What’s up, stink holes? Wait. Don’t answer that. I don’t care. What I do care about is Rockstar Pro Wrestling, and everything that happened at the latest Amped is just one reason the entire wrestling world needs to keep an eye on us. Rockstar Pro won’t waste our shot.
Our opening contest was a shot at redemption for my best friend “The Sickest Dude in ALL the Land” Zachary Wentz. Last week he was blindsided by Rockstar Pro World Champion “Juggernaut” Jeremiah before their title match could even get going. This time Zach was ready, and it showed. Wentz looked lean and mean facing the recently crowned World Champion. He attacked with unbridled ferocity. Unfortunately, Jeremiah came prepared. He blasted Zach with a Popup Powerbomb followed immediately by the Baddest Kick in the World to get Jeremiah a pinfall win. Keep this in mind. It took Jeremiah’s two most devastating attacks back-to-back in order to defeat Wentz and retain his championship. Is this title reign a fluke? How long could it possibly last? All I know is that if “Juggernaut” can defeat my best friend for two consecutive weeks he’s truly a Bad Dude.
We really spoil the Rockstar Nation. No doubt about it. Two matches into the night’s events, and we had two title defenses. This time it was my best bro Clayton “Gainz” Jackson putting his American Luchacore Championship on the line against “The Infinite” Cole Radrick, “Mr. 500” Timmy Lou Retton, and “The Pitbull” Ganger. Clay looked bigger than ever, throwing his weight around as well has his opponents. He also showed he’s no dummy, allowing his three competitors to fight it out until he chose his moment. Jackson hit an incredible Muscliest Musclebuster Ever on the infantile Radrick to secure the win and hold on to his glorious championship gold! Chalk one up for The Revolution!
Next, we saw mixed tag team action. It was the returning Holidead teaming up with my confused best bud Dez Equis to face off against OH GOD PLEASE NO Dear Sam & Jon (“Lost Girl” Samantha Heights & “Professional Asshat” Jon Murray). Dez may be going through some mental health issues, but he still looked great in the ring. Unfortunately, Murray and his little pal Sam had profoundly perverse plans for Dez Equis. After taking out Holidead, the two sex pests put Dez into some sort of submission hold that I can best describe as some sort of modified Surfboard from Sam plus two thumbs in the bum from Murray. I swear Heights’ shoulders were pinned, but Dez gave a verbal submission. It was a tragic.
A Triple Threat match followed with Nate Wings, Daniel Winchester and Pompano Joe in competition. It was clear to everyone, even a halfwit like Mark Turner, that Joe was beaming with pride because his fellow Bad Dude held the Rockstar Pro World Championship. That didn’t do him any good in this matchup though. The three went back and forth, with each competitors attempting to gain a significant advantage. Out of nowhere, Wings hit a Springboard Stunner on Winchester for the victory. Another match, another loss for Daniel. When’s this guy going to legally change his name to Losechester anyway?
The new Rockstar Pro Tag Team Champions Ugly Ducklings (Lance Lude & Rob Killjoy) were in non-title action against The Foundation (Bruce Grey & Sid Fabulous) next. Why the hell didn’t the Ducks put their titles on the line? Every other title-holder was bold enough to do so! Regardless of our Tag Champions’ cowardice, the match itself was great. Killjoy was able to position Sid under Bruce’s arm, and Lude hit Double Knees from the turnbuckle causing Bruce to DDT his own partner! After that, all it took was a quick pin of Sid by our foul Tag Team Champions to win the match. See? No matter who ends up on the receiving end, all it takes is one DDT.
Our sixth matchup of the evening was a trios contest between Flip ‘N’ Knees (“Hot Fiya” Myron Reed & Marcus Everett) with “Trigger” Trey Miguel and Night Ryderz (Dustin Rayz, Alex Colon & Aaron Williams). Miguel came out rapping his own theme song. What the hell? Wrestling is bigger than hip hop! Anyway, this one was an interesting conflict of styles between three guys who like to get high in the air and three guys who like violently beating up anyone in their vicinity. This one was just as fast-paced and brutally violent as anyone who knows anything about these six athletes’ in-ring capabilities would expect. Once Colon shrieked out for the Ride of Death the end was very near. Trey ended up on the receiving end of Rayz and Colon’s double team finisher to bring another victory to Night Ryderz. Those three bald guys are frightening to say the least.
It all came down to this. The Best of Seven tournament that began at New Year’s Revolution made it all the way to match number seven. Our main event was “The Artist” Jake Crist versus “White Trash Muscle” Ron Mathis in the final match of a 3-3 tied series. No time limit. No excuses. There had to be a winner. Whoever came out on top would face “Juggernaut” Jeremiah for the Rockstar Pro World Championship at Spring Break. Dave Crist was, of course, banned from ringside. However, Jake had an ace up his sleeve and called in Ugly Ducklings to remove The Foundation’s Bruce Grey and Sid Fabulous from Ron’s corner. If only we could have removed JT Davidson’s stupid, bald head from ringside as well! I honestly didn’t believe Mathis and Crist could have a better match than their sixth confrontation in this series. I’ll admit it this one time only. I was wrong. This was a match for the ages, full of rage and blood and determination. Each man was at the top of his game, pulling out all the stops for a shot at the greatest prize in Rockstar Pro. Mathis hit Piledriver after Piledriver. Jake stomped Mathis’ face into the canvas. There was a part of me that believed neither man would ever stay down. Unfortunately, Jake hit that god damned Backslide well over a half-hour into the match to take the series. Our main event at Spring Break will be Jeremiah defending his Rockstar Pro World Championship against former champion Jake Crist!
Well, that certainly wasn’t what I had hoped for. Other than Clayton asserting his dominance of course. If you’re too dumb or lazy to make it out to Amped every Wednesday night, you can catch up on all the action at Rockstarpronetwork.com and now on Fite.tv. Until next time, I remain your Rockstar Pro color commentator and Voice of The Revolution.