Congratulations, Stair Goblins and Trunk People alike! You’ve just stumbled across the best wrestling recap in the business. Follow along as I regale you with tales of glory and grandeur from Rockstar Pro’s Amped. Don’t worry. I’ll mostly stick with monosyllabic words.
We opened up with one of my favorite match types, the Mosh Pit Scramble! Even better, Jon Murray was nowhere to be seen. This match featured Marcus Everett, “The Infinite” Cole Radrick, “Mr. 500” Timmy Lou Retton, “The Wild Man from the Ozark Mountains” Alex Rudolph, “Mr. All-Purpose” Remi Wilkins, and newcomer “The Chair Man” Joey Owen. Although I’d never seen Owen in action before, I could instantly tell that he had that undeniable “it” factor. Anyway, this one was tons of fun and a great way to kick things off. After a lot of back and forth action, Wilkins hit Lemon Pepper on Radrick for the win. Remi’s celebration did not last long, as his former tag team partner Trevor Court attacked him. Court beat the hell out of Wilkins and made an open challenge to anyone in the locker room.
“The Greatest Show On Earth” Trevor Court’s challenge was answered by an unlikely competitor. “Dirty” White Mike stepped up to the challenge and into the ring. The Rockstar Nation had only ever seen Mike in a dark match previously, so this was his chance to prove himself in Dayton. Mike did his best, but there was no stopping a pissed off Court. Trevor dominated White Mike, locking in a leg submission that forced Mike to tap out. Court will face Remi Wilkins at March’s In Like a Lion iPPV next week.
The lights went out. The lights came on. Night Ryderz were in the ring. Usually men of significant action and few words, they must have had something important to say. Dustin Rayz and Alex Colon are going into second round action in the Tag Team Tournament to determine the next Rockstar Pro Tag Team Champions, but Alex claimed that for them it’s less about the gold and more about the violence. “The Baddest Man Alive” Aaron Williams agreed with Colon’s sentiment, claiming to be interested only in “violence for violence’s sake.” He also called out Dezmond Xavier for reasons I do not understand. Big mistake. Huge. The lights went out, and Night Ryderz were gone.
Our third match of the night pitted Nate Wings against the man who is inexplicably the #1 Contender to the American Luchacore Championship Darin “Sex” Dinero. Seriously! What did this nimrod to to deserve such a distinction? By some miraculous stroke of good fortune, Dinero targeted Wing’s left knee and took away most of the high-flyer’s offensive arsenal. Darin nearly had one half of Fight or Flight defeated, but the American Luchacore Champion Clayton “Gainz” Jackson had other ideas. His hugeness appeared at ringside and spat right in the face of Dinero. This was just the distraction Wings needed to roll Dinero up for the pinfall victory! Afterward, Clay stomped a mud hole into Darin for the glory of The Revolution! The two will face off with the American Luchacore Championship on the line at In Like a Lion.
Next, we had more first round action in our Tag Team Tournament as Ugly Ducklings (Lance Lude & Rob Killjoy) squared off against Bad Dudes (“Juggernaut” Jeremiah & Pompano Joe). Of course, “Lost Girl” Samantha Heights just had to bring Jeremiah another dress to wear. Get over it, Sam! Bad Dudes looked great and fought hard, proving that it’s not about the dress on the man. It’s about the badness in the dude! Rockstar Nation favorites Ugly Ducklings managed to get the upper hand (wing?) and somehow moved on to the next round. They hit the Ducksday Device on Pompano Joe for the 1-2-3.
“Hot Fiya” Myron Reed went one-on-one with “Trigger” Trey Miguel in the next contest. This match was about three things: speed, athleticism, and agility. Reed flew around the ring with reckless abandon, and Miguel looked pretty fierce for a guy who very recently lost the only gold he’d ever held at Rockstar Pro. My assessment was that Myron had the agility advantage while Trey was all about speed. This battle truly could have gone either way, but Miguel hit the Loaded Clip to secure himself a win.
We almost made it. We almost got through a night of Amped without being subjected to the otherworldly horrors of a “Jon Murray Pro Rules” match. Alas, my dream did not survive. “Professional Asshole” Jon Murray teamed up with “The Pitbull” Ganger and Daniel Winchester to take on The Foundation (Sid Fabulous, Bruce Grey & Ron Mathis). It was a really good match, especially the parts where Murray wasn’t involved. The Foundation are super tight and always have each others’ backs. There was no way they would lose to such a ragtag collection of idiots as their opponents! Once The Foundation took control, there was no stopping them. Mathis put Winchester away with a Piledriver, and The Foundation stood victorious. Afterward, Kraven attacked Ganger with a kendo stick. It was as mean-spirited as it was hilarious.
“Japanese Beast” Shigehiro Irie returned to Rockstar Pro once again to face off against the newest member of Night Ryderz “The Baddest Man Alive” Aaron Williams. This was truly a battle of heavy hitters. Irie has perhaps the meanest headbutt in all of professional wrestling, but Williams strikes with fists and feet like no other. This was one of those matches best experienced live, but if you were dumb enough to miss it in person you can still catch it at Rockstarpronetwork.com. The action was intense and incredible. Even Dezmond Xavier visited ringside to see just why Williams would have such harsh words for the “Kardiac Kid.” Xavier made his presence known, and Irie slipped on the infamous Katahajime for a win by submission. I knew it would be a huge mistake for Williams to call out Xavier. The two will face off at In Like a Lion, while Shigehiro Irie will compete with Sami Callihan and Zachary Wentz for the Rockstar Pro World Championship.
Our main event was the final first round matchup in the Tag Team Tournament to determine the next Rockstar Pro Tag Team Champions. OI4K (“The Artist” Jake Crist & “Human GIF Machine” Dave Crist) faced The Revolution (“The Sickest Dude in ALL the Land” Zachary Wentz & “Kardiac Kid” Dezmond Xavier). This was one for the ages! I was so excited to cheer on my family that I had a difficult time calling the action. Mark struggled as usual, but that was nothing new. This was the type of match that makes Rockstar Pro such an incredible experience. It’s no wonder our company was proudly represented from coast-to-coast this past weekend. The Crists hit the Double Stomp/Piledriver combination known as The Killing Spree on Xavier to move on. The semifinals will consist of Night Ryderz versus Ugly Ducklings and The Foundation versus OI4K. That’s okay! Dez needs to focus on Aaron, and Zach needs to focus on his World Title match.
That just about does it this time. Remember to subscribe to Rockstarpronetwork.com to guarantee you don’t miss a second of the action! Also, be sure to get your tickets to In Like a Lion on Friday, March 3rd. First row tickets are sold out, and the second row is filling up fast! Don’t be a loser all your life. Get those tickets now! Until next time, I remain your Rockstar Pro color commentator and Voice of The Revolution.