Voice of Professional Wrestling (Amped 9-20-17)
Welcome back, non-champions! Former Rockstar Pro Fanny Pack Champion Bork Torkleson here to tell you all about the most recent edition of Amped. Lucha Comes to Dayton injected the Rockstar Arena with a fresh dose of exuberance and the knowledge that our locker room can go toe-to-toe with some of the best wrestlers Mexico has to offer. HorrorCore is just around the corner, and tensions are running high as we prepare for this fan favorite iPPV.
We kicked things off with a matchup from the Rockin’ Robin Tournament that injuries prevented from ever happening. It was my bro Clayton “Gainz” Jackson taking on “The Lost Girl” Samantha Heights. Heights hit the ring like a tightly-wound ball of fury, but my bro remain confident and collected. It was speed and sneakiness versus power and cunning. I never doubted Clay for a second. Jackson nearly broke Heights in half with a monstrous 3CC that earned him the pinfall victory! Congrats to the man who is too swole to control for starting off Amped with an impressive win.
Our second contest saw a lot of newcomers to Rockstar Pro doing their best to impress in tag team action. It was “The Complete Athlete” Devin Driscoll & “Man of Tomorrow” Daniel Eads versus Adam Slade & Kevin Geza. Geza and Slade were pumped up and eager to show the Rockstar Nation they could hang with two raging behemoths, literally flinging themselves at their opposition. The massive Driscoll and Eads weren’t having it. They manhandled the much smaller Slade and Geza for a majority of the match. Eads threw Geza high into the air, and Driscoll caught their opponent with a crushing Cutter! It was an impressive end to an equally impressive showing. That’s how you get noticed at Rockstar!
The bad blood between The Foundation and the newly formed duo of Pompano Joe and Donovan Danhausen continued to pump through these wrestlers’ veins. We saw The Foundation’s Pat the Bruiser go head-to-head with Donovan Danhausen. It seems Pat has finally discovered how to effectively throw his weight around. Conversely, teaming up with Pompano has injected Donovan with a newfound confidence. These two went at it with the furor of a championship match. Fabulous was able to gain Danhausen’s attention just long enough for Pat to catch the punk rocker with a Twisting Reverse Slam for the win. Sid celebrated, but Joe was not pleased.
The two men at ringside immediately jumped into the ring, and the next match began. “Street Rat” Sid Fabulous and Pompano Joe went right after one another. Sid nearly crushed Joe’s head like a grape early in the match, but the veteran persisted. This time it was Danhausen who provided the distraction that granted Joe the opportunity to apply a shattering Homie Driver to Fabulous. Just like that “Everyone’s Homie” got the win. With these two factions going 1-1 on the night, the hatred between them continues to fester.
Nate Wings defended his Fanny Pack Championship against “Kinetic” Cole Radrick (Or, as he now calls himself, Cold Sad Dick) in an intense title match. This one was incredibly fast-paced and featured some truly brutal offense. Cole must have one of the thickest skulls in Rockstar Pro to throw headbutts like he did! Wings, however, is not to be underestimated. Just as it seemed Radrick might win the Fanny Pack for the second time, Wings pulled off an amazing ‘Rana Reversal to pin Radrick’s shoulders to the mat for 1-2-3! Unfortunately for both Wings and Radrick, Larry D hit the ring and destroyed both smaller wrestlers. He reminded Wings of their match at HorrorCore and splattered the high-flyer across the canvas before heading back to the locker room. This commentator knows a massive opportunity when he sees it! I ran into the ring, called for a ref, and pinned the KOed Wings to become new Rockstar Pro Fanny Pack Champion! What a night for me! And huge thanks to my bro Clayton Jackson for both helping me celebrate and serving as my personal bodyguard for the rest of the evening.
That damn Scouser “The Sickest Dude in All the UK” Craig West took on Will “The Thrill” Burden in the next match. Burden displayed fighting spirit. I’ll give him that. West, on the other hand, had all the swagger and braggadocio of someone who has spent too much time with Zachary Wentz. We used to be friends, Craig! Nevertheless, West blasted Burden with a Cross-legged Sit-out Suplex he calls Scouse or Die to earn the win. I can’t believe I got a night off from Wentz only to have this wanker remind me of his awfulness!
Blarg. We then hit the drizzling shits of the night when “Professional Athlete” Jon Murray entered the squared circle. He competed in singles action against relative newcomer Pav City. No offense to Pav City, but I feel like every time Murray steps into the ring the entire Rockstar Pro Arena gets dumber. Pav showed some true potential, displaying fluidity and agility in the ring. But we must not forget just how low Jon Murray will sink. He chugged a beer during the match, but that was the least of Murray’s sins. Resorting to his usual gross tactics, Murray violated Pav with the Thumb in the Bum before finishing him off with his patented Choke Bomb. As soon as the bell signified the end of the match, The Foundation hit the ring. Sid and Pat put the boots to that lump Murray while “True Grit’ Bruce Grey spat truth into Jon’s bloated face. Bruce reminded everyone that it only takes one DDT to take out anyone. These two former Tag Team Champions will clash at HorrorCore. If Murray hits the Choke Bomb (Yeah, right!) or Grey hits the DDT the winner will immediately be declared!
Our main event saw the Night Ryderz explode when Alex Colon went one-on-one with “The Baddest Man Alive” Aaron Williams! This match provided perfect evidence of why it’s always a mistake to miss a single episode of Amped. These two top-notch competitors put on a clinic of both grappling and striking. You must catch Amped live or subscribe to Rockstarpronetwork.com to appreciate the feel of this epic conflict. The Double Stomps alone in this contest must be seen to be believed. In the end, Williams dropped Colon right on his dome with a punishing Cradle Piledriver to prove himself the most vicious member of the trio of Night Ryderz!
That wraps it up for this week, sludge plungers! How honored you must feel to read the noble words of a champion! Catch us live every Wednesday or on Nu-TV at 6:05 Saturday nights or by subscribing to Rockstarpronetwork.com. Until next time, I remain your Rockstar Pro color commentator and the Voice of Professional Wrestling... and one-time Fanny Pack Champion!