Okay, slime diapers. Let’s do this. Right to the wrestling. No messing around. No delays. No faffing about. Nope. Not here. All thriller and no filler. And so on.
Our opening match was an intergender contest between “Lost Girl” Samantha Heights and “Punk Rock Kween” Jamie Senegal. It didn’t matter to Heights that it was Senegal’s birthday, as she targeted his head and neck with strike after strike. Senegal wouldn’t go down easily and repeatedly rocked Heights with his best offense. In the end it was a Bangarang that took Jamie down for the 1-2-3. Samantha earned a much needed win after losing the Fanny Pack Championship to our senior official following about a five second reign last week.
Next, “Hot Fiya” Myron Reed hit the ring with a look of determination. He demanded just one more match against our Rockstar Pro World Champion “The Fresh Prince of Midair” Trey Miguel. Miguel claimed to be a fighting champion, and just as he was about to accept Reed’s challenge a new challenger appeared. Rockstar Pro veteran and half of our Rockstar Pro Tag Team Champions Night Ryderz Dustin Rayz was sick of the young guns at Rockstar getting all of the opportunities. He wanted a shot at the green and gold as well. Gee Gee entered to make the match. A non-title match between Dustin Rayz and Trey Miguel became our main event. If Rayz won he could challenge for Miguel’s title at Horrorcore. If not, then Reed would get the title shot.
Singles action followed between day one Rockstar Pro Nate Wings and newcomer Will “The Thrill” Burden. We’ve seen Wings take on all challenges great and small within the squared circle, and he showed true guts (or perhaps stupidity!) by calling out Larry D during this contest. Burden got in some good offense, but he was ultimately no match for Wings’ speed and agility. Wings won with a smooth-as-silk Vertekaze.
Just as Wings disappeared backstage, Larry D thew him back to the ringside area! Apparently, “The Legendary” Larry D doesn’t like to be called out by wrestlers 1/3 his size. D smashed Wings against the apron with a cruel Powerbomb and continued his assault inside the ring. Fortunately for Wings, Ace Austin jumped into the action to begin our next match. It was Ace Austin... Shakespeare versus Larry D. Ace may be a highlight reel inside the ring, but Larry D refused to be upstaged. Every week this behemoth awes the Rockstar Nation with a new feat of agility. This time he blasted Austin with a powerful Spear from the apron into the ring! All it took after that was an incredible Sitout Powerbomb from the top turnbuckle to give Larry D yet another mark in the win column. Wings better be careful. Calling out giants can be hazardous to one’s health.
The Fanny Pack Championship was on the line as “Too Sick for this World” Zachary Wentz defended against “Kinetic” Cole Radrick. This championship has brought nothing but madness to Rockstar Pro, and the madness apparently followed Wentz to New Jersey. With the 24/7 stipulation always in play for this title, the champion can never rest easy. Over the weekend Wentz lost it to Alex Colon, in a fluke incident Colon lost it to a couple of J-brones, Ace Austin won it, and then Zach won it back again in a literal dick measuring contest. Whew. Wentz and Radrick attacked one another like wild animals until they were forced to team up against the various challengers surrounding the ring. When Zach let his guard down for an instant Radrick rolled him up to become Fanny Pack Champion! The “Kinetic” freak didn’t celebrate for long before he was rolled up by our roaming camera operator. As our bendy-legged cameraman relished in his victory, ring announcer JP rolled him up as well. In a rare instance, I’ll give JP some credit. He got the hell out of there before someone else could attack him. Whatever life changing powers possessed by this Fanny Pack Championship, I can say one this with absolute clarity. This title is fucking insane!
With no ring announcer in sight, The Foundation’s “True Grit” Bruce Grey came to the ring to call out “Professional Butt-Thumber” Jon Murray. Bruce just wanted some clarification about the “Finishers Match” as his devastating DDT always brings his opponents’ hopes of winning to an end. Murray explained that there would be no pinfalls or submissions in their match at Horrorcore and only his Choke Bomb or Bruce’s DDT could end the contest. The two former Tag Team Champions traded verbal barbs until Grey had enough. Grey DDTed Murray and left him a pile a flesh in the ring. Looks like Murray’s writing checks his substantial posterior can’t cash once again.
Next up, we saw my bro Clayton “Gainz” Jackson take on young Pav City in a one-on-one contest. Young talent are practically banging down the door to get a shot at being on the Rockstar Pro roster, and that’s bringing some fantastic challenges to our established athletes. Pav got in a few licks, but he was no match for the man who is too swole to control! Clay’s 3CC only means one thing. Three count’s coming! After his victory, Clay challenged Zachary Wentz to a match at Horrorcore. This October it will be Jackson versus Wentz in a Casket Match! When it comes time to bury Zach, I’ll gladly bring the shovel!
Tag team action followed with The Foundation (“Street Rat” Sid Fabulous & Pat “The Bruiser”) versus the unlikely duo of Donovan Danhausen & Pompano Joe. Pat and Sid are really getting on the same page as a team, while Danhausen and Joe are just getting to know one another. “Everyone’s Homey” and this punk rock kid from Michigan still need to work on their timing, and a single misstep gave The Foundation the opening they needed. Bruce Grey must be sharing his secrets with his Foundation brethren because Sid and Pat were in sync on an Ultra Mega Mass DDT! Count that one as a moral and literal victory for The Foundation!
As our latest Fanny Pack Champion JP began to announce the main event, he was sneak attacked with a Superkick by Zach Wentz. Once again, Zach became freaking Fanny Pack Champ... and unofficial ring announcer for the main event. Just what we needed. More Zachary Wentz. Blarg. Seconds later, principal owner CW Scott rolled Zach up. Now one of our owners is Fanny Pack Champion!? I’m flabbergasted. Nevertheless, our main event was “The Catalyst” Dustin Rayz versus “The Fresh Prince of Midair” Trey Miguel in a non-title contest. Rayz proved once again that over a decade in the ring has sculpted him into a violence machine! He took Miguel to the mat, matched his explosive speed step-for-step, and threw massively clubbing blows with our World Champion. To end a great contest, Trey locked in the Loaded Clip for the win. As our Champion celebrated, Reed flew through the ring entrance and planted Miguel’s face in the mat with a Flame On! The two young rockstars will face off at Horrorcore in a Two out of Three Falls Match for the Rockstar Pro World Championship!
Rockstar Pro has everything necessary to feed your pro wrestling needs, ya gimps! We have Lucha Comes to Dayton this weekend and the stipulation-loaded Horrorcore to kick off next month! Check us out on Nu-TV or by subscribing to Rockstarpronetwork.com. Until next time, I remain your Rockstar Pro color commentator and the Voice of Professional Wrestling.