Voice of Professional Wrestling (Horror-Core 10-6-17)
Welcome back, slapstick slasher casualties! It’s the only wrestling show where the chainsaws are always dirty, but the knives are sparkling clean. This is Horror-Core! It was an insane night of ghoulish wrestling action at one of Rockstar Pro’s signature annual events. Let’s get right to it!
The night began with a Not So Dark Match as the Rockstar Nation were still lumbering to their seats. It was Babe’s Choice, and the stipulation Babe picked was a The Floor is Lava Match, I Guess? Rockstar Nation favorite Ace Austin... Shakespeare faced the massive Rockstar Pro newcomer “The KLD” Kevin Lee Davidson (No relation to JT) in this bizarre contest. Ace definitely had his work cut out for him, as KLD outweighed him by 200 pounds give or take. Davidson thew Austin around the ring for much of the match, but Ace always found a way to keep his feet off the floor. Ace proved his agility by leaping from the ring apron to a support beam, then he shimmied around the guardrail with feet that never touched the floor. KLD awaited Ace on the ring entrance, but Ace had other plans. He leapt from the guardrail into the ring, bounced off the ropes, and 619ed KLD onto the floor and into the lava! What a win for Ace Austin... Shakespeare! Now let’s never allow Babe to choose stipulations again.
That goddamn “Too Sick for this World” Zachary Wentz faced my bro Clayton “Gainz” Jackson in a Casket Match to keep things rolling. Even though we had video evidence of Zach being abducted by visitors from another world, I remain dubious. Nevertheless, these two incredible young athletes put on a clinic as only they can. Clay bounced back from Wentz’s best offense, but my bro just couldn’t keep his green-skinned opponent down. The Rockstar Nation was pumped for this one, and even Mama Jackson got into the spirit! She spat mouthfuls of pre-workout drink into both the junior junior official’s and Wentz’s faces. It was great! Unfortunately, it didn’t go well in the end. Zach Double-Stomped Clayton into the double-wide coffin (not technically a casket) and slammed the lid shut for the win. I hate that sick alien asshole!
Next up was the *ugh* House Party Match between the pair of Pompano Joe & Donovan Danhausen and The Foundation (“Street Rat” Sid Fabulous & Pat the Bruiser). Pompano brought the music and the cheapest beer possible, while The Foundation brought only weapons and bad intentions. This match had all of the nonsense one would expect from Joe, including an extended dance sequence to the tones of the excruciating “Too Legit to Quit.” Pat and Sid, however, were determined to prevent the idiotic pair of Joe and Donovan from having any fun. A massive Lariat by Pat the Bruiser delivered directly to Danhausen’s face brought this one to an end. Party’s over, fun boys!
A Lights Out Match followed between Night Ryderz (Dustin Rayz, Alex Colon & “The Baddest Man Alive” Aaron Williams) and the International Best Friends (“Kinetic” Cole Radrick, “Space Beast” Shigehiro Irie & “Scouse or Die” Craig West). This match gave the Ryderz a huge advantage even before it was revealed that Irie is afraid of the dark! Not only are Night Ryderz at one with the darkness, their trio of opponents hardly even spoke the same language! This match was craziness from the very beginning with all six men throwing caution to the wind and their bodies at their opponents. The arena glowed a faint blue, as the Rockstar Nation’s cell phones illuminated the action. Williams hammered Radrick in the face with literal flaming nunchaku as a prelude to Colon and Rayz delivering a Ride of Death to West. The R.O.D. always leads to a Night Ryderz victory, and Horror-Core was no exception!
Next up, Nate Wings took on “The Legendary” Larry D in a David & Goliath Match. Nate asked for this one, calling out the big bully Larry D week after week. Larry D was happy to oblige and came to this one brimming with confidence. The big man absolutely dominated Wings for most of the match, punishing his diminutive opponent with power move after power move. Somehow, someway, Wings persisted. Larry D set up two chairs with a large sheet of plywood between them in the ring, looking for his Top Rope Sit-out Powerbomb. In a massive reversal of fortunes, Nate pulled off a Top Rope Hurricanrana to put Larry D through the board! Once again, David defeated Goliath. I hate to think of how Larry D is going to respond to his first loss at Rockstar Pro. I, for one, am staying the hell out of his way.
