Voice of The Revolution (Spring Break 4-7-17)

Break out your foam domes and skimpiest bathing attire because it’s Spring Break time at Rockstar Pro Wrestling! I’m skipping the pleasantries and going right to the action. There’s just so much to discuss.

We kicked off our April iPPV with a fantastic matchup between two speedy, high-flying athletes. It was my best bud The Revolution’s “The Kardiac Kid” Dezmond Xavier versus Nate Wings. What an exciting way to dive into Spring Break! Dez and Nate went full speed throughout this contest. It was clear that they wanted to steal the show in its very first match. Wings’ night came to an unpleasant end when Dezmond blasted him with Broken Chains. That’s all it took to secure a victory for The Revolution. Way to go, best bud!

Match two was a six-man tag contest between Night Ryderz (Dustin Rayz, Alex Colon & Aaron Williams) and the team of Kick ‘N’ Knees (Myron Reed & Marcus Everett) and Cole Radrick contested under lucha libre rules. Unfortunately, Everett suffered an injury before the show and had to be replaced by Daniel Winchester. Don’t worry about “Short Stack” though, as he’ll be back in action soon. Night Ryderz took control early and never let up. They singled out Reed early on in the match and obliterated Winchester when he got involved. Somehow, Cole Radrick was able to muster up some offense and get in a few licks. “The Infinite” Radrick’s efforts were met with a Ride of Death to clinch the win for Night Ryderz. What a dominant showing from the baddest bald guys in Rockstar Pro.

Our third contest was a Mosh Pit Scramble with a twist! The Invisible Man entered himself into the match and put his DDT Pro Ironman Heavymetalweight Championship on the line. His opponents included Pompano Joe, “The Pitbull” Ganger, a returning Mikael, Darin Dinero, “Mr. 500” Timmy Lou Retton, Kit Osborne, “Professional Athlete” Jon Murray, and Jock Sampson. The Invisible Man dominated much of the match. It’s no surprise, really. How can anyone fight an opponent they can’t see? Somehow and someway, Murray got his hands on some magic sunglasses that actually allowed him to see the champ! That rotund crap factory used this massive advantage to get his thumb in that invisible bum and pinned the title-holder with a Thumb-in-the-Bum Rollup! I can’t believe Jon Murray became the 1238th Ironman Heavymetalweight Champion!* Way to ruin my night, you fat turd.

Next up, we had an intergender contest between “Lost Girl” Samantha Heights and “The King of Dong Style” Joey Ryan. Heights seemed to be eager to go right after Ryan’s legendary package, and that threw Joey off his game for a bit. This was certainly a bizarre contest, but what more would you expect from the man with the strongest dong? Ryan pulled out a bucket and dumped what had to have been 10,000 gummi bears all over the canvas. Heights turned the tables on him, delivering a sweet Hurricanrana on Ryan directly into the delectable danger. She then hammered him in the back of the head with her DTF kick and pinned Joey Ryan for the win.

The second title match of the evening saw “Trigger” Trey Miguel defending his American Luchacore Championship against “Scumbag for Hire” Tim Donst. It seemed Donst truly expected to waltz into Rockstar Pro, easily defeat Trey, and take the American Luchacore Championship away from Dayton forever. Trey had other plans. Miguel and Donst went back-and-forth in an incredible matchup that spilled into the fans and even saw Trey stage dive out of the shadows onto an unsuspecting Tim. Donst hit a mean Facebuster on Miguel, and the entire Rockstar Nation expected a title change. However, Miguel reversed the Rollup into a quick Crucifix Pin to win the match and retain his American Luchacore Championship. Even Donst had to admit that Miguel bested him and was one helluva champion. Don’t let it go to your head, Trey. Clayton Jackson will be back from England soon. He’s coming for you, “Trigger”!

In yet another title match the Rockstar Pro Tag Team Championships were on the line. It was Ugly Ducklings (Lance Lude & Rob Killjoy) defending their newly won titles against The Foundation (Ron Mathis & Bruce Grey with Sid Fabulous). The Ducklings had been out of action for weeks following incessant attacks from The Foundation, and they returned with vengeance on their minds. The Foundation were 100% focused on walking away from this match as new Tag Team Champions, but this time Ugly Ducklings were ready for them. Killjoy nailed Mathis with a Darkwing Double Stomp to get the 1-2-3 and retain the Rockstar Pro Tag Team Championships. The Foundation are not going to be happy about this.

The next contest was a direct result of what happened in our main event at March’s In Like a Lion. We all know Jeremiah won the Fatal 4-Way to become World Champion for the first time. It happened in large part because then Champion Sami Callihan and my best friend Zachary Wentz were wholly focused on destroying one another. There was no title on the line this time, as “Worldwide Desperado” Sami Callihan and The Revolution’s “Sickest Dude in ALL the Land” Zachary Wentz went at it in a Boards Match. I hated watching my beautiful bestie get thrown through board after board after board. Zach fought like a champion, but I have to admit that Sami simply had his number. Callihan took the win after hitting Wentz with a reckless DVD through two elevated boards. My poor Zach! You didn’t deserve such unfair treatment, my friend. Don’t fret too much. Your family is here for you.

“The Artist” Jake Crist challenged “Juggernaut” Jeremiah for his Rockstar Pro World Championship in our Spring Break main event. Crist defeated Ron Mathis in a grueling Best of Seven Series that went all the way to match seven to earn this opportunity for a shot at the green and gold. Crist’s entrance was epic, but entrances don’t win matches. Jeremiah, on the other hand, came into the match focused on proving that his Championship reign would not be remembered as a fluke. The two put on one incredible match worth of a rewatch at Rockstarpronetwork.com. Just as it seemed Jake might pull of a victory with the famous Backslide he now calls the Work of Art, Samantha Heights pulled our senior official out of the ring! With the referee down and out, Heights punished Jake’s beanbag with a low blow for the ages! That’s all the champ needed to humiliate Crist by defeating him with his own move. Jeremiah’s Backslide earned him the pinfall victory and retained his belt. Jeremiah got the gold and the girl. Your Rockstar Pro World Champion “Juggernaut” Jeremiah is automatic!

What a wild Spring Break! If you missed out or want to relive the action all you need to do is subscribe to Rockstarpronetwork.com. Also, be sure to be at the next and every Amped. You never know what might happen! Until next time, I remain your Rockstar Pro color commentator and Voice of The Revolution.

*Don’t worry. Joey Ryan defeated a drunkenly passed out Murray later in the night to become the 1239th Champion and finally return the title to the waste of a deserving wrestler.

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