Voice of The Revolution (FIVE 2-3-17)

Holy crap, crap holes! Our biggest show ever! Our biggest live crowd ever! If you missed Rockstar Pro’s FIVE, you missed the biggest night in Dayton pro wrestling since Heat Wave ’98! But enough of my reveling in Rockstar Pro’s grandeur, let’s get to the good stuff.

We kicked off our fifth anniversary show with “The Artist” Jake Crist versus “The King of Dong Style” Joey Ryan. Talk about two of the most charismatic wrestlers in the game! Ryan definitely had a memorable entrance, but Crist’s was hands down unforgettable. That’s why I keep telling you there’s no experience quite like live professional wrestling. It was a great, albeit brief, opening contest that came to a quick end when Ryan hit Sweet Tooth Music on Jake to secure a pinfall victory.

Our second match was as old school as it gets, as “True Grit” Bruce Grey faced “The Wild Eyed Southern Boy” Tracy Smothers. Smothers did his best to keep up with Grey, and his punches still carry as much impact as ever. But we all know how this ends. One DDT from Bruce Grey equals a victory for The Foundation. I guess that finally proves it. Bruce Grey is stronger than a bear.

The American Luchacore Championship was on the line as “Trigger” Trey Miguel defended his title against “The Baddest Man Alive” Aaron Williams. But that’s not all! It turned out the #1 Contender Clayton “Gainz” Jackson could no longer stand on the sidelines, and this match became a triple threat! What a match! Williams brought the strikes, Miguel brought the speed, and Clayton brought the power. “Gainz” also proved that he’s much smarter than the Rockstar Nation give him credit for. Trey hit a Loaded Clip on Aaron, but an eagle-eyed Clay threw Trey out of the ring and took the pinfall for the win! Your winner and new American Luchacore Champion: The Revolution’s Clayton “Gainz” Jackson! Unfortunately, the brilliance of the win was tainted by the sour grapes of Darin Dinero, as he attacked Jackson and locked in a submission. What a tool!

Fans of women’s wrestling rejoiced at the announcement of our next matchup. “Gem City Queen” Nevaeh squared off against longtime friend and sometimes rival “The Havok Death Machine” Jessicka Havok! This match barely began before “The Ace of Spades” Ace Austin (Shakespeare?) interrupted with mic in hand to quote The Bard himself. It was all very confusing. Havok and Nevaeh both beat him down, and the match was declared a no contest.

Intergender hardcore action followed in a strange tale that accelerated in seduction and violence over the last few months. “The Lost Girl” Samantha Heights put her career on the line against “Juggernaut” Jeremiah. If Jeremiah lost, he would be forced to wear a dress. Jeremiah pulled no punches, but Heights proved that she’s full of more than just spunk and moxie! She got outright vicious in this one! Heights withstood Jeremiah’s onslaught and fought back with trash can lids, kendo sticks and more. She even put on a thumbtack-covered shinguard for an even more dangerous Facewash. Heights pummeled Jeremiah with multiple steel chairs to get the win and save her career at Rockstar Pro! The Baddest Dude faced his punishment and put on the dress of Heights’ choice. I don’t think anyone can be called a loser who walks away with a free original NES cartridge.

It’s time for me to address an unfortunate reality. Professional wrestling carries with it an amount of risk. The Rockstar Nation became all too familiar with this fact during Armageddon Games for the Rockstar Pro Tag Team Championships. The match included the defending champions The Hooligans (Devin & Mason Cutter), The Foundation (Ron Mathis & Sid Fabulous), Fight or Flight (Kyle Maverick & Nate Wings), Night Ryderz (Dustin Rayz & Alex Colon), and the surprise duo of DJ Hyde and Jimmy Lloyd. When members of two different teams became injured, Junior Official Brian had no choice but to end the match and call it a no contest. Everyone at Rockstar Pro wishes both Mason Cutter and Kyle Maverick speedy recoveries.

The well-known saying in the entertainment business is, “The show must go on.” The Rockstar Nation was promised three more matches, so that’s exactly what they received. Our next match featured The Revolution’s “Kardiac Kid” Dezmond Xavier challenging “The Product” David Starr for his wXw Shotgun Championship. These two really tried to get in one another’s heads. Despite all of Starr’s taunts to, “Look at it,” Xavier remained focus and looked great. Dez nearly had it. He was oh so close. Unfortunately, David locked in the BDLM and won by submission. It’s okay, Dezmond. You’re still an important member of The Revolution, and you’ll get him next time!

I’m going to come right out and say it. Dave Crist versus Fenix is an early contender for 2017 Match of the Year at Rockstar Pro. Fenix pulled off moves with ease that I had never seen before. Yet another excellent reason to subscribe to Rockstarpronetwork.com! Fenix showed he is an exceptional athlete, and even my hatred for Dave didn’t blind me to the fact that he kept pace with the sensational luchador every step of the way. Fenix actually had most of the Nation behind him. Quite the feat in a crowd that cheers for OI4K no matter what they do! Fenix earned his victory with an incredible Destroyer to put Dave down for a three count. Great stuff!

Our main event featured my best friend and brother, Rockstar Pro World Champion “The Sickest Dude in ALL the Land” Zachary Wentz defending his gold against Sami Callihan. Zach upstaged Sami in every sense of the word, but unfortunately it would not be my sick dude’s night. I refuse to go into the gory details, but Callihan locked in a mean Stretch Muffler. He won. God dammit, he won! Sami Callihan is the new Rockstar Pro World Champion, and I don’t want to write about it anymore.

What an incredible night full of dizzying highs and unfortunate lows. Let’s keep it going for at least another five amazing years! You turds can help too. All you have to do is attend our events at Rockstar Pro Arena, buy merch at Rockstarprowrestling.com, and subscribe to Rockstarpronetwork.com. Until next time, I remain your Rockstar Pro color commentator and Voice of The Revolution.

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