Attention: all scab sniffers and cyst lickers! It’s your boy Bork bringing you more brutal beatdowns and amazing action from this week’s edition of Rockstar Pro’s Amped! This Wednesday’s show had a certain international feel to it, as Japanese sensation Shigehiro Irie made his Rockstar Pro debut.
Our first contest featured one of the strongest and most powerful young competitors in wrestling today and that kid who always loses, as Clayton Jackson faced Daniel Winchester in singles action. Clay put his strength to the test against the sizable Winchester, and his muscles passed the test with flying colors. It was a short affair. There could really only be one outcome. Clay pounded Daniel with a Jackhammer for a pinfall win. More like Daniel LOSEchester! Am I right?
A trios bout between The Foundation (Ron Mathis, Bruce Grey & Sid Fabulous) and the unnamed coalition of James Baker*, Patrick Henderson & Marcus Everett. They youngsters tried their best, but at Rockstar Pro there are no awards for trying. It was all Sid Knees, DDTs, and Das Wundertrash. Not everything rhymes, okay. Mathis lifted Everett up for the Torture Rock and an easy win. The Foundation are looking strong just over a week away from FIVE.
“The Wildman from the Ozark Mountains” Alex Rudolph squared off against Rockstar Pro newcomer “The Real Mother Trucker” Dewey Murray. Before you even think it, I checked. He is in no way related to Jon Murray. Thankfully. Nevertheless, two Murrays are worse than one whether they’re related or not. Dewey had quite the unique offense. Most of it involved slapping hit tits against his opponent. It was only a matter of time before “The Wildman” lived up to his namesake. A flustered Rudolph was done with Murray’s nonsense and took him down with a diving headbutt to bring the match to a merciful end.
In tag team action Fight or Flight (Kyle Maverick & Nate Wings) once again battled The Hooligans (Devin & Mason Cutter) in a non-title contest. The Cutter brothers really seem to have Fight or Flight’s number, as the boxing and bombing duo of Maverick and Wings just can’t seem to get a win over the Rockstar Pro Tag Team Champions. We wouldn’t find out who the better team was on that night because the Night Ryderz ruined everything. They interfered in the match, and the official was forced to call the match a No Contest. It seems the Ryderz want a piece of the action in Armageddon Games at FIVE. Sid and Mathis appeared to kick some ass and throw their hats into the ring as well. All four teams will compete at FIVE for the Rockstar Pro Tag Team Championships.
It was a breath of fresh air when “The Baddest Man Alive” Aaron Williams grabbed a mic and hit the squared circle. He challenged American Luchacore Champion “Trigger” Trey Miguel to a match right then and there! It seemed Trey might not have the guts to face Aaron, but he eventually strolled out with his own mic and accepted the challenge. These two have had some real classics in the past, but I can easily declare this was the best match Williams and Miguel have ever had together! They set a quick pace with a lot of intensity, and it looked to me as if Aaron was getting the advantage. Then, Miguel shocked us all. Taking a page from the legendary Eddie Guerrero’s book, Trey threw the title belt into Aaron’s hands and played possum while the referee’s back was turned. The official disqualified Aaron, and Trey earned himself a tricky victory. I doubt that will work a second time when these two face off for the American Luchacore Championship at FIVE.
I usually don’t address the goings-on during our intermissions, but I can’t pass on this one. Chaos broke out while the Rockstar Nation was browsing t-shirts and swallowing hot dogs whole. Ganger and Kyle Kraven shot out of the locker room, engaged in a nasty fist fight. The two brawled from one end of the arena to the other. The hatred was palpable. It was awesome!
Patrick Henderson wandered into the ring looking beaten and befuddled. He demanded a singles match after fairing so poorly in the earlier trios contest. Maybe he was knocked loopy, or maybe he just isn’t too bright. Nevertheless, Trevor Court was happy to oblige. He made short work of Henderson, locking on a mean submission for the tap out win. When he refused to ease up on the humiliated Henderson after the bell rang, his former tag team partner Remi Wilkins chased Court out of the ring. Court was too fast for Wilkins’ pursuit, but “Mr. All-Puprose” laid down a challenge. It seems as if these two will settle the score at our March iPPV.
Finally, we got to see more of The Revolution in the ring! Newly converted member of the greatest group in pro wrestling today Dezmond Xavier and Rockstar Pro World Champion Zachary Wentz teamed up to take on youngsters N3 (Myron Reed & Jonathan Wolf). N3 certainly have a lot of energy and athletic ability. Too bad for N3 The Revolution have energy, athletic ability, AND the intelligence to know how to use them. Smart wrestlers like Xavier and Wentz know when to slow things down. When my guys got the advantage, there was no turning back. They moved in perfect synchronicity, hitting Hot Fire Flame for the 1-2-3 victory. Myron better be careful of where he bites his nickname from.
Dammit. Now I have to type about Jon Murray. He teamed up with his little buddy Samantha Heights to take on Bad Dudes (Jeremiah & Pompano Joe). Murray and Heights both stuck their thumbs up... You know what? No. I’m not giving that asshole the satisfaction of reading about his exploits during the match. Let’s just say Bad Dudes removed Murray from the equation, and Jeremiah punished Heights with Ultimate Destruction for the win. For some reason CW decided to raise the stakes at FIVE. If Jeremiah loses to Heights in their hardcore match, the “Juggernaut” will have to wear a dress. Bad Dudes?
A whole lot of buzz surrounded our main event. All the way from Osaka, Japan came Shigehiro Irie to challenge Dave Crist in one-on-one action! Shigehiro had a great look: thick, sturdy, rough, and sporting a killer green mohawk. He delivered some bone-splitting headbutts throughout the match that would make any wannabe wrestler think twice before lacing up their boots. Irie was also quite fast and agile. He locked in some holds on Dave in ways I had never before seen. Of course the crowd rallied around their hometown hero, and Crist hit a Magdalene Cutter to win. I have a feeling we’ll be seeing more of Sigehiro Irie.
What are you waiting for? After reading that, I’m certain you must want to subscribe to Rockstarpronetwork.com! Login, subscribe, and catch up on the best damn professional wrestling today! With less than two weeks until FIVE, there is no better time to learn about Rockstar Pro. Until next time, I remain your Rockstar Pro color commentator and Voice of The Revolution.
*Not the disgraced televangelist who now sells buckets of apocalypse-proof food to idiots. That’s B-A-K-K-E-R.