Voice of Professional Wrestling (Amped 11-1-17)

Awaken from your candy comas, dirt sleeves! You need to know what happened at Rockstar Pro’s Amped this week. Imma Be a Gangsta Forever is this Friday, and the action will blast all that sluggish sugar out of at least one of your orifices. So pay attention!

Our opening match set a fat precedent for the evening when the wig wearing “Professional Athlete” Jon Murray went one-on-one with The Foundation’s Pat the Bruiser (with Sid Fabulous and Bruce Grey in his corner). As one would expect, this was a tale of two bellies colliding. Pat has improved by leaps and bounds under the tutelage of Bruce Grey, while Jon Murray was just as obnoxious as every. Murray even hit the old Thumb in the Bum on his hapless opponent. A Choke Bomb from Jon Murray brought the match to an end, but The Foundation weren’t finished. Grey and Fabulous jumped Jon Murray in order to soften him up a bit before Imma Be a Gangster Forever. They would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for Ron Mathis! The “White Trash Messiah” hit the ring with kendo stick in hand. The Foundation fled as Mathis tossed his weapon at Murray.

Tag team action followed as Night Ryderz (Dustin Rayz & Alex Colon) faced the pair of Pompano Joe and Donovan Danhausen. Styles clashed when the smash-mouth Night Ryderz stood across quirky couple of a dancing veteran and a tattooed punk rocker. The team that I refuse to call “Joehausen” showed that they are working together well by putting together some impressive tandem offense. However, the Night Ryderz did what the Night Ryderz do. After taking Joe out Alex called for it. One Ride of Death later, and Danhausen was on his back looking up at the lights for and old-fashioned three-count.

New Trios Championships are coming to Rockstar Pro, but our athletes wouldn’t wait for the titles to be on the line before competing in the ring. Those three dicks Zachary Wentz, Myron Reed and Clayton Jackson took on Samantha Heights, Nate Wings and Ace Austin... Shakespeare. Sam, Nate and Ace faced one another in a Triple Threat match only last week. How would they work together as a trio? Surprisingly well it turns out! That was until an unannounced Hudson Envy jumped into the ring and attacked Samantha Heights. Envy and Heights brawled to the back, effectively turning this one into a Handicap match. Remember there are no disqualifications in trios matches! The three young guns outnumbered Ace and Nate. It wasn’t long before Jackson and Wentz double-teamed Wings for the pinfall victory.

Intriguing singles competition was up next. “Legendary” Larry D faced a mighty challenge from Night Ryderz’ “Baddest Man Alive” Aaron Williams. This contest alternated between a slugfest and a test of one-upmanship. Williams brought an offense to D that the big man had never seen before inside the Rockstar Pro ring. Impressive feats of strength and endurance were on display by each man. Both gladiators were thrown into our referee throughout this matchup. As the action spilled to ringside, senior official Rudy followed only to be crushed between the wrestlers and the ring apron. The match was declared a no contest which pleased neither man. If Larry D can remorselessly do that to a referee, just imagine what he’ll do to Cole Radrick!

Another big singles match followed between The Foundation’s “Street Rat” Sid Fabulous and “White Trash Messiah” Ron Mathis. Sid went after Mathis in his usual scrappy style, while Mathis focused on overpowering the “Street Rat.” Mathis’ Torture Rack is one of the most dangerous holds at Rockstar Pro. Although Sid was able to fight out of it once or twice, Mathis eventually locked it in and it was all over. Mathis won via submission. The Foundation were not happy and ganged up on Mathis. That lump Murray came out to save the guy who won’t even shake his hand and got exactly what he deserved: a low blow just like Ron! Sid kept Murray down while Grey ordered Pat to hit repeated splashes right on Mathis’ surgery scar. I can’t wait to see Bruce DDT both Jon Murray and Ron Mathis at Imma Be a Gangsta Forever!

Our main event match of the evening pitted “Kinetic” Cole Radrick against OI4K’s “Space Beast” Shigehiro Irie. These two members of the International Best Friends* have been close since communicating in car rides via Google Translate. Shigehiro, however, was in no friendly mood. This match pitted power and focused energy against wild fury and reckless ambition. Cole jumped off the middle rope eager to hit Just One Yesterday, but Irie had the perfect counter in store. Shigehiro locked on the Katahajime and forced young Radrick to tap out. You lost to one beast in this match, Cole. At Imma Be a Gangsta Forever the beast you face will be prepared for a Street Fight. Will you?

After our main event, Rockstar Pro World Champion “The Fresh Prince of Midair” Trey Miguel hit the ring to inform the slack-jawed yokels in the Rockstar Nation of the reason he refused to accept a title match with “Iron Manager” JT Davidson. After being met with more boos than cheers, our world champion asked Davidson to join him. It was then that JT dropped a bomb on the Rockstar Nation. Davidson’s medical history and a recent cardiological evaluation led his doctors to request that JT no longer compete in the ring. JT was devastated, but at least he had the chutzpah to point out that Trey had made the right call from the beginning. Since the “Iron Manager” wasn’t cleared to compete, he tossed the Fanny Pack Championship into the middle of the ring and left it up for grabs. Every Rockstar Pro employee rushed to the ring to get a chance at that fanny pack and a shot at the Rockstar Pro World Championship. We fought in and around the ring until familiar music hit. Jake Crist came through the curtain. The sea of wrestlers parted as Crist walked confidently to the Fanny Pack Championship, picked it up, and left the ring unmolested. Looks like we have a challenger for whomever wins the Triple Threat between Miguel, Shigehiro Irie, and “The Notorious 187” Homicide at Imma Be a Gangsta Forever!

What a night! If you missed it, don’t worry. Your life still has meaning. That is assuming you don’t miss Imma Be a Gangsta Forever at Rockstar Pro on Friday, November 3rd! We put that wrestling in your face! Now whatcha gonna do with it? Remember to catch all the action by subscribing to Rockstarpronetwork.com. Until next time, I remain your Rockstar Pro color commentator and the Voice of Professional Wrestling.

* Gross.

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