Voice of Professional Wrestling (VI 2-2-18)

Well, we made it. Six years of the best independent wrestling around, and it all happened at Rockstar Pro Arena. VI was a celebration of all our wrestlers’ hard work, a validation of our DIY spirit, and a thank you to all the boobs and nitwits in the Rockstar Nation who made it all possible. VI started with a blast and ended in the most unbelievable fashion possible.

Our celebration began with a bout between “The Baddest Man Alive” Aaron Williams and “Juggernaut” Jeremiah. Williams had suffered abuse at the hands of Jeremiah for weeks, but he always managed to simply laugh off his attacker’s assaults. VI presented the three-time Rockstar Pro Champion a shot at payback. It was a hard-hitting match and a great way to kick off the show. Williams punished Jeremiah with an excellent Emerald Flowsion to earn the win and hopefully teach the “Juggernaut” to steer clear of all three Night Ryderz.

Next up, we had a Fatal Four-Way between “Lost Girl” Samantha Heights, Alvarado, Ace Austin, and Pompano Joe. Alvarado stepped up his game for this multi-competitor action, while Heights reminded everyone why she’s a Rockstar Nation favorite. Austin upped his so-called “magic” game, this time with a gigantic ace of spades under the ring apron. It’s not a trick! It’s an illusion. It was Pompano, however, who proved to be most ready for the occasion. He waited for both Alvarado and Austin to be down before hitting one of the most jaw-droppingly awesome Homey Drivers of his career on Samantha for the pinfall victory. At least one Bad Dude was up to the challenge!

Tag team action followed with the team of “The Man Who Ruined Wrestling” Jon Murray and “The Innovator of Violence” Tommy Dreamer versus The Foundation (Pat the Bruiser & “Big Bear” Ben Boone). Murray was just as awful as always, as he embarrassed himself before his legendary teammate. Pat performed at peak capacity. Also, Ben Boone is not a narc. Despite his partner’s incompetence, Dreamer deftly downed Boone with a Death Valley Driver to get the pin and the win. Think Murray’s team winning was the drizzling shits? Just you wait.

“Kinetic” Cole Radrick had a shot at vengeance and redemption after his humiliating 0-4 loss in a Best of Seven Series against the man who defeated him Nate Wings. Wings came in confident with nothing to lose, while Radrick made a desperate last grasp at reclaiming his manhood. Before the two competitors could even lock up a familiar tune filled the air. Larry D was back at Rockstar Pro! The massive monster declared this match to be a Triple Threat and proceeded to kick the ever-loving shit out of both Radrick and Wings! He made Wings take a flight he never wanted to board and brought “Kinetic” Cole to a dead stop. D crushed Radrick with a Swinging Flatliner to pin Cole and get revenge on at least one of the elite two men who defeated him at Rockstar Pro. Welcome back, Larry D! I’ll be sure to stay the hell out of your way.

The Trios Captain’s Championship was on the line when “The Havok Death Machine” Jessicka Havok defended her reign against “Too Swole to Control” Clayton Jackson. This was an incredible collision of two powerhouses that threatened to tear the house down. Both champion and challenger tested one another’s strength and stability by slamming into one another at top speed. It was a closely contested match with the advantage seesawing back and forth. In the blink of an eye, Jackson countered an attack by Havok to Roll-Up the Champion and become the new Trios Captain’s Champion! But which two men would he lead? Our next encountered resolved that dilemma.

Before the Trios Tag Team Championship match began, the champions OI4K hit the ring to make an announcement. It seemed Dave Crist aggravated an injury and could not compete, but the match would continue. His replacement was none other than Matt Riddle! With one king replacing another, OI4K (“Worldwide Desperado” Sami Callihan & “King of Bros” Matt Riddle) defended their titles against both Night Ryderz (Dustin Rayz & a triumphantly returning Alex Colon) and Team Tiger Blood (Maxwell Jacob Friedman & “Acey Baby” Ace Romero). Whichever team wins, they’ll have a new captain in Clayton “Gainz” Jackson! It was a compelling matchup that pitted decades of experience against wise-beyond-their-years young bloods in a savage battle for supremacy. Riddle in particular impressed everyone with killer MMA-style strikes. Relive it on Rockstarpronetwork.com. In the end, it looked like Callihan had MJF right where he wanted him. However, the recently crowned Trios Captain hit the right and bashed Sami in the back of the head with his shiny new title belt. MJF then flipped into a pin and the 1-2-3! Romero and Friedman are new Rockstar Pro Trios Tag Team Champions, and with Jackson as their captain Team Tiger Blood is complete! These three young men have made a statement and are determined to forever alter the landscape of Rockstar Pro.