The Foundation’s “True Grit” Bruce Grey faced off against “Professional Ass-lete” Jon Murray in a Finisher Match. No DQ, no pinfalls, and no submissions. The first man to hit their signature finisher would win. Both men played mind games before the match even began, as Grey entered the ring to Grits & Gravy’s theme while Murray walked out to Smart Bombs Deluxe’s entrance music. Both competitors quickly went for their finishers, but it turned into a bit of a game of cat and fat mouse. Murray’s damn sweaty towel also came into play on multiple occasions. Proving it was always “All Grit & No Gravy,” Bruce was smart enough to call in his Foundation brethren to soften up Murray. Just as he was about to blast his rotund opponent with a DDT, familiar music rang out. Ron Mathis returned to an uproarious response from the Nation! Unfortunately, he chose to whack both Sid and Pat with a kendo stick and left Bruce wide open for Murray’s Choke Bomb. That single move brought the match to a victorious end for Murray. More importantly, what’s going on with Mathis!? My poor heart can’t withstand this sort of return for a man I’ve considered a mentor and role model during my entire tenure at Rockstar Pro!
There was no time to dwell on whatever’s in Mathis’ head, as the next match was a Monsters’ Brawl between the returning Mecha Wolf and “Big Mike” Michael Elgin in his Rockstar Pro debut! This is the type of match that Rockstarpronetwork.com was made for! You gotta subscribe to see this incredible conflict. Both Wolf and Elgin showed why they are massive stars in this business! Elgin’s strength almost defied belief, as ever blow seemed to rattle Mecha Wolf’s bones. Mecha, on the other hand, employed both power and incredible speed and agility to push Elgin to his limits. After an epic battle, “Big Mike” hit an impressive Elgin Bomb to secure the win. Let’s hope these two can return to Dayton soon and tear the house down yet again!
Our penultimate contest pitted “Lost Girl” Samantha Heights against Christi Jaynes in her Rockstar Pro debut! Oh, did I mention it was a Women’s Dog Collar Match? It was. Heights received a hero’s welcome, as the Nation showered her with Pokemon cards! I’m more of a Magic: The Gathering guy, but whatever. Jaynes proved to be a great athlete and was smart enough to creatively use the chain that attached her to her opponent. Our junior junior official even got in on the action, jumping rope and getting all tied up in the chain. That little pervert will probably cherish those moments for years. Heights revealed her supremely vicious side when she discovered that locking in a submission on Christi wouldn’t be enough. Samantha wrapped the chain around Jaynes’ neck and mouth, pulling with all her might. Christi Jaynes had no choice but to tap out! It was a rough Rockstar Pro debut for Jaynes, but with any luck we’ll see her again.
The main event of the evening saw “Hot Fiya” Myron Reed challenge “The Fresh Prince of Midair” Trey Miguel for the Rockstar Pro World Championship in a Two-Out-of-Three Falls Match. These two former friends and brothers went after each other at full speed, each trying to gain that all important first fall. Emotions ran high, and the desire for championship gold saw these two brawl out into the Rockstar Nation. Both champion and challenger got so caught up in trying to beat the sense out of one another that neither noticed the referees count, and both fell victim to the dreaded count out. With once fall apiece, the beaten and bruised warriors crawled back into the ring. They gave each other everything the had and even had to pull out some new tricks. Ultimately, Miguel nailed the Loaded Clip (a second time) to keep Reed down and retain his title. Miguel proved himself to be such a popular World Champion that some members of the Rockstar Nation considered it an honor to give him the shoes right off their feet! As Trey celebrated, it was revealed that JT Davidson discovered and immediately signed a contract for a shot at the Rockstar Pro World Championship. I wish I would have gotten a chance to look inside that damned thing!
Horror-Core is in the pocket and outta sight. You should have been there, dingus. What will happen with the Fanny Pack Championship now that JT has revealed its secrets within? How will Rockstar Pro World Champion Trey Miguel respond to this challenge? Find out at 1106 E. 3rd St or by watching us on Nu-TV, FITE.TV, and Rockstarpronetwork.com! I remain your Rockstar Pro color commentator and the Voice of Professional Wrestling.