ron Mathis & American Luchacore Champion “True Grit” Bruce Grey. Yeah, it got a little heated. Yeah, I know how much Mathis wants to be World Champion. Yeah, I know the first of Jake and Ron’s Best of Seven Series is next month. Nevertheless, I know my fam will come back home. Anyway, Clay showed old Bruce how a real man does it with a modified Schoolboy to win it for the proud and purple! This has to give Jake a ton of confidence heading into New Year’s Revolution. Ever the poor losers, Mathis and Grey and that satanic mechanic Sid Fabulous attacked The Revolution from behind. I know you love pain, Sid. Don’t worry. You’re going to get plenty of it. And soon.

Our main event was for the Rockstar Pro World Championship in another sick title defense for my best friend “The Sickest Dude in ALL the Land” Zachary Wentz as he faced internationally known wrestling sensation Sugar Dunkerton. Dunkerton reminded me of Jon Murray. He’s one of those wieners that thinks wrestling is all about having fun and entertaining the unwashed masses. It’s not! It’s about winning titles and being the best. Just like Zachary Wentz. The best! Dunkerton got cute one too many times, and when things got real they got really real. Nobody can be real like Wentz. He’s the dopest, turds! Stank Biscuit for the win.

That’s it for now. Subscribe to the damn Rockstarpronetwork.com or crawl back to your cave. This is your Rockstar Pro color commentator and Voice of The Revolution signing off.

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