Aloha, windjammers and bun boys. In Like a Lion is behind us, and we’re all eagerly awaiting Spring Break in April. As any fan of Rockstar knows, anything can happen at any time. So don’t sleep on us, bruh!
The night began with the new Rockstar Pro World Champion “Juggernaut” Jeremiah taking to the ring to brag about his victory and make a bold claim. He said he’d be at Rockstar Pro Arena every Wednesday night to defend his World Championship. That was all my best friend Zachary Wentz needed to hear. He hit the ring and demanded a one-on-one title shot. Thus was booked our main event of the evening.
The first match of the night was an absolute scorcher! “White Trash Muscle” Ron Mathis squared off against “The Artist” Jake Crist in the sixth match of their Best of Seven Series. It was easily their best contest of the series as these two pushed one another to their physical limits. Superplexes and Piledrivers would not keep Jake down, and even Jake’s Jam of the Year couldn’t stop Mathis. In the blink of an eye, Jake pinned Mathis with another damn Backslide to tie the series at 3-3. Mathis may have lost, but he gets another shot at securing a world title shot in the seventh match of the series at next week’s Amped.
It was International Women’s Day, but “Lost Girl” Samantha Heights unfortunately didn’t choose to stay home. Instead she faced Holidead in her Rockstar Pro debut. Holidead is one creepy sicko, but I have a soft spot in my heart for creepy sickos. She had nearly every advantage over Heights. She was the larger and stronger athlete, but Heights maintained that home field advantage. At the end of a very competitive match, Heights kicked Holidead in the back of her head with a DTF to take the pinfall victory.
The third match of the night was a Mosh Pit Scramble, and OH GOD DAMMIT MOTHER FUCKING Jon Murray was in it! Sorry. Deep breaths. Other competitors included Pompano Joe, “Little” Marcus Everett, “The Infinite” Cole Radrick, Daniel Winchester, Patrick Henderson, Darin Dinero, Nate Wings, and... Dez X. Okay. Let me explain. Dezmond Xavier took his loss to Aaron Williams at In Like a Lion hard. Very hard. He hasn’t lost his mind or anything! He’s just... coping. Of course, everyone else in the Scramble immediately attacked my best bud with Superkicks. Murray digitally penetrated the butts of most of his opposition. He then had the gall to stick his stink-riddled thumb into Dez’s mouth before delivering a Stunner and winning yet another freaking Scramble. One day you’ll get yours, Jon Murray. One day.
Our first title match of the evening was a great one, with “Trigger” Trey Miguel challenging my best bro The Revolution’s Clayton “Gainz” Jackson for his American Luchacore Championship. These two tore the house down!* It was a great example of the chaos and calamity associated with American Luchacore Rules. I’ll admit it. Trey put up a hell of a fight. That doesn’t make him any less of a cocky prick. It seemed it could go either way, but I had faith in Jackson. Clay blasted Trey with two Muscliest Musclebusters Ever to keep “Trigger” down and retain his American Luchacore Championship! What a match!
It was the invasion from New York in our next two matches, beginning with all three Night Ryderz (Dustin Rayz, Alex Colon & Aaron Williams) taking on three of New York’s finest in Mike Verna, Maxwell Feinstein & Vinny Pacifico. These New Yorkers didn’t take any of the Rockstar Nation’s bullshit, especially after they were greeted with roll after roll of toilet paper tossed into the ring. What a waste! It was a brutal match, with each Ryder meeting their equal in the squared circle. Unfortunately, Pacifico suffered a knee injury that put his team at a distinct disadvantage. We knew it was over when Alex screeched out for “The Ride of Death!” He and Rayz hit the Chalk Outline on “Man of Steel” Verna to clinch the win.
Next up was a singles contest between New York’s “Rude Boy” Riley and “Human GIF Machine” Dave Crist. A lot of people, I think Dave Crist included, expected this to be a very lopsided match. What they didn’t count on was the fact that Riley did his homework. He knew exactly what to expect from Crist’s offense and broke out a counter or reversal at every opportunity. This was a very even match. A lot of wrestlers are intimidated by Dave Crist. “Rude Boy” was not one of them. Unfortunately, Crist was up to the challenge. He unleashed his fury on Riley and softened him up for the killing blow. Once Riley was stunned, Dave hit a Magdalene Cutter for the win.
I was so excited for our main event! “The Sickest Dude in ALL the Land” my best friend Zachary Wentz would finally get his one-on-one title shot for the Rockstar Pro World Championship. It could have been a great match. One of the finest in Rockstar Pro history. Unfortunately, “Juggernaut” Jeremiah had other ideas. He sneak attacked Zach immediately as the bell rang, hitting The Baddest Kick in the World. As Zach was blindsided, he had no opportunity to kick out. Jeremiah successfully defended his title in the shortest Rockstar Pro World Championship match in history, and it made me want to vomit. That wasn’t fair to Wentz!
That’s all for this week, turds. Be sure to be at Rockstar Pro Arena every Wednesday night for Amped and the first Friday of the month four our iPPVs. You can also catch up with all the action at Rockstarpronetwork.com. Until next time, I remain your Rockstar Pro color commentator and Voice of The Revolution.