The year or of the rooster? The year of the bigot? No way! 2017 is the year of The Revolution! All you puds and duds follow along closely because it’s Bork Torkleson here, and I’m going to fill you in on everything that happened at Rockstar Pro Wrestling’s New Year’s Revolution!
Tension was thick in the air, as the Rockstar Nation prepared to watch the Bro Warriors explode! Finally, weeks after Clayton “He Puts the REAL in Gorilla” Jackson ditched Darin Dinero to join The Revolution the two faced off in singles competition. Mama Jackson was loud in the crowd, as the majority of the fans cheered on that idiot Dinero. It was clear to see which man was the largest, strongest and greatest. Clay absolutely dominated Dinero! “Sex” got blasted in the face with some protein shake before taking a devastating Muscle Buster from Jackson. My brother Clay got the 1-2-3 to finally prove he’s the best big man at Rockstar Pro!
Match two pitted Bad Dudes (“Juggernaut” Jeremiah & Pompano Joe) against Dear Sam and Jon (“Lost Girl” Samantha Heights & Jon “Nine Cans of Ravioli” Murray) in a Jon Murray Pro Rules Match... whatever the hell that means. After Jeremiah’s adoring fans gifted him a collectible NES cartridge, things went south once Murray and Heights entered the ring. Yes, Murray put his thumbs in butts. Yes, Jeremiah was forced to taste his own Murray-tainted thumb. But it was Bad Dudes who truly shocked the Nation. Pompano grabbed a chair and clobbered Murray and Heights. Jeremiah claimed Sam was his girl before punting a steel chair into her face. He then hit Heights with a Popup Powerbomb onto a steel chair, securing the victory. Bad Dudes finally gave Jon and Sam the humiliation they deserve!
Our third match can best be described with one memorable word throughout wrestling history: slobberknocker. “Pitbull” Ganger and “The Monster from the Midwest” Kraven haven’t been getting along lately, and Ganger grabbed a mic to share some scandalous thoughts on Kraven over the last two weeks. It all came to a head at New Year’s Revolution as the two met in a match. Hard chops and punches? Check. Suplexes and slams? Check. It was clear these two truly hated one another. In a vicious ending, Ganger choked out “The Monster from the Midwest.” Will this calm the waters between these two hosses? I doubt it.
“His Royal Badness” Jake Crist faced “White Trash Muscle” Ron Mathis in the first of their Best of Seven Series to determine who would challenge the Rockstar Pro World Champion in the future. This one was of course incredibly difficult to call, as I consider both of these competitors members of my family. These two know each other so well it was impossible to predict the outcome. It was an incredibly even, back-and-forth matchup with each wrestler getting in his best offense. In the end, Jake proved that intelligence overcomes strength with a Backslide for the win. Jake is up 1-0! “The Killer King” came out to congratulate Jake to chants of “O-I-4-K!” I didn’t care for that in the slightest.
The WXW Shotgun Championship was on the line, as “The Product” David Starr* defended his title against “The Bestest in the World” Crist and the Revolution’s Sami Callihan. This was as heated a contest as anyone will ever see in professional wrestling, with some seriously punishing strikes and submissions. Each athlete focused on his opponent's legs in attempts to take away their vertical base. Starr blindsided Callihan with kicks to the back of the leg, and Sami countered by stripping one of David’s boots off and stomping his foot into oblivion. After an intense and grueling contest, Starr somehow powered through Product Placement to pin Sami and retain his German championship. Bummer.
Tag team action continued, as Fight or Flight (Kyle Maverick & Nate Wings) squared off against the returning Ugly Ducklings (Lance Lude & Rob Killjoy) with their fat friend Coach Mikey. It was an intriguing contest, especially when Lude and Wings were in the ring together. With both accustomed to being the smallest man in the ring, each had to adjust their styles. Maverick and Killjoy were no slackers, as this one maintained a quick (Not quack!) pace throughout. In the end the Ugly Ducklings obliterated Maverick with a Ducksday Device to earn their first win in the Rockstar Pro Arena. If only they weren’t delusional, dog-faced mother duckers I might actually like them.
“True Grit” Bruce Grey defended his American Luchacore Championship for the first time against not only his scheduled opponent Rickey Shane Page, but also “The Fresh Prince of Mid Air” Trey Miguel, “One-Armed and Dangerous” Gregory Iron, and “The Ace of Spades” Ace Austin in a Mosh Pit Scramble for the title! Like so many Mosh Pits before, this one was difficult to translate via keyboard. When the bell rang everyone attacked the Luchacore Champion to beat him down early. Iron and RSP really went at it for awhile. It’s so entertaining to watch a little guy who thinks he can take down a man twice his size. We thought it was all over when Grey recovered and locked in a DDT on Shane Page, but Miguel floored Bruce with Double Knees off of the top rope. Austin moved in on Trey, only to take Rolling Dice and a pinfall! OI4K’s Trey Miguel is the new American Luchacore Champion. That’s the one outcome that’s worse than Grey retaining the title! Dammit!
Night Ryderz (Dustin Rayz & Alex Colon) challenged The Hooligans (Devin & Mason Cutter) for their Rockstar Pro World Championships. This match turned into a brawl before the bell could even ring. All four competitors fought outside the ring in a rumble that was more like a bar fight than a pro wrestling match. They fought back into the ring, so the match could actually begin. The cheating Dustin Rayz attempted to smash The Hooligans’ faces in with a Tag Team Title belt, but the rotund hillbillies were quicker than they appeared. Mason hit Rayz with a quick Rollup to keep the Rockstar Pro Tag Team Championships around the substantial waists of the brothers Cutter.
New Year’s Revolution’s main event was one for the ages. “The Killer King” Dave Crist challenged my best friend “The Sickest Dude in ALL the Land” Crist and the Revolution’s Zachary Wentz for his Rockstar Pro World Championship! This one was absolutely insane, but I’m not going to go into the details. For that you’ll have to subscribe to Rockstarpronetwork.com! What you need to know now is that Gee Gee finally showed why he’s called “The Voice of Reason” and Wentz hit an absolutely beautiful Tower Two is Down Curb Stomp on Dave to keep the Rockstar Pro World Championship around his perfect waist. Zach proved he is truly “The Sickest Dude in ALL the Land” by committing regicide on that fateful night. Of course, that wasn’t all that happened after the match. In brief, the original members of OI4K are back together. I don’t want to address that any further right now. It really added a downer ending to an otherwise almost perfect evening.
What’s going to happen going into FIVE? I have no freaking idea, but it seems like some crazy changes might be coming our way. Be sure to attend Amped tapings every Wednesday at 1106 E. 3rd St. in Dayton, Ohio so you don’t miss out on any of the action. Until next time, I remain your Rockstar Pro color commentator and Voice of The Revolution... I think.
*There is absolutely zero chance of me listing all of his goddamn nicknames here.