The Crist brothers, Callihan, and “Iron Manager” JT Davidson hit the ring after intermission to thank the Rockstar Nation for their undying support. Impact Wrestling’s Eddie Edwards, however, was not having it. He went after Dayton’s hometown heroes with a kendo stick, taking out a number of our Rockstar wrestlers. OI4K wouldn’t have it and reclaimed their ring to the cheers and chants of all!

It was the evolution of the 450 Splash when “Hot Fiya” Myron Reed took on the living legend and innovator of high-flying 2 Cold Scorpio! The entire locker room was excited about this one, and Scorpio 100% lived up to the hype. The 52-year-old took young Myron to his limits. Reed got a taste of what Scorpio’s unsuspecting opponents lived through decades ago! The high-flyers went move-for-move in an incredibly close contest. Despite Reed’s best efforts, he just couldn’t maintain an advantage. 2 Cold finished Myron off by dropping a bomb on him with a Middle Rope Front Flip Leg Drop! The Nation expressed their adoration for a true legend of the ring, as Scorpio graciously accepted their applause.

In pro wrestling things can change in a moment. The mood changed quickly as we transitioned from an athletic generational challenge to a spite-fueled blood feud. Best friends turned bitter enemies would see red when “True Grit” Bruce Grey took on “White Trash Messiah” Ron Mathis in a Chillicothe Death Match. Grey got the jump on Mathis first, violently stabbing his former friend with a fork. As the death match veteran in this contest, Mathis took over and dropped Bruce through a board and chairs with a punishing Piledriver off the ring apron! There was a barbed wire board. There were tacks galore. It was a bloody mess. Mathis brought it to a brutal end with a Tombstone PIledriver into tacks that should finish this for good. Maybe now Mathis can get over it and leave The Foundation the hell alone!

Our main event of Rockstar Pro’s biggest event of the year saw Rockstar Pro World Champion “One Mean Hombre” Jake Crist defend the highest prize in Rockstar Pro against former champion “The Fresh Prince of Midair” Trey Miguel. Crist and Miguel went right at it with flying forearms until Crist broke up the exchange with a mean kick behind the ear. The Rockstar Pro World Champion took over, as the challenger struggled to stay on his feet. After questionable referee interference, Trey was able to take control. JT Davidson tried to cheat his way to a Crist win, but Miguel has friend in high-flying places. Myron Reed shocked the Nation by running out on the ring entrance and taking JT out with a perfect Flame On! Miguel then dropped Crist with a fantastic Slingblade! He crawled atop his opponent for one, two, and three to become a two-time Rockstar Pro World Champion! “The Fresh Prince of Midair” stood triumphant with the Rockstar Pro World Championship held high and Myron Reed by his side. Goodnight, everybody!

At least, that’s how VI should have ended.

Instead, the lights went out. Bells gonged. When the lights came on an obese creature of the night stood in the ring. “The Underfaker” Jon Murray hit both Miguel and Reed with tandem Chokeslams. That fat bastard handed the ref his Fanny Pack Championship and immediately challenged Trey for his World Championship. What a cosplaying coward! One Choke Bomb later Jon Murray was Rockstar Pro World Champion. It pained me to type it, and I still can’t believe it. No just god would allow this. No fair universe would let this travesty happen. Yet, here we are.

Nothing matters. Nobody will save the world. Jon Murray is World Champion, and nothing will ever be right again. I guess Rockstarpronetwork.com is still just five bucks a month. I’m the voice of pro wrestling or something. I dunno. The end.

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