What’s up, dirt grubs? It’s time to snap out of your holiday haze and discover what happened at the Winter Solstice edition of Rockstar Pro Wrestling’s Amped. We’re only a week away from our massive Super Show, so prepare to have your head explode in a rage of awesomeness.
We opened this edition of Amped in the best way possible, with a match featuring “His Royal Badness” Jake Crist! The glorious leader of Crist and the Revolution would face Sid Fabulous in a singles contest. Sid got in some good licks, I’ll give him that. That greasy freak can take some serious punishment and dish it out too. Nevertheless, Fabulous was no match for my family! Jake hit a Small Package Driver from out of nowhere. One KISS from Jake, and it was goodnight for Sid. Afterward, Sid’s buddy Bruce Grey came out of the crowd to assault Jake with a DDT. Grey was banned from competition for the night! What a jackass!
Next, we saw a Fatal Four Way featuring “Beerzerker” Alex Rudolph, lucha libre-trained Low Rider, “Man Without Fear” Kyle Maverick, and Daniel Winchester. As is often the case when four hungry athletes square off, this one was complete and utter chaos. Rudolph used his size advantage to throw his opponents around, Low Rider bounced and flew all over the ring, Maverick focused on strikes, and Winchester again displayed strong amateur wrestling fundamentals. In the end, Maverick hit a devastating Yahtzee that cleaned Winchester’s clock to secure the win.
Our second one-on-one singles match pitted the young sensation Myron Reed against jilted bro Darin “Sex” Dinero. This matchup was a perfect example of speed versus strength. Myron reminded the Rockstar Nation why his fans love to chant “Fly, Reed, fly,” with an impressive display of energy and acrobatics. His high-flying would be his own undoing, as “Sex” blasted a diving Reed in the face with a European Uppercut for the win. Congratulations, Dinero. You may have a helluva lot of notches on your bedpost, but you’ll never be as good a wrestler as Clayton Jackson!
2 Bad Dudes (Pompano Joe & “Juggernaut” Jeremiah) squared off against “Professional Athlete” Jon Murray (with “Lost Girl” Samantha Heights in his corner) in what was billed as a Handicap Match. Let’s be honest though. This was a straight up tag team contest, as Murray partnered with his own substantial gut. The most exciting moment came when the entire building was convinced that Murray died in the ring. He just sat there like an immovable lump. He eventually came to, only to be on the receiving end of a Superkick from Jeremiah. That was that. 2 Bad Dudes earned another victory! Of course “Ms. Sour Grapes” Samantha Heights decided to extract a measure of revenge on the Bad Dudes’ beanbags. She’ll get what’s coming to her. New Year’s Revolution is only a couple short weeks away.
In more great singles action, we next witnessed “The Killer King” Dave Crist versus Fight or Flight’s Nate Wings. While massive jerkwads, both men are incredible athletes. This was a back and forth affair that truly could have gone either way. Dave used his size and strength advantage to finish off Wings with two mean Powerbombs and an even meaner F5. Who should come out to congratulate Dave with a handshake? Why, it was none other than Jake Crist! And you idiots claim that Crist and the Revolution are only in it for ourselves. Oh yeah, then JT Davidson spouted off some nonsense. Damn, he’s loud. And obnoxious. And bald.
Our next scheduled match was supposed to be “Pitbull” Ganger facing off against “The Monster from the Midwest” Kyle Kraven. However, Kraven was nowhere to be found. This led Ganger to grab a microphone and pull off the best mic work of his entire career. We all know Ganger usually prefers to let his fists do the talking, but with no opponent around he had few options. He really laid into Kraven. I, for one, am very intrigued to see where this goes.
Two favorites of the Rockstar Nation went head-to-head, as “One-Armed and Dangerous” Gregory Iron fought 2016 Tournament of Death Winner Rickey Shane Page. Iron may be a bit of a dick who is more interested in being a celebrity than a wrestler, but he showed a lot of guts standing up to a man nearly twice his size. Also, I think RSP is getting sick of the Nation’s antics. He had to tell them more than once, “I can do more than bleed.” Page nailed Iron with a horrifying Roaring Elbow to earn himself a win via pinfall.
Two of the most bodacious bodies in professional wrestling today went toe-to-toe, as The Revolution’s Clayton “Gainz” Jackson faced “White Trash Muscle” Ron Mathis. This matchup featured muscular menace at its finest, as each man considers himself the biggest bod in Rockstar Pro. Both of these warriors punched the shit out of one another. It spilled outside of thing ring, and the pair of powerhouses brawled to a double count out. I know these two are just working out their aggressions, but Mathis needs to check himself before he wrecks himself. He needs to stop hanging out with that loose cannon Bruce Grey. Grey just couldn’t stay on the sidelines and unleashed a sneak attack DDT on brother Clay as well! I hate that idiot, Bruce Grey! Nevertheless, I know Ron will eventually do the right thing. We’re still waiting for you, Mathis. Come home soon.
The main event of the evening was for the Rockstar Pro Tag Team Championships. Newly crowned Rockstar Pro Tag Team Champions The Hooligans (Devin & Mason Cutter) defended their titles against OI4K’s “Kardiac Kid” Dezmond Xavier & “Trigger” Trey Miguel. Don’t ask me why they deserved a title shot. There’s no rational response! Both teams are known for their high-flying and hard-hitting action in the ring, and this match proved to be no exception. There were plenty of moments in which the Nation sensed another Tag Team Championship change, but even the best efforts of Xavier and Miguel would not bring them victory. The Cutter brothers hit a Brutalsville Device to retain their gold. Afterwards, the lights went off and on again to reveal Night Ryderz in the ring. They attacked the Hooligans and OI4K and even hit junior official Brian with a Chalk Outline! Scandalous!
That’s it for this week. Enjoy your unbridled consumerism, avarice, sloth, and other holiday crap. Maybe even purchase a subscription to Rockstarpronetwork.com for that special someone on your list. Until next time, this is your Rockstar Pro color commentator and The Voice of The Revolution signing off.