Voice of The Revolution (Amped 3-29-17)

This post is going up late because I am writing it under considerable duress. In an effort to experience the wonder of WrestleCon weekend, I hopped in a car headed to Orlando immediately following Amped. Little did I know that I’d be sharing a car with our Junior Official Brian Barton and Rockstar Pro World Champion and The Baddest Dude “Juggernaut” Jeremiah. I’m not too sure about this. Nevertheless, I have work to do.

Our night began with my best bud, the most troubled member of The Revolution’s “Dez Equis” Dezmond Xavier in the ring. It seemed he had something to say, but my best friend “The Sickest Dude in ALL the Land” Zachary Wentz simply couldn’t take it anymore. Zach read Dez the riot act and stripped that ridiculous mask off Xavier’s head. I, for one, couldn’t blame him. Dez stormed off like an impudent child, but he’ll get over it. In better news for my family, Zach introduced the newest member of The Revolution “The Sickest Dude in ALL the UK” Craig West! We’d see this technical wizard in action later in the night.

As thrilled as I was to see West welcomed into The Revolution, my emotional high was immediately ruined by a Jon Murray match. The “Professional Athlete” faced “The Little Engine That Tried and Tried and Tried but Inevitably Failed as Always” Daniel Winchester in a singles contest under “Jon Murray Pro Rules.” Because of reasons. Unsurprisingly, Winchester figured out how to use Murray’s own bullshit against him when he called a timeout that the fat turd was bound by his own rules to honor. Outsmarting Jon Murray most certainly isn’t a monumental task, but suplexing him sure is! Winchester may have pleased the slack-jawed oafs in the Rockstar Nation with that one, but those fools cheered even louder when Murray S’beered the winless wonder. Newsflash, assholes: Winchester lost again. Tag team action was up next, with Night Ryderz (Dustin Rayz & Alex Colon) taking on Toronto, Ontario’s own “Team Tag” (Shane Sabre & Young Miles). Sabre and Miles made for an annoyingly positive and energetic team, and the Ryderz came into the match with the intent to hurt them. Those are unrelated facts, by the way. Miles and Sabre looked great athletically, but their chemistry suffered a bit with nearly three years passing since their last tag team contest. Night Ryderz took advantage of that to keep them separated and beat them mercilessly. A Ride of Death from our former Tag Team Champions sent them packing back to Canada.

In a rematch of last week’s Triple Threat, Pompano Joe and Darin Dinero and Nate Wings entered the ring. Nate may have gotten the upper hand last week, but Pompano had revenge in his eyes. Dinero looked just as dumb and confused as always. It was another physically intense match, showing the significance of accumulating wins at Rockstar Pro. Try as they might, Nate and Darin weren’t going to get one over on an intelligent veteran this time. Joe hit an absolutely lovely, technically perfect Homey Driver on that lunk-head Dinero. That was that. Bad Dudes!

Tag team action continued with Flip ‘N’ Knees (Myron Reed & Marcus Everett) versus The Foundation (Ron Mathis & Bruce Grey) in a match that the young high-flyers demanded after last week’s highly entertaining assault by The Foundation. Both Myron and Marcus resorted to their usual tactics of quick, high-risk offense. The Foundation, however, foiled them every step of the way. Even Sid played his role perfectly, taunting his Chillicothe brethren’s opponents into making mistakes. After a dreadlocked distraction, Mathis lifted Myron into a Torture Rack, while the legal Bruce Grey DDTed the legal Marcus Everett for the win. It seems that The Foundation know exactly how to extinguish the fire in these young wrestlers. They’re looking great as they prepare for their shot at the Tag Team Championships against Ugly Ducklings at Spring Break.

Next up, we had a match that I’d been dreaming about for what seemed like ages. My best friend “The Sickest Dude in ALL the Land” Zachary Wentz went head-to-head against the former leader of Crist & The Revolution “The Artist” Jake Crist. Guess who looked amazing at every turn. Zach. Guess who the Rockstar Nation hurled insults at throughout the entire match. Zach. These idiots only seem to be able to recognize one, very distinct type of genius. Anyway, Jake hit that stupid Backslide just like every single one of his stupid wins in his Best of 7 with Mathis and won. Immediately after the match ended and before even Dave Crist or JT Davidson could react, Jeremiah appeared to deliver an ill-willed Baddest Kick in the World directly to Jake’s face. An enraged OI4K immediately backed down, as Jeremiah expressed his confidence in his chances when he defends his Rockstar Pro World Championship against Jake at Spring Break. Where “Juggernaut” comes from there are only Bad Dudes.

The Dogs of War exploded when former tag team members “The Pitbull” Ganger and “Street Rat” Sid Fabulous went at one another like two caged animals. Sid was incredibly confident going into this one. So much so that he sent his Foundation partners back to the locker room. Confidence is one thing. Running head-on into an angry Ganger is another. Sid has a whole lot of fight in him, and he’s getting better and better the more he trains with Mathis and Grey. Nevertheless, everyone on 3rd Street knew it was over when Ganger got Sid into position. A ferocious Package Piledriver later earned Ganger the pinfall victory.

The Revolution’s newest member “The Sickest Dude in ALL the UK” Craig West finally had his chance to shine in a four-way match against Dave Crist, Aaron Williams and Cole Radrick. Come on, Craig. Show us what you got! Turns out what he had was the ability to go hold-for-hold with Aaron Williams and the guts of steel required to stand up to Dave Crist. He was also smart enough to let both veterans take out their aggressions on Radrick throughout a majority of the match. Unfortunately, that tactic was West’s undoing. Crist punished Radrick with the Square and Compass, and the crazy good match came to an end. You did well, ya scouser. You didn’t take the pinfall, and you held your own against two of Rockstar Pro’s best. Welcome to the family, Craig!

Our main event of the night saw yet another member of The Revolution in action. This time it was my best bro The American Luchacore Champion Clayton “Gainz” Jackson defending his gold strap against “Trigger” Trey Miguel. I noticed Trey didn’t rap his way to the ring this time. I guess he actually took this one seriously. Maybe a little too seriously. Clayton looked stronger than ever. I seriously don’t know how it’s possible at this point. He just keeps getting bigger and bigger. His mean streak was almost as big as his biceps, as he took Trey outside the ring and obliterated him with chairs and more. Somehow, against all odds, Miguel hit the Loaded Clip and won. He won. That little shit actually took Clayton Jackson’s American Luchacore Championship away from him. Celebrate now, Trey. Clayton’s going to get his gold back and rearrange your face in the process. Wait for it.

That’s it for this week. If I manage to survive my time spent in the company of the Rockstar Pro World Champion this weekend, I’ll be back for Amped and Spring Break next week. If I don’t make it, tell the world I was a #SickDude. Until then, I remain your Rockstar Pro color commentator and Voice of The Revolution.

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