Keep those peepers open wide, crumbums and roustabouts. I know there’s some big, dumb, celebrity-filled showing coming up soon in Orlando. Who cares? At Rockstar Pro we’re too focused on getting rowdy at Spring Break!
Our opening contest was the first of three singles matches featuring every member of Night Ryderz, as Alex Colon faced off against OI4K’s “Human GIF Machine” Dave Crist. These two former friends have known one another for a long time, but there were no signs of friendship as this match began. Crist and Colon went after one another with all the speed and violence they could muster. The match came to a quick end when Dave pulled out an innovative pin to keep Alex down for a three-count. Crist may have earned the win, but he most definitely injured himself in a the process. The entire security team had to help him leave the ring. What could this mean for Dave Crist’s future?
We had Triple Threat action next, as Bad Dudes’ Pompano Joe took on Nate Wings and Darin Dinero. Both Wings and Dinero went after Joe hard, showing obvious wariness of the veteran’s in-ring prowess. Joe fought back like a true Bad Dude, targeting Wings with most of his offense. That opportunist Dinero took advantage of Joe’s focus on Wings to hit Pompano with the modified GTS he calls Greetings from Elizabeth. A crafty Wings capitalized by climbing the turnbuckle and squishing Pompano with a 450 Splash for the pinfall victory. Joe found out the hard way that when you’re best friends with the World Champion the target on his back easily gets transferred to your own.
Next up was the first of a pair of tag team matches, and easily the superior of the two because my family from The Revolution were in it! It was Clayton “Gainz” Jackson and “The Sickest Dude in ALL the Land” Zachary Wentz versus the pair of “Mr. 500” Timmy Lou Retton and the winless Daniel Winchester. Timmy Lou put up a helluva fight, showing a great deal of athleticism throughout the match. Unfortunately for him, he teamed up with the losingest wrestler in Rockstar Pro! LOSEchester tried and failed once again, regardless of how much the Rockstar Nation cheered for him. Retton met a fitting end when he took Jackson’s Muscliest Musclebuster Ever immediately followed by Wentz’s Baywood Bomb. The ref could have counted to 500! Retton was out like a light. Chalk up yet another win for The Revolution! Finally, this show got SICK!
“The Pitbull” Ganger went one-on-one against “Professional Athlete” Jon Murray, and I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Here’s where Bork brilliantly addresses how terrible it was to see a Murray match.” Wrong! I was excited for this one! This was the perfect opportunity for a bruiser like Ganger to tear Murray apart. Ganger was more than happy to participate in a “Jon Murray Pro Rules” match and immediately went for weapons. Murray somehow talked him out of it and even won the freaking match with a Halbach Drop! Dammit! I could have watched Ganger cave in Murray’s thick skull for hours. Another excellent opportunity completely ruined by Jon Murray.
“The Sultan of Stank” White Mike returned to Rockstar Pro to square off against “Trigger” Trey Miguel who now thinks he’s a rapper. Here’s the thing. I know that it’s fun to rap in a wrestling way, but wrestling isn’t about fun! It’s about serious competition! Mike looked incredible throughout this match, really taking it to an overconfident Trey. It looked as if Mike might even take Trey’s head off when he applied his amazing Can Opener. Unfortunately, Miguel showed his resiliency and clapped back with a devastating Loaded Clip. With that Trey picked up the win. Thankfully, he didn’t rap his way back to the locker room after the match.
Night Ryderz were in action again. This time it was Dustin Rayz taking on Rockstar Pro World Champion “Juggernaut” Jeremiah in a non-title match. Rayz brought his signature cerebral intensity to the contest, and Jeremiah came prepared for a fight as always. These two brawlers had quite the heated competition, but Dustin would follow in Alex’s footsteps. It was goodnight for Rayz when Jeremiah hit the Baddest Kick in the World for the win. While Jeremiah was celebrating his victory, “Lost Girl” Samantha Heights hit the ring with mic in hand. She bitched and moaned about the Rocsktar Nation’s reaction to Jeremiah’s World Title win, reminding everyone that the Bad Dude attacked and licked and sexually harassed her for months before winning the Championship. If you ask me, she’s just jealous of “Juggernaut”’s accomplishments. Sour grapes don’t taste that good. Right, Sam?
Our second tag team matchup featured Flip ‘N’ Knees (“Hot Fiya” Myron Reed & Marcus Everett) against Rockstar Pro Tag Team Champions Ugly Ducklings (Lance Lude & Rob Killjoy) in a non-title contest. If high-flying, fast-paced tag team wrestling is what you’re after, this match had it all. Flip ‘N’ Knees may be a pair of dicks (Myron is extra cocky, while Marcus is pretentious as hell), but they are quickly learning how to work together as a team. Nevertheless, one Ducksday Device on Marcus and our foul Tag Team Champions won again. Afterward, all three members of The Foundation arrived to DDT and Torture Rack the ever-loving hell out of both teams. Even Sid got in on the action, humiliating the Tag Team Champions by feeding the Ducks scraps of bread. I’d just like to take this opportunity to comment that Mathis’ mic work was stellar as always. Myron and Marcus, however, were not impressed and challenged The Foundation to a match at next week’s Amped.
The main event of the evening saw the final Night Ryder “The Baddest Man Alive” Aaron Williams going toe-to-toe with OI4K’s “The Artist” Jake Crist. Anyone who knows anything about Rockstar Pro is well aware that these two former fellow Tag Team Champions are easily two of the most influential athletes on our roster. It was up to Aaron to secure a victory for Night Ryderz, and this would be no easy task with Crist standing in his way. It was a great match. So great that you should definitely subscribe to Rockstarpronetwork.com to see it. In the end, it was the Backslide (Or as I call it “The Bane of Mathis”) that earned Jake the win.
Spring Break is just around the corner! Will you be there to see Jake challenge Jeremiah for the Rockstar Pro World Championship? Or Zach versus Sami Callihan in a Boards Match? Or The Foundation take aim to shoot down Ugly Ducklings? Probably not because you’re dumb. I, however, will be there to call all the action! Remember to subscribe to Rockstarpronetwork.com and watch us on Fite.tv. Until next time, I remain your Rockstar Pro color commentator and Voice of The Revolution.