Greetings, flap jammers! While you’re busy playing outside and/or touching yourselves, Rockstar Pro is killing it week after week after week. If you missed this week’s edition of Amped, then you missed an unforgettable part of pro wrestling history. But enough berating you (for now), I have incredible wrestling to write about. Let’s do it to it!
Our first match of the evening was one that simultaneously exhibited the highs and lows of professional wrestling. I was thrilled to see “Dirty” White Mike back in the ring and heartbroken to discover he would face “The Professional Athlete” Jon Murray. Mike held his own against the fattest in the room, but Murray’s expansive girth prevented Mike’s Can Opener from being very effective. Murray went for his patented Thumb in the Bum, but White Mike seemed to actually enjoy it. What he didn’t enjoy was the S’beer that followed and granted Murray the pinfall win. Next week we have to endure an entire evening of Jon Murray as General Manager of Amped. Why the hell does that fat lump get such special treatment on his birthday? If I have a brain aneurysm because of this I’m holding Rockstar Pro management responsible!
Next up the Rockstar Pro Tag Team Champions Ugly Ducklings (Lance Lude & Rob Killjoy) defended their titles against Flip ‘N’ Knees (Myron Reed & Marcus Everett). I’m not sure what Flip ‘N’ Knees did to deserve a title shot, but they certainly got one. I have to hand it to them, the young kids looked great. It was probably the best showing Flip ‘N’ Knees ever had at Rockstar, as Marcus and Myron worked incredibly well as a team. They really pushed the Ducklings and definitely endeared themselves to all the idiots in the Rockstar Nation. However, our Rockstar Pro Tag Team Champions would not go down easily. The match ended in a draw as both Everett and Lude had one another’s shoulders pinned* to the mat. Of course, the champion’s advantage meant that Ugly Ducklings remain Tag Team Champions... for now.
It was figuratively David versus Goliath when Nate Wings went one-on-one against “The Pitbull” Ganger. Of course, Mikael tagged along with Ganger while a reluctant Kyle Maverick stood in Wings’ corner. Wings had to rely upon his speed and agility to avoid Ganger’s hard-hitting offense. Maverick must’ve gotten bored or something, as he abandoned Nate by heading backstage. Ganger was about to end Wings with a Tranquilizer, but Mikael intervened. This gave Nate the opportunity to bust out a Hurricanrana and get the 1-2-3 victory over Ganger. After the match, Mikael apologized and pled his case to “The Pitbull” and the two seemed to form a tag team. If you were looking for evidence of Ganger’s complete lack of intellect, look no further.
Match number four was a five-man contest between Darin “Sex Pest” Dinero, Pompano Joe, “Rat Slayer” Mallaki Matthews, “The Infinite” Cole Radrick, and “The Dream” Daniel Winchester. Only Rockstar Pro can bring you this kind of intensity, as all five competitors put it all on the line to prove their dominance! The action was fast and furious, only without 40 mile long runways and improbable driving stunts. Winchester nearly destroyed Mallaki and looked to secure his very first win at Rockstar. However, the wily veteran Pompano Joe chucked him out of the ring and pinned Matthews for the win! Bad Dudes will take wins any way they can get them!
It was the first meeting in the Best Two Out of Three series of singles matches between Night Ryderz and The Foundation to determine the #1 Contenders for the Rockstar Pro Tag Team Championships. The series kicked off with The Foundation’s “Street Rat” Sid Fabulous versus Alex Colon representing Night Ryderz. This one was just as violent as expected, as Alex and Sid really went after one another. Alex brought all of his intensity and physical acumen, but if Sid can survive the streets of Chillicothe he can survive anything. In the end Sid totally outwitted Colon and won the match with a Schoolboy! That’s 1-0 for The Foundation. They are well on their way to becoming the next Rockstar Pro Tag Team Champions!
After that confrontation, both groups were in a tag team match with Night Ryderz (Dustin Rayz & “The Baddest man Alive” Aaron Williams) taking on The Foundation (“White Trash Muscle” Ron Mathis & “True Grit” Bruce Grey). Night Ryderz were not happy about Alex’s loss to Sid, and they did their best to take it out on his Foundation brethren. Mathis and Grey were in great form and looked to sweep their opponents on the night. Unfortunately, Rayz and Williams had other plans. Williams flattened Grey with a Frog Splash followed immediately by a Moonsault from Rayz. Rayz pinned Grey, while Williams fought off an enraged Mathis. Ryderz may have taken the win, but The Foundation are still up in the series that will determine the #1 Contenders for the Rockstar Pro Tag Team Championships!
Four words have always been important to all pro wrestling shows: Card subject to change. The booked match was “The Artist” Jake Crist versus American Luchacore Champion “Trigger” Trey Miguel. Trey, however, didn’t show up. His music played, but he was nowhere to be seen. If Trey wouldn’t take advantage of this amazing chance, The Revolution sure would! My best bro Clayton Jackson stormed the ring as Gee Gee made the announcement. It would be Clayton Jackson versus Jake Crist! Clay looked amazing. He must have put on three stone in pure muscle mass while he was in England! He gave Crist the match of his life, but it just wasn’t Clay’s night. Unfortunately, Jake cleanly landed a Superkick that dazed Clay and made him vulnerable to the Work of Art. Jake won again. “The Artist”’s good time victory celebration didn’t last long before Rockstar Pro World Champion “Juggernaut” Jeremiah attacked. Jeremiah blasted “Iron Manager” JT Davidson in the face with the Baddest Kick in the World and gave Crist a Pop-up Powerbomb that nearly sent him through the ceiling. The Rockstar Pro World Champion is pure danger!
Our main event came about after last week’s major breakdown between my best friend “The Sickest Dude in ALL the Land” Zachary Wentz and my best bud “The Kardiac Kid” Dezmond Xavier. I can’t even write about this one without getting upset and skittish, so just subscribe to Rockstarpronetwork.com already. In the end Dez locked in a leg submission and brutally, remorselessly, continuously kicked Zach in the head until the referee had no choice but to end the match. Wentz was deemed unable to defend himself, and Dez got the win. What an emotional experience! It seems we won’t be seeing much of Dez anymore. Best of luck, best bud. You will be missed.
Well, I’m drained. Come to Amped every Wednesday. Subscribe to Rockstarpronetwork.com. Get the FITE.TV app. Until next time, I remain your Rockstar Pro color commentator and Voice of The Revolution.
* If you ask me Lude’s right shoulder was up, but nobody asks me.