Voice of Professional Wrestling (Amped 5-24-17)
Welcome, you collection of torn perinea! Welcome to the latest recap of Rockstar Pro’s weekly wrestling extravaganza. This week’s Amped was something special to behold. The night was so stacked with great matches it was practically a Supershow! Read on to discover everything that you missed at this stellar show.
The night began with a singles contest between the Mind of Night Ryderz Dustin Rayz and Ace Austin... Shakespeare! The matchup truly highlighted each competitor’s strengths. Austin dazzled with agility and ingenuity, while Rayz employed both his significant strength and devious mind. Every time Ace built up any momentum, Dustin would take him to the mat. Once Rayz hit the Double Underhook Piledriver he calls The Catalyst it was all over for Austin. So the evening began with a win for Night Ryderz, but would we see a similar result in our main event?
Next up, we had incredible women’s action between “The Ballsy Badass” Shotzi Blakk Heartt and “The Madam Merc with a Mouth” Slady Wilson. The Nation was split in their support for Wilson, but they all cheered for Blakk Heartt’s Satanic biker appeal. These women both proved that they are accomplished athletes, as this one truly could have gone either way. In the end, it was “The Ballsy Badass” who took control. Shotzi climbed to the top of the turnbuckle, took to the skies, and drilled Slady with a mean Senton known as Dropzone. After that it was purely academic. What a massive win for Shotzi Blakk Heartt in her Rockstar Pro debut!
Our third contest saw the tag teams of The Foundation (“White Trash Muscle” Ron Mathis & “Street Rat” Sid Fabulous with the injured “True Grit” Bruce Grey and Prospect in their corner) and “The Pitbull” Ganger and Mikael battle it out. This one was very much the fight that we expected. Neither Ganger nor Mikael are known for their grace and fluidity in the ring, and The Foundation were more than prepared for such a conflict. Ganger attempted to get Mathis in position for a Package Piledriver, but Mathis reversed it into an incredible ATM Piledriver of his own. Three seconds later The Foundation were victorious. After the match, it seemed The Foundation might allow Prospect to do some damage, but Bruce wisely changed his mind. Instead, the honor went to Fabulous who DDTed Mikael so hard that bozo will never be the same.
A Triple Threat match followed between Nate Wings, half of the Rockstar Pro Tag Team Champions Rob Killjoy, and Pompano Joe. This one was like a three-way chess match. It had a frenetic energy to it, as each competitor stayed alert and went for the quickest victory possible. I expected Killjoy to be a lost Duckling without his partner Lance Lude by his side, but he more than held his own against both Wings and Pompano. Pompano Joe, the wisest and most experienced of the competitors looked great as always. Wings called out “Yahtzee!” as he went for his tag partner’s signature Discuss Elbow. The question remains: Was this a tribute to Kyle Maverick or a subtle dig? It seemed as if Pompano would win yet again. Wings, however, pinned Joe with a very sneaky (but admittedly resourceful) Rollup to win the match. This was a great result for Wings, but his Fight or Flight partner Kyle Maverick was nowhere to be found.
Tag team action continued, as The Gymnasty Boys (“Dirty” White Mike & “Tantalizing” Timmy Lou Retton) squared off against the pair of “The Infinite” Cole Radrick and Darin Dinero. There’s something about those Gymnasties that I find rather appealing. They’re just greasy enough to earn my support. Radrick, however, is that obnoxious little brother nobody wants, while Dinero has been caught in a downward spiral since the breakup of Bro Warriors months and months ago. White Mike and Timmy Lou looked great from the get go, but Dinero and Radrick must have some sort of good luck charm. Dinero popped White Mike right in the face with Greetings from Elizabeth to earn the pinfall victory. With that win the unlikely duo of Radrick and Dinero are now 3-0 and undefeated as a tag team at Rockstar Pro! Who would have predicted such success from a muscle dummy and his annoying little brother?
Next, we saw two men known for hardcore brawling in a one-on-one contest where standard rules applied. It was John Wayne Murdoch versus Devon Moore. For two guys who have made names for themselves as hardcore death match specialists, when it came down to it they could truly go in the ring. Don’t get me wrong, there was certainly some clubbering in this match. However, both Moore and Murdoch pulled out all the stops and proved that they are far from one-trick ponies. As they climbed to the top of the turnbuckle, the Rockstar Nation had no idea what to expect. With incredible agility, Murdoch punished Moore with a Destroyer from the top rope to gain his first victory at Rockstar Pro! I have a feeling we haven’t seen the last of these two talented pro wrestlers.
God dammit. I was having such a great night, and it all had to be ruined by Jon Murray. He faced “Manscout” Jake Manning in a singles match contested under “Jon Murray Pro Rules.” Just what we needed: a grown man who still adheres to a rulebook written for children, and an overgrown man more obsessed with digitally penetrating butts than actual wrestling. However, even the old Thumb in the Bum couldn’t take care of business and earn Murray a win. Manning suddenly hit Murray with a Sunset Flip pin from out of nowhere to defeat the rotund reject known as Jon Murray. Yes! Take that, you fat turd! You couldn’t even win a match contested under the nonsense rules that you yourself concocted!
Our main event pitted the recently formed tag team of Wendy & Lisa (“The Artist” Jake Crist & American Luchacore Champion “Trigger” Trey Miguel) against Night Ryderz (Alex Colon & “The Baddest Man Alive” Aaron Williams). What an awesome main event! It started off fast and furious, with both teams going directly after the other. It was quite a contest, and just as it seemed to hit its climax something magical happened. “Juggernaut” Jeremiah and my best bro Clayton Jackson hit the ring to attack their rivals. #1 Contender for the American Luchacore Championship Clayton Chackson went directly for Trey, as Jeremiah set his sites on Jake. My partner at the commentation station Mark Turner claimed that these actions “ruined” a great main event. I disagreed, as the match was improved by making Jeremiah & Clay the third tag team entered into the contest. This three-way tag team match was one of the most amazing spectacles in the history of Rockstar Pro Wrestling. I’ll just sum it up in a single word: ...DIVES! The match came to an end when Jeremiah nailed Jake right in the face with The Baddest Kick in the World for the 1-2-3 pinfall victory! There was hardly any time to celebrate before The Foundation attacked Night Ryderz. Dustin Rayz came out to defend his teammates, while Jeremiah and Clay focused their aggressions on their rivals. It was utter chaos! The Rockstar Pro World Champion “The Gem City Queen” Nevaeh had enough of The Foundation, Night Ryderz, Jeremiah and Clayton Jackson. She hit the squared circle and cleaned house, German Suplexing nearly everyone in the ring! After a particularly brutal Suplex on Jeremiah, she expressed to every wrestler in the locker room and the entire Rockstar Nation that she was more than ready to defender her World Championship against “Lost Girl” Samantha Heights at the upcoming Tournament of Flight in June. What a match that’s going to be!
That’s it for this week, folks. The intensity of the aggression at Rockstar Pro continues to amplify week after week! You can catch it all live every Wednesday night at 7:30 at 1106 E. 3rd St. in Dayton or by subscribing to Rockstarpronetwork.com or by downloading the FITE TV app. Until next time, I remain your Rockstar Pro color commentator and the Voice of Professional Wrestling.