Happy whatever, shit grist. Let’s get right to the point. Rockstar Pro’s Spring Break iPPV is this Friday, and it’s shaping up to be one helluva card! Keep reading to learn what happened in the final Amped before this stellar event.
GOD DAMMIT! Match one of the night, and I already had to deal with Jon Murray. The “Professional Athlete” himself faced “Short Stack” Marcus Everett in a singles match. The slippery little bastard managed to outmaneuver Murray for a majority of the match, but he was done in by his own hubris. Little Marcus went to the top turnbuckle and took a flying leap at Murray. Unfortunately for Everett, Murray was ready with a S’beer that knocked the little guy out cold. That’s that. The plus-sized cuck won. Let’s get on with it.
Match two featured tag team action with Night Ryderz (Dustin Rayz & Alex Colon) taking on the pair of Darin Dinero and Rockstar Pro newcomer Kit Osborne. Surprisingly, Dinero and Osborne seemed to team well together. Osborne’s veteran instinct and agility complimented Dinero’s raw power and brute idiocy. Night Ryderz, on the other hand, stuck with their tried-and-true plan of inflicting violence on their opponents. Despite Osborne’s best efforts, Ryderz took control. Alex shrieked out for the Ride of Death, and that was the end of Kit Osborne’s Rockstar Pro debut. Better luck next time, Kit! Maybe choose a better tag team partner.
Our third contest of the evening was a singles bout between Pompano Joe and Nate Wings. The two each gained victories over the last two weeks in Triple Threat bouts that also included Darin Dinero. It was time to determine who was the best man. Both competitors came out strong, but I had to question their mental states. Joe had to be riding high with his best friend as World Champion, but Nate must’ve been upset that Maverick was still out of action. My assessment was thrown out the window when Wings got rolling. Nate took the pinfall victory after hitting an absolutely insane Casadora Bomb. I guess losing his tag team partner really hasn’t slowed him down.
A Four-Way match in our fourth slot? Made sense to me. It was “The Infinite” Cole Radrick versus Daniel Winchester versus “Street Rat” Sid Fabulous versus “The Pitbull” Ganger. Sid attempted to persuade the two youngsters into teaming up against Ganger, but they weren’t having any of it. Ganger focused his aggressions on Sid. He absolutely hates that guy. It was an action-packed match, with Radrick displaying a lot of speed and ingenuity while Winchester showcased his strength. Ultimately, none of their abilities mattered when Ganger hit a mean Package DDT for the win.
Next up, we saw The Foundation (“White Trash Muscle” Ron Mathis & “True Grit” Bruce Grey with their scuzzy friend Sid) take on the debuting Rockstar Pro tag team of The Dirties (Austin Manix & Brandon Edwards accompanied by their lovely valet Sidney Swan). The Detroit natives looked pretty strong, going toe-to-toe with one of the best tag teams in Rockstar Pro. However, all it took was Sid going after Sidney to distract the Motor City musclemen. A crushing combo spelled doom for The Dirties, as Mathis Superplexed Edwards, Bruce Splashed him from the top rope, then Mathis fed Edwards to Bruce for the DDT. After their victory, The Foundation made sure everyone in the Rockstar Nation knew to expect a similar result at Spring Break when they face Ugly Ducklings for their Rockstar Pro Tag Team Championships.
Our third and final tag team contest of the evening saw The Revolution (My best friend “The Sickest Dude in ALL the Land” Zachary Wentz & my best mate “The Most Scouse Dude in all the West” Craig West) go up against the pair of “Hot Fiya” Myron Reed and American Luchacore Champion “Trigger” Trey Miguel. My family looked incredible in this match, as they always do. Wentz looked sicker than ever, and West proved that Liverpool is indeed #1 in the world when it comes to chain wrestling. Unfortunately, Trey got a hold of West’s head. After two Superkicks from Myron, Trey’s Loaded Clip brought the contest to an end. After the match, a hooded figure jumped the celebrating Trey Miguel and put the boots to him hard style. He revealed himself to be none other than “Scumbag for Hire” Tim Donst! Ha ha! Donst will challenge Trey for the American Luchacore Championship at Spring Break. Let’s see if Miguel’s feet and fists can keep up with his mouth.
A Triple Threat Match that would main event most shows was our semi-main of the evening. My best bud “Kardiac Kid” Dezmond Xavier squared off against “The Baddest Man Alive” Aaron Williams and “The Artist” Jake Crist. Thankfully, this whole Dez Equis incident is behind us and Xavier is himself again. This was an incredible match, but I didn’t care for the fact that Aaron and Jake seemed to work together to take out Dez. They even got him in an unforgiving Austin Powers Hallway of Superkicks! If you still need a reason to subscribe to Rockstarpronetwork.com, this match is it! Anyway, Jake pinned Aaron with that god damn Backslide to earn the victory. All three men will be in action at Spring Break.
Our main event featured “Lost Girl” Samantha Heights challenging “Juggernaut” Jeremiah for his Rockstar Pro World Championship. Both were looking for a win going into our iPPV. If Heights won, her match against Joey Ryan would be for the World Title. If Jeremiah won, he would defend against Jake Crist at Spring Break. There was a lot of pent-up aggression let loose in this match. Heights was the last person to pin Jeremiah, and she fought like a woman who truly believed she would win. Jeremiah’s Ultimate Destruction brought an end to that fantasy. I swear. When Jeremiah gets in the ring, sometimes it just seems like his victory is automatic. Jake Crist is going to have the fight of his career when he challenges for Jeremiah’s Rockstar Pro World Championship at Spring Break!
That’s it for Amped. Be sure to join us at Rockstar Pro Arena for Spring Break! It’s going to be a party for sure, your cretins! Until next time, I remain your Rockstar Pro color commentator and Voice of The Revolution.