Voice of The Revolution (Amped 1-18-17)

After suffering through an entire day of online harassment, I’m still here to bring you all the action from this week’s edition of Amped from Rockstar Pro Wrestling. I shouldn’t be so good to you ungrateful ingrates, but I’m a nice guy.

Oh boy. “The Killer King” Dave Crist was in the first match. The show barely even began before I had to choke back my own sick, as Dave’s legions of idiot fans cheered incessantly. He faced two newcomers in the form of Idol Heinz and “Category Five” Corey Storm. Heinz brought the power and Storm brought the high-flying, but neither were able to get the better of Crist. He hit his own version of the F5 (Let’s call it The Five Points of Fellowship) for the win.

Our second match could be found in the dictionary if one looked up the word “slobberknocker.” “The Baddest Man Alive” Aaron Williams squared off against “The Wildman from the Ozark Mountains” Alex Rudolph. This was one of those matches that hurts to watch. Not because it was bad, but because the strikes were so savage they reverberated throughout the arena. Aaron eventually got the upper hand by targeting Alex’s injured foot. Williams lifted the massive Rudolph into the air and powered through a Cradle Piledriver to secure a victory.

Dammit. Right on the heels of an awesome match came a freaking “Dear Sam & Jon” segment. It was Samantha Heights’ birthday. Big deal. They invited the new American Luchacore Champion “Trigger” Trey Miguel to join them and answer softball questions. It didn’t really get interesting until Bad Dudes hit the ring to kick everyone’s asses. In a surprise contest, Slady Wilson teleported in from Earth 616 to challenge Heights! She looked amazing in her Amped debut, but Heights had to ruin the party as usual. Heights won the match, but her birthday wasn’t happy for long. Jeremiah wished her a happy birthday (in his own incredibly violent manner) and made a match for FIVE. It’ll be “Lost Girl” Samantha Heights versus “Juggernaut” Jeremiah in a hardcore match!

Finally, we got the pleasure of seeing The Revolution’s Clayton “Gainz” Jackson in action against newcomer “Big Beef” Garvin. Big Beef? Really? Did he look across the ring to see what a real beefcake looks like? Jackson asserted his dominance over Garvin by generating a lot of power. “Big Beef” got in a few licks, but he was no match for the man who puts the REAL in gorilla. Jackson destroyed Garvin with a Jackhammer, and three seconds later he was declared the winner. The Revolution looked great as always!

The first tag team match of the evening featured three teams looking to get into the title race for the Rockstar Pro Tag Team Championships. It was N3 (Jonathan Wolf & Myron Reed) versus The Foundation (Bruce Grey & Sid Fabulous) versus Night Ryderz (Dustin Rayz & Alex Colon). Most of the match consisted of either Night Ryderz or The Foundation beating the crap out of poor, little Jonathan Wolf. I’m not ashamed to admit I was highly entertained by that. Once the two more experienced teams set their sights on one another, the match’s brutality intensified. The referee had a very difficult time maintaining control until Night Ryderz punished Myron with a Chalk Outline to win.

Next, Daniel Winchester faced Kyle Kwaven in a battle of two big boys. Would Winchester live up to his namesake and win...chester? Of course not, you big dummy! Daniel’s strong amateur fundamentals were no match for Kyle’s overwhelming power. One Pumphandle Powerslam guaranteed the 1-2-3 for “The Monster from the Midwest.” We heard a tremendous clatter when Kwaven went behind the curtain. It turns out Ganger was waiting for him with a steel chair in hand. He pounded the match victor into oblivion and strutted away.

The Rockstar Pro Tag Team Champions The Hooligans (Devin & Mason Cutter) were up next in non-title competition against Fight or Flight (Kyle Maverick & Nate Wings). Fight or Flight were desperate for a win, as The Hooligans have had their number since gaining the Tag Team Titles. Maverick and Wings did their best and only suffered a few miscommunications, but the night was not meant to be theirs. Heh heh. Losers. The Cutter brothers hit their patented Brutalsville Device on Wings to maintain their position at the very top of the tag team mountain.

Our main event had me anxious and nervous. I was almost as sweaty as Turner! In the third of their Best of Seven Series “The Artist” Jake Crist faced “White Trash Muscle” Ron Mathis with the series tied 1-1. This time, however, it was to be no count out, no disqualifications, falls count anywhere! The only stipulation (by order of “The Voice of Reason” Gee Gee) was that Dave Crist was banned from ringside. So torn. So torn. Both of these great athletes have taught me so much. The bell rang and Jake immediately hit a Copy of the NWO DVD, but Mathis bounced back. The brawl spilled into the Rockstar Nation and Dave appeared* to get in some stomps on his brother’s opponent, but Mathis recovered. Jake tried for a Backslide, but Mathis escaped. Sid tried to get involved, but that bald idiot “Iron Manager” JT Davidson took him out with a mean Spinebuster. Jake fended off an aggressive Bruce Grey, but Mathis took advantage of the distraction masterfully with some strategically targeted uppercuts. Mathis lifted Jake high onto his shoulders for a Torture Rack, and Jake submitted! Mathis now leads the series 2-1. Immediately following the match, Rockstar Pro World Champion Zachary Wentz and Clayton Jackson hit the ring. All four members of Crist and The Revolution were briefly reunited! Mathis stepped aside, and the future of this company put the boots to “The Artist.” Jake, I’m sorry. I love you, but you deserve this for joining back up with OI4K. As the match was over, Dave ran into the ring along with OI4K’s Dezmond Xavier to protect Jake Crist. At least, that’s what the Rockstar Nation thought. It turns out Dez isn’t as dumb as I thought he was. He finally saw the light and joined The Revolution, beating the devil out of Dave Crist in the process! With Clayton Jackson, Zachary Wentz, and now Dezmond Xavier joining forces Rockstar Pro is in for a very bright future!

What a night! Be sure to subscribe to Rockstarpronetwork.com to keep up with all the action, or join us live every Wednesday night at 1106 E. 3rd St. in Dayton, OH for Rockstar Pro Wrestling’s Amped. Until next time, I remain your Rockstar Pro color commentator and The Voice of The Revolution!

*What a jackass! He was technically not at ringside, so the match was not thrown out.

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