It’s the best time of your day, slappy pappies! Time for you to bathe in the syrupy goodness of my prose. We’re roaring toward our March iPPV In Like a Lion, so pay attention and you might even learn something.
We kicked things off with a high energy match between two former champions. “Trigger” Trey Miguel faced my best friend “The Sickest Dude in ALL the Land” Zachary Wentz. This one was as quick-paced and hard-hitting as any wrestling fan could ever desire. These young guns unloaded a flurry of offense on one another, starting off the show with some real impact! Once Wentz locked in the Stank Biscuit submission it was “Hit the bricks, Bozo!” for Miguel. Zach is looking incredibly strong going into his Triple Threat match against current champ Sami Callihan and Shigehiro Irie for the Rockstar Pro World Championship at In Like a Lion!
Next up was one of my favorite things: a Mosh Pit Scramble absent of Jon Murray! “Mustard Tiger” Patrick Henderson, James Baker, “The Infinite” Cole Radrick, Nate Wings, Daniel Winchester, “The Baddest Man Alive” Aaron Williams, Darin Dinero, “Dirt Grub” Sid Fabulous, and Pompano Joe all took part in the insanity. I love the chaos and calamity of a good scramble, and this match delivered exactly that. My best bro Clayton “Gainz” Jackson took Dinero out halfway through the match. I can’t wait to see those two go at it this Friday! Winchester impressed the crowd by lifting Henderson’s vast bulk into the air, but the winless one would once again fall. This time it was at the hands of Aaron Williams. Williams must be playing a lot of Mortal Kombat lately. His knockout kick to Winchester’s head was pure brutality. Speaking of brutal, my best bud Dezmond Xavier grounded the victorious Williams and gave him a nasty tongue-lashing. Dez makes a statement in his contest against Williams this Friday.
Women’s action was next on the agenda with Amazing Maria taking on “Lost Girl” Samantha Heights. I’m surprised Heights is still competing in the ring. She’s been so obsessed with dressing up Jeremiah in fancy new fabrics, I’d assumed she was pursuing a new career in fashion. Unfortunately, she remains a wrestler. Maria gave Samantha a good challenge, using her size and reach advantage to overpower heights. In the end “Lost Girl” locked in an innovative submission hold to take the win. Boo.
Three tag teams hungry to solidify positions in the Rockstar Pro locker room took to the ring for battle. It was The Rat Pack (“Rat Slayer” Mallaki Matthews & “Mr. 500” Timmy Lou Retton) versus Flip N’ Knees (“Hot Fiya” Myron Reed & Marcus Everett) versus High Seas (“Your Captain” Nick Ando & Cloudy). I love watching matches like this full of competitors desperate to impress! High Seas were particularly worthy of praise regardless of, or perhaps because of, their extracurricular activities. They were truly fearless in the ring. Unfortunately, Reed hit Cloudy with a particularly strong dose of Spanish Fly to earn Flip N’ Knees their first tag team win at Rockstar Pro. Congrats, buttholes! It only gets more challenging from here!
Self-proclaimed “Extremely Cute Wrestler”* Colin Delaney returned to Rockstar Pro nearly two years after his Dayton debut to take on “Juggernaut” Jeremiah in the next singles matchup. This was a great chance for Jeremiah to prove he can defeat anyone, even a world-travelled sensation. Delaney gave the “Juggernaut” a run for his money, pulling out some interesting attacks. His sliding suplex to Jeremiah who was caught up in the ropes was something I’d never seen before. Nevertheless, Delaney is no Bad Dude. An absolutely crushing Baddest Kick in the World from “Juggernaut” brought this one to a definitive pinfall end, proving once again that Jeremiah is a Bad Dude regardless of his attire!
Hoo boy. I knew this time would come. I am ethically obligated to provide at least minimal coverage of the “Professional Athlete” Jon Murray versus Joey Ryan match. Here’s the quick and dirty. It was dong versus butt. Ryan worked Murray’s thumb. “Fattest Man Alive” Murray mistakenly targeted Ryan’s dingus. Ryan won with a YouPorn Plex. I died inside... but not as much as I would have if Murray had won. Next!
Our final two matches of the night were semi-finals contests in our Tag Team Tournament to crown the next Rockstar Pro Tag Team Champions. First off, it was Ugly Ducklings (Lance Lude & Rob Killjoy) versus Night Ryderz (Dustin Rayz & Alex Colon). Ryderz came out real hot, as is their MO, and immediately attacked the Ducklings with furious strikes. Rayz and Colon dominated for most of the match, but those ugly weirdos from Ponds Unknown somehow managed to turn it around to their advantage. After a bit of miscommunication, all it took was an O’Connor Roll on Rayz to put Ugly Ducklings in the finals!
The main event was the other semi-final matchup between OI4K (“The Artist” Jake Crist & “Human GIF Machine” Dave Crist) and The Foundation (“White Trash Muscle” Ron Mathis & “True Grit” Bruce Grey). There is clearly no love lost between these two teams, especially with Mathis and Jake Crist being in the midst of a Best of Seven Series. Mathis currently leads Crist 3-2. Emotions were running high, and only the stakes equalled their great heights. The Foundation can bend the rules like no other team in the business, but in this instance that just wasn’t enough. A Killing Spree from OI4K clinched the win and sent them to the finals. Dammit. It’ll be OI4K versus Ugly Ducklings for the Rockstar Pro Tag Team Championships at In Like a Lion. No matter who wins, we lose! Hmm. Sounds like a horror movie.
Subscribe to Rockstarpronetwork.com to keep up with all the action from Rockstar Pro Wrestling. Be at Rockstar Pro Arena this Friday for In Like a Lion and every Wednesday night for Amped. Until next time, I remain your Rockstar Pro color commentator and Voice of The Revolution.
*Dubious at best.