Alright, rage parties. Let’s do this. We’re well on our way toward our big anniversary show VI, and you can’t find better wrestling action than what’s on display every week at Rockstar Pro’s Amped! Every member of OI4K’s championship reign has only just begun, and the entire Rockstar Pro roster continues to battle for a shot at that ever-elusive gold.
Before any matches could begin, JP welcomed OI4K to the ring. “Iron Manager” JT Davidson escorted Rockstar Pro Trios Champions “Havok Death Machine” Jessicka Havok, “Worldwide Desperado” Sami Callihan and “Human GIF Machine” Dave Crist and Rockstar Pro World Champion “One Mean Hombre” Jake Crist through the entrance to the cheers and adoration of the Rockstar Nation. As Davidson sang the praises of his faction, former Rockstar Pro World Champion Trey Miguel couldn’t take it anymore. He showed his face at Rockstar for the first time in six weeks in an attempt to rid Dayton of OI4K with a petition. Surprisingly, Jessicka Havok was first to sign. Unsurprisingly, it was all a ruse. Havok powered Miguel down to the canvas with a Death from Above Chokeslam to bring Trey’s efforts to a premature end. Adding insult to injury, Callihan stripped Miguel down to his skivvies before OI4K triumphantly left the ring. Damn, Trey! I hope you have a better plan in store for your rematch against Jake for the Rockstar Pro World Championship at VI!
Our first match was a singles contest between Ace Austin and “Crosshairs” Kelly. We’d only seen a small bit of Kelly in the ring prior to this, so the big man was eager to impress. Austin resorted to his card trickery and mind games early on, but Kelly was not impressed. “Crosshairs” used his power advantage as best he could, but Ace proved to be an elusive opponent. Austin juked and jived deftly around Kelly, getting in quick kicks at every opportunity. Ace flew toward Kelly at top speed to hit his massive opponent with The Fold. That was enough for the three count and another impressive victory for Ace Austin.
Up next, The Dirty (Austin Manix & Brandon Edwards) faced off against the pair of “Lost Girl” Samantha Heights and “Tattooed Metalhead Pit Bull” Hudson Envy in an intergender tag team contest. It was a heated battle of the sexes with neither side conceding in the slightest. Heights deftly used her smaller size to outmaneuver Edwards and Manix, while Envy went toe-to-toe and hit-for-hit against Detriot’s meanest tag team. The Dirty must have been hitting the gym hard, as they seem to look bigger every time they return to Rockstar Pro Arena. Samantha and Hudson showed a lot of skill and surprisingly sound teamwork throughout the match, but The Dirty turned things to their own advantage. With a mean Swansong to Envy, The Dirty picked up a big win and looked great doing it!
“Kinetic” Cole Radrick and Clayton “Gainz” Jackson were up next in one-on-one action. Radrick continued to try to shake off the stink of losing 0-4 to Nate Wings in their Best of Seven Series. He won his match last week, but could he do it again against the Gucci Gang’s muscle? Cole got in what offense he could with his well-established Headbutt plus an amazing Just One Yesterday that carried him 3/4 of the way across the ring, but Jackson proved too strong to stay down. The action quickly spilled outside the ring, as these two warriors tried to tear one another apart. Jackson utilized his power advantage to gain control and secured a victory with his Muscliest Musclebuster Ever. Yeah, Clay looked great. But he’s still a traitorous wag if you ask me.
“Hot Fiya” Myron Reed squared off against fellow high-flyer Nate Wings in more exciting singles action. The new blood of Rockstar Pro has gained a lot of followers in his short tenure at the arena, but Wings has been impressing wrestling fans since the very first match at Rockstar Pro Arena. Reed must’ve been watching a lot of classic episodes of The Simpsons lately, as his hair was Marge’s shade of blue. You could hear a pin drop after every impressive feat of agility from Wings because the Rockstar Nation refused to show him any love. It was a great contest between two fantastic athletes, but all good things must come to an end. Quicker than a nun’s first curry, Reed pinned Wings with a Backslide for the win. Wings couldn’t believe it, and the Rockstar Nation mocked him. Real classy, fans.
Bad Dudes (“Juggernaut” Jeremiah & “Everyone’s Homie” Pompano Joe) reunited to take on Night Ryderz (“The Baddest Man Alive” Aaron Williams & Dustin Rayz) in a tag team match. Joe had been a thorn in the Ryderz’s side for weeks, and now he had backup in the form of the two-time Rockstar Pro World Champion Jeremiah. Night Ryderz, however, came to the ring as confident as ever with the out-of-action Alex Colon in their corner. It was a brutal conflict. No quarter was requested or given as all four men pummeled each other with punishing kicks and punches. In the end, Rayz hit his Catalyst Driver on Pompano to pin Joe for the victory. Jeremiah, however, wasn’t finished with Aaron Williams. He mercilessly attacked Williams’ leg over and over as referees begged the “Juggernaut” to cease his assault. Jeremiah obviously wants an unfair advantage in his bout against “The BMA” at VI. An unimpressed Williams laughed maniacally, as a bemused Jeremiah sneered his way back to the locker room.
In the evening’s penultimate match The Foundation’s newest member “The Inspirational” Gregory Iron faced “The Chocolate Goddess” Joseline Navarro in her Rockstar Pro debut. Navarro looked good, showing a lot of enthusiasm and potential. Iron, on the other hand, had The Foundation’s leader “True Grit” Bruce Grey in his corner. It wasn’t long before Grey got in the official’s face and discreetly tossed a bag of freedom powder to Iron. Iron blasted Navarro in the face with the powder and deftly pinned her with a Schoolboy. Cheating is a skill in and of itself. Getting away with it unscathed is truly an art.
Our main event was scheduled to be a standard tag team match between the pair of “White Trash Messiah” Ron Mathis and “Not Even Worth a Brilliantly Creative and Insulting Nickname” Jon Murray and The Foundation (“Big Bear” Ben Boone & Pat the Bruiser). Mathis, however, spent the moments before the match politicking with principal owner CW Scott and managed to make it a No Disqualification “Jon Murray Pro Rules” match! Murray rolled a shopping cart full of hardcore plunder through the curtain, and the shit hit the fan. The sounds of Natural Born Killaz filled the arena as the four men brawled into the Rockstar Nation. There were baking sheet and chair shots aplenty, and Mathis and Murray took control early on. The competitors eventually fought their way back into the ring. Move after move was hit onto a pile of chairs with Mathis hitting a punished ATM Piledriver on Boone in what looked like the final move of the match. Bruce Grey, however, slipped into the squared-circle and nailed Mathis with a DDT to give his Foundation followers the win. That wasn’t enough for Brucey Jack though. He continued to assault Mathis verbally and physically while the Foundation held back all of Ron’s allies. It’s going to be an absolute war when Mathis and Grey meet in a Chillicothe Death Match at VI!
That’s it, turds. If you weren’t there you missed it. And now your life is meaningless. No bother though! You can catch it all by subscribing to Rockstarpronetwork.com for the low, low price of $5 a month. Alternatively, you could actually leave the house and watch some live wrestling. It’s a completely unique experience and a taste of one of the most popular and longest-lasting sports in the history of all world cultures. See what you’ve been missing! Until next time, I remain your Rockstar Pro color commentator and the Voice of Professional Wrestling.