Greetings, shit gibbons! It’s time. It’s time. It’s Amped recap time! Follow along the best you can as I regale you with tales of titans and tumult, you idiots. If you missed FIVE, you can still check out the amazing action by subscribing to Rockstarpronetwork.com.
We kicked off the night with a singles bout between “Juggernaut” Jeremiah and “Mr. All-Purpose” Remi Wilkins. Jeremiah looked rough and ready, but that damn Samantha Heights had to delay the match just to bring out another dress for the “Juggernaut” to wear. Just because he wrestled in a dress doesn’t make him any less of a Bad Dude! Remi’s former friend and current rival “The Greatest Show on Earth” Trevor Court hit the ramp, clapping and cheering for Remi. Remi didn’t take kindly to that. Fortunately, Jeremiah took advantage of the distraction. He downed Wilkins, hit a Frog Splash from the top of the turnbuckle, and won via pinfall. Afterward, Court congratulated Wilkins on his loss by stomping a mud hole in him.
Our second match was the first tag team contest of the evening, as The Foundation (“True Grit” Bruce Grey & “Dirt Grub” Sid Fabulous) took on the newly formed duo of Flip-N-Knees (“Hot Fiya” Myron Reed & Marcus Everett). Flip-N-Knees may be young, athletic, agile, and full of vigor. But no team has one another’s backs quite like The Foundation. Reed has proven his abilities before, and little Marcus did his best to stay in it as long as he did. Ultimately, smart people like me knew how this would end. Bruce blasted Myron with a DDT to secure the victory. Now that was F-I-R-E!
Finally, we saw The Revolution in action in our third matchup. “The Sickest Dude in ALL the Land” Zachary Wentz faced off against Patrick Henderson. Zach totally dominated his tiger spandex-wearing opponent, hitting the Baywood Bomb to put Henderson away. Gee Gee brought Wentz a mic so he could vocalize his discontent with the outcome of his match at FIVE. Wentz bravely challenged Sami Callihan to a rematch at March’s In Like a Lion iPPV where he will undoubtedly bring the Rockstar Pro World Championship back to The Revolution.
The next match featured Bad Dude’s Pompano Joe versus the winless Daniel Winchester. Winchester tried to impress with his strength and amateur wrestling prowess, but the night would belong to Bad Dudes. Pompano hit a mean-looking Homie Driver, plowing Winchester’s head into the canvas. Joe looked very strong with this pinfall victory. Daniel should really think about changing his last name to the much more accurate Losechester. Think about it.
Next up, we had a Mosh Pit Scramble the included Ganger, Nate Wings, Aaron Williams, Alex Rudolph, newcomer Mallaki Matthews, and... god dammit... Jon Murray. How is it that this lone, fat asshole has ruined one of my favorite match types? Oh, that’s right! It’s because he has the audacity to declare every match he’s in a “Jon Murray Pro Rules” match just so he can drink beer and stick his thumb up his opponents’ butts. Anyway, Murray violated Matthew’s hole with a Red Hulk Fist and hit the Halbach Drop to win. What a dickhead.
The wrestling gods provided a bit of wondrous relief following Murray’s victory by giving us match number five in the Best of Seven Series between “The Artist” Jake Crist and “White Trash Muscle” Ron Mathis. With the series tied at 2-2 both competitors desperately desired a win. It was every bit the excellent match any pro wrestling fan would expect from these two. Jake got a bit too aggressive, Superkicking the official right in the face. Of course, Mathis took advantage of that situation. He grabbed a steel chair. JT Davidson interfered. Long story short, Mathis used Crist’s own move against him and won with a Backslide! Mathis leads the series 3-2 and only needs one more win to get a shot at the Rockstar Pro World Championship!
After intermission CW Scott addressed the matter of Mason Cutter’s severe leg injuries and the fate of the Rockstar Pro World Championships. With The Hooligans out of action for months, Rockstar Pro will hold an eight team Tag Team Tournament for the titles. The final match will be held next month at In Like a Lion and will determine the next Rockstar Pro Tag Team Champions.
Finally, more Revolution! The NEW American Luchacore Champion Clayton “Gainz” Jackson took on the returning “Mr. 500” Timmy Lou Retton in a non-title singles match. I’ll give him this, Retton certainly is quick and agile. Especially for a man his size! He did his best, but ultimately he was no match for the man who puts the REAL in gorilla. Clay punished Timmy with the Muscliest Muscle Buster Ever, asserting his dominance and proving his greatness!
The night’s second tag team match pitted Night Ryderz (Dustin Rayz & Alex Colon) against the returning Ugly Ducklings (Lance Lude & Rob Killjoy). These Ugly Ducklings drive me crazy. Enough with the incessant quacking! As annoying as their antics may be, they nevertheless gave Night Ryderz a run for their money with an admittedly innovative offense. The Ducklings managed to get the best of the Ryderz with a Ducksday Device and shocked the Rockstar Nation with an upset victory! The most interesting development, however, came after the match. “The Baddest Man Alive” Aaron Williams hit the ring, and he did not look pleased. He brutally attacked the victors, as the Night Ryderz joined him in a merciless beatdown. If these three bald-headed bruisers are now working together, the rest of the roster needs to beware.
The main event of the evening was Revolution versus OI4K, as “The Kardiac Kid” Dezmond Xavier faced Dave Crist in a one-on-one affair. Dez looked amazing. This sick dude is an Adonis, just like his brothers Clay and Zach. His youth, vigor and vitality outshone Dave’s fading majesty. Dez flew gracefully, hit viciously, and stood his ground throughout the entire matchup. It was a great main event, much like every Amped. Oh, and Dave hit the Magdalene Cutter to win. Boo.
What a night, and what an Amped! I’d say two out of three ain’t bad when it comes to wins for The Revolution. Don’t forget that you can see FIVE and every other Rockstar Pro iPPV at Rockstarpronetwork.com. Until next time, I remain your Rockstar Pro color commentator and Voice of The Revolution.