Yuck. Writing this is going to try my patience. This week’s Amped was Jon Murray’s Big Ass Birthday Bash. He got to play General Manager for the night and was treated to balloons, streamers, a Bozo clown, and a veritable cornucopia of snack caky delights. He even got to arrange a date with a female wrestler and challenge for the Rockstar Pro World Championship. Nevermind the fact that no one else gets special treatment on their birthday. This was the reality I had to face.
The first match of the evening was my best bro Clayton Jackson accompanied by “The Sickest Dude in ALL the Land” Zachary Wentz versus Ace Austin (Shakespeare). This was a great contest that almost took my mind off the fact that Murray was in charge. It was pure strength and power against a high-flying, agile athlete. All of Ace’s tricks and flips and misdirections couldn’t get the better of Jackson’s raw power. Clay hit the Muscliest Musclebuster Ever to put Ace down for the 1-2-3. Way to kick things off, Clay! It’ll be up to you to hold things down here at Rockstar Pro while Zach is in the UK for the rest of the month.
Match two was Flip ‘N’ Knees (“Hot Fiya” Myron Reed & “MBD” Marcus Everett) up against Fight or Flight (Kyle Maverick & Nate Wings). One of these tag teams was really firing on all cylinders, while the other was clearly falling apart. Flip ‘N’ Knees hit the ring ready for action and full of energy, while it was clear to all that Fight or Flight were not on the same page. Marcus hit the concrete hard after a high-risk dive, but even a nasty head wound couldn’t keep his team down. Maverick’s heart didn’t seem to be in it, and Wings was discombobulated by his team’s recent difficulties. Myron and Marcus hit a Samoan Drop/Neckbreaker combo to secure the victory. It looks as if big things are in store for Flip ‘N’ Knees while the world crumbles around Fight or Flight.
A killer women’s contest was next on the card, as “Undead Bride” Su Yung faced “The Gem City Queen” Nevaeh. There’s something strangely compelling about Yung. She’s the kind of crazy a guy could murder his whole family just to get close to. Anyway, these two female warriors really slugged it out in the ring. Each tried their damnedest, even though Murray threatened that the winner would have to take him out on a birthday dinner date. Su’s odd obsession with the balloons surrounding the ring was her own undoing. She presented Nevaeh a balloon with a strange, childlike awe. The Queen would have none of it! Nevaeh spun Su around and nailed her with a Tombstone Piledriver, popping Su’s balloon and driving her skull into the mat. Chalk up a win for “The Gem City Queen”, although a dinner date with that plus-sized cuck Murray doesn’t seem like much of a prize to me.
Up next was one of my favorite matches in all of Rockstar Pro, the Mosh Pit Scramble! Entrants included “The Infinite” Cole Radrick, Darin “Sex” Dinero, newcomer Tahir James, “The Dream” Daniel Winchester, another newcomer The Tweener, Pompano Joe, and James Avery. There’s a reason the Mosh Pit Scramble is Rockstar Pro’s signature match. Anything could happen, and the only guarantee is absolutely insane action. Most of the competitors tried to gain the quick advantage, but the wise James Avery bided his time on the ring apron. He only jumped in when he was sure to get the advantage. Winchester looked to acquire his first win, but the wily veteran Pompano Joe quickly pinned The Tweener with a Schoolboy before Winchester’s pin could be counted. Well done, Pompano! Bad Dudes take wins any way they can get them.
The battle between Night Ryderz and The Foundation continued with the team of “The Baddest Man Alive” Aaron Williams and Alex Colon squaring off against the duo of “White Trash Muscle” Ron Mathis and “Street Rat” Sid Fabulous. This match brought all the physicality that anyone could expect from two of our toughest teams in the tag division. It was anyone’s game for most of the match, with the pendulum of momentum swinging back and forth throughout the contest. In the end it was Mathis who provided the distraction, as Fabulous quickly pinned Colon with a Small Package. Sid really has Alex’s number! This gave The Foundation a huge mental advantage going into the second singles match in the Best Two-out-of-Three Series to determine which team will challenge Ugly Ducklings for tag team gold at the Gem City Slam.
The second match in that Best Two-out-of-Three Series saw “True Grit” Bruce Grey go toe-to-toe with the Mind of Night Ryderz Dustin Rayz. I was really eager to see the first meeting between these two hard-hitting veterans, but the match came to an abrupt end. Bruce climbed the turnbuckle and targeted a prone Rayz with a Flying Elbow Drop. Rayz was only able to partially avoid the attack, and Bruce hit both Rayz and the mat shoulder-first with incredible impact. The referee had no choice but to end the match, as Bruce writhed in pain suffering from a dislocated shoulder. Therefore, Rayz won the match via forfeit. The series is now tied 1-1 with one match to go. It’ll be Aaron Williams versus Ron Mathis with a tag team title shot on the line next week on Amped!
Our semi-main event saw “The Artist” Jake Crist take on the returning Maxwell Jacob Friedman. This one was special. It’s always amazing to behold when an incredible veteran with plenty of tricks up his purple sleeve like Crist takes on a young star quickly shooting to the top of the pro wrestling world like Friedman. Massive personalities? Check. Jaw-dropping athleticism? Check. Pushing the human body to its absolute limits? Check. Here’s where I tell you to subscribe to Rockstarpronetwork.com just so you can see this match. MJF looked great as always, but Jake won with that damn Work of Art! Again! Don’t let this loss discourage you, Max. Even though the disrespectful Rockstar Nation throws toilet paper at you, you still have a lot of friends at Rockstar Pro.
The main event of the evening was the absolute epitome of an abuse of power. GM for the night “The Professional Athlete” Jon Murray put himself in a title match against Rockstar Pro World Champion “Juggernaut” Jeremiah when David Starr could not make it because of a family emergency. Damn you, Murray! This one was a beer-soaked brawl between a true champion and a guy who puts his thumb in people’s butts. Jeremiah and his lady friend Samantha Heights did their best to keep brews out of Murrays swollen hands, but it was a task that proved impossible. Beers were consumed, faces were punched, and butts were penetrated. Ultimately, Jeremiah delivered a brutal Baddest Kick in the World to a 12-pack of beer into Murray’s face to down the fattest man alive for the win. After the match, Jeremiah grabbed a chair to beat down Murray. Jake intervened, Murray tried to emulate RVD but failed miserably, and Nevaeh came from out of nowhere to deliver a beautiful Suplex to the Rockstar Pro World Champion. Jake Crist and Nevaeh stood tall, as Jeremiah and Heights headed to the back. Jake revived Murray with some alcohol, a beer bash ensued with Murray, Jake and that guy who looks like Kevin Owens, and “The Fattest Boy” Jon Murray’s Big Ass Birthday Bash was mercifully behind us.
That’s it for now. Join us next week for Amped and the Gem City Slam. Be sure to subscribe to Rockstarpronetwork.com, catch us on the FITE.TV app, or show up at 1106 E. 3rd St. in Dayton for the best wrestling action in the universe! Or continue to waste your life. I’ll be doing everything within my power to cleanse myself of Murray’s nightmarish birthday blowup. Until next time, I remain your Rockstar Pro color commentator and the Voice of Professional Wrestling!