Happy 2017, fartknockers! What better way to ring in the new year than with an amazing episode of Rockstar Pro’s Amped? As always I’m here to bring you pure, unfiltered truth directly from the commentation station.
Any hopes I had for a fantastic year were immediately dashed when I saw that bottom feeding weirdo Sid Fabulous hit the ring. Really? The first Rockstar Pro match of 2017 had to feature the most bizarre guy on the roster? Nevertheless, Sid faced Patrick Henderson in a singles bout. Henry used his significant weight advantage to throw the smaller Fabulous around the ring for awhile, but only the foolish would underestimate Sid’s toughness. Fabulous took advantage of a brief opportunity to turn things around and hit Sid Knees to defeat “The Man in the Tiger Singlet.”
Next, the Rockstar Pro Tag Team Champions The Hooligans (Devin & Mason Cutter) took on Fight or Flight (Kyle Maverick & Nate Wings) in a non-title contest. This one was very interesting, as Maverick’s strikes and Wings’ high-flying were perfect counterpoints to The Hooligans’ skill set. However, despite Fight or Flight’s best efforts The Hooligans came out on top. Devin and Mason hit the Brutalsville Device on Maverick to secure the win. After the match the lights flashed on and off. Night Ryderz (Dustin Rayz & Alex Colon) appeared and beat the holy hell out of both Cutters and Uncle Leo! The Ryderz will challenge The Hooligans for their Tag Team Championships at New Year’s Revolution, while Fight or Flight will have their hands full against Ugly Ducklings.
“His Royal Badness” Jake Crist was scheduled to face “White Trash Maniac” Ron Mathis in the first of their Best of Seven Series to determine who would secure the right to challenge the Rockstar Pro World Champion for his title. Unfortunately, anything can happen in wrestling. A humble Crist addressed the Rockstar Nation, apologizing that the match would be postponed because of an injury he suffered over the weekend. Of course, the ungrateful morons in the Nation wouldn’t listen. Mathis joined Jake in the ring to work things out like a family. IF Jake is well enough and IF he is cleared by Rockstar Pro’s owners the first in this series will take place at New Year’s Revolution. I know you’ll come home to The Revolution, Ron. I’m still waiting...
The third match of the evening was a Triple Threat between American Luchacore Champion “True Grit” Bruce Grey, Daniel Winchester, and “Beerzerker” Alex Rudolph. Talk about your clash of styles! Rudolph is a pure brawler, Winchester sports strong amateur fundamentals, and Grey still boasts “an old school mentality with a new school physicality.” Real original, Bruce. You can rhyme. Anyway, this one was highly entertaining. I love watching Rudolph go nuts in the ring. Headbutts galore, and even foot rakes! Just as I was beginning to enjoy Rudolph’s antics, Bruce had to ruin everything with a DDT to the big man. Grey will defend his title at New Year’s Revolution against 2016 Tournament of Death winner Rickey Shane Page. Seems to me “True Grit”’s title reign will be a short one.
My bro Clayton “Puts the REAL in Gorilla” Jackson went one-on-one with “The Killer King” Dave Crist in the next contest. Talk about a wild one! JT Davidson got involved before the bell even rang, while Clay and Dave brawled outside the ring. Dave has always been aggressive, but Clay has truly unleashed the beast since his singles draw with Mathis two weeks ago. Jackson looked so good in this match, going up against a wrestler with ten plus years of an experience advantage over him. Unfortunately, Dave pulled out the Square and Compass to bring an end to this back-and-forth affair. Now that that’s over, Jackson can focus on defeating his former bro Darin Dinero this Friday.
Our second tag team match of the night featured Bad Dudes (“Juggernaut” Jeremiah & Pompano Joe) versus N3 (Myron Reed & newcomer “IK3” Jonathan Wolf). What the hell is an N3 anyway? These youngsters coming to Rockstar Pro surely are athletic. They can fly, they can strike, and they can get the nation all riled up. However, the most athletic wrestler is not always the victorious wrestler. Bad Dudes used their wits, experience, and toughness to defeat their younger opponents. The highly intelligent Jeremiah pinned Reed with a quick Schoolboy for the win. Bad Dudes looked great celebrating their victory... until Jon “New Years Baby” Murray sexually assaulted them by checking their oil. Murray won’t be so jolly when he’s squaring off against Bad Dudes with only “Lost Girl” Samantha Heights by his side at New Year’s Revolution!
The penultimate contest featured “The Baddest Man Alive” Aaron Williams taking on “Kardiac Kid” Dezmond Xavier. I love these OI4K versus OI4K matches. I’m sick of hearing from the Rockstar Nation that The Revolution is falling apart. OI4K is the truly dysfunctional family! These two went at like two Alphas in a prison yard, pummeling the hell out of one another and asking for more. Williams asserted his dominance with a trio of devastating kicks to the cranium that finally KOed Xavier. Williams continued his lesson in brutality after the match, stomping on the defeated Dezmond. Only “The Fresh Prince of Mid Air” Trey Miguel could save Xavier from Williams’ wrath. Miguel and “The BMA” will have a rematch this Friday. This is as personal as it gets!
It was all about Crist and The Revolution, as Rockstar Pro World Champion and “Sickest Dude in ALL the Land” Zachary Wentz faced “White Trash Maniac” Ron Mathis in our main event. Zach was obviously bearing the standard of purple pride, while Mathis was busy pounding off with his friends in the so-called Foundation. Tensions ran high, and the in-ring action was hot as hell! In fact, it often spilled outside the ring. Wentz showed just how dangerous his knee strikes can be, but Mathis proved a formidable opponent. Then, Sid Fabulous and Bruce Grey ruined everything. Clay came to ringside to cheer on his brother Zach, when Fabulous and Grey attacked him for absolutely no discernible reason! The match was ruled a no contest thanks to Mathis’ buddies. After the ring was clear of everyone but Mathis, Jake made a return appearance. He walked right up to Ron, gave him a meaningful kiss, and disappeared into the night.
It was a great first show of the year, and it’s bound to get even better at New Year’s Revolution. Be there this Friday to see the best independent wrestling in the world! Until then, idiots, I remain your Rockstar Pro color commentator and Voice of The Revolution.