Voice of Professional Wrestling (Amped 2-14-18)
Greetings, lonely hearts and rancid farts. It’s Bork again with another report of all of the action and most of the drama from Rockstar Pro’s weekly episode of Amped. It’s been a nightmarish week and a half for yours truly, but I’m hanging in there. If I’m thankful for anything, I suppose it’s that Jon Murray didn’t cosplay as Cupid on Valentine’s Day. That thought alone haunts my mind’s eye. Anyway, let’s do it to this.
The night began with a match I had hoped to see last week. “Worldwide Desperado” Sami Callihan challenged “The Luckiest Idiot on Earth” Jon Murray for the Rockstar Pro World Championship. The match began with the obese man in suspenders spitting beer into the face of the successful world-travelled athlete. Murray digitally penetrated Callihan and hit him with a Chokebomb before Team Tiger Blood’s Ace Romero and MJF interrupted the match to physically attack Sami. With the title match thrown out, Sami offered to team up with Murray against Team Tiger Blood in our main event. Ace and Max, I love you guys. But you idiots ruined Sami’s chance to save pro wrestling from Jon Murray!
Team Tiger Blood’s captain “Too Swole to Control” Clayton Jackson was unfairly forced to defend his Rockstar Pro Trios Captain’s Championship in a Mosh Pit Scramble. His opponents included “Lost Girl” Samantha Heights, Alvarado, Curt Stallion, Johnny Ruckus, Chainsaw King, “Bulletproof” Brandon Edwards, and “Cutthroat” Austin Manix. This bout contained all the action and insanity of Rockstar Pro’s signature match, with competitors flying everywhere in and around the ring. In the end Chainsaw took out both members of the Dirty. However, the wise Jackson chucked Chainsaw out of the ring and easily took the pinfall victory to retain his Trios Captain’s strap. Clayton could really go either way in this business. He just needs good friends and better guidance.
Ace Austin went one-on-one against “Big Daddy Ron” Ron Mathis in further singles competition. Ace tried a magic trick early on, but Mathis wasn’t having it and demanded that Austin take the match seriously. As one would expect, this matchup pitted power against speed. Both men proved resilient, as Mathis often shrugged off Ace’s accurate kicks and Austin refused to stay down after receiving Ron’s most brutal offense. Eventually, Mathis wore down Austin enough to get him in the Torture Rack. While Ace didn’t tap, he passed out from the pain to earn “Big Daddy Ron” the win. The victorious Mathis returned to the locker room leaving Ace in a heap on the canvas. “Legendary” Larry D’s music filled the air, and the big man entered the ring to further abuse young Ace.
As “Legendary” Larry D viciously attacked the defeated Austin, D’s opponent for the night came to Ace’s rescue. Brian Pillman II hit a beautiful Dropkick from the top turnbuckle to get this match started. Pillman is a big and strong athlete, but he was still dwarfed by Larry D. The young man put up a good fight, and the Rockstar Nation was entirely behind him. However, Larry D’s size, agility and experience paid off. He downed Pillman with a Swinging Flatliner to take the win, continue his domination over his targets, and once again remind the entirety of Rockstar Pro that we are on notice.
Brody King made his return to Rockstar Pro to take on “The Baddest Man Alive” Aaron Williams. This was truly a match between two heavy hitters. King and Williams absolutely leathered one another with clubbing blows and cracking kicks. There aren’t many in this business who can hang with “The BMA”, but King proved that he belongs in that select group. Williams had to try something different to keep the massive King down, climbing to the top turnbuckle and nailing a picture perfect Moonsault. Brody King left the match with a black eye and a bruised ego, but I have a strong feeling we haven’t seen the last of him at Rockstar Pro.
The Bad Dudes exploded when “Juggernaut” Jeremiah faced his former friend Pompano Joe. Relations between these two wrestlers broke down last week during an interview with JP. Pompano apparently thought they were cool, but Jeremiah threw his former friend to the curb. The pair brawled like only veritable brothers can. They thrashed one another outside the ring for sometime before their match actually began. Pompano broke out some impressive offense, but Jeremiah took control. The “Juggernaut” destroyed Joe with Ultimate Destruction for the pinfall victory. Congrats, Jeremiah! You now have no friends and no backup. Which unfortunate soul will be the next target of your uncontrollable rage?
“True Grit” Bruce Grey and the rest of The Foundation appeared so Grey could continue his bizarre State of the Foundation address. Bruce stood behind a podium outside the ring and rambled on and on about The Foundation being “just fine.” The rest of the group seemed to have had it with Bruce’s leadership, as both Pat the Bruiser and Ben Boone decked Grey in the face. The returning Gregory Iron suggested the group settle everything in a Triple Threat match, suggesting that both Pat and Ben lie down for their veteran. The big men disagreed, and a battle ensued. In the end, Ben and Pat knocked one another out by delivering simultaneous headbutts to each other. A loopy Iron fell on top of Boone to win the match. Grey then came to and DDTed everyone in his faction, all the while bellowing that, “It still works!” Grey is completely losing it, and it absolutely breaks my heart to witness his descent into delusion.
In a rematch from last week, “One Mean Hombre” Jake Crist hoped for a taste of vengeance against “Hot Fiya” Myron Reed. This is where I once again remind you to either come to Amped weekly, subscribe to Rockstarpronetwork.com for just $5 a month, or both! Where else are you going to see this kind of rivalry between established television stars and hungry young talents? Last week, Myron proved that he’s one of the elite few who can counter Jake’s Dragon Sleeper. This week, “Hot Fiya” wasn’t as fortunate. At the end of a competitive match, Myron climbed upon the turnbuckle. Crist caught a flying Reed in midair and turned into a Work of Art Backslide to pin Myron’s shoulders for the 1-2-3! What a match! This leaves these two at 1-1, and I have a feeling their shared pride won’t allow this pair of athletes to leave the score tied.
Our main event pitted Team Tiger Blood (“Ace Baby” Ace Romero & Maxwell Jacob Friedman) against the strangest tag team ever Sami Callihan and Jon Murray. This one immediately spilled outside the ring, as all four competitors brawled into the Rockstar Nation. Chairs, kendo sticks, and more were brandished as weapons when these four went to war. Some semblance of sanity was restored, and the action migrated back into the ring. In a move that surprised no one, Murray disrespected MJF’s hole with a Thumb in the Bum. The bumbling Rockstar Pro World Champion then drove that same, stinky thumb into Romero’s mouth. Callihan added injury to insult with a Superkick to Ace’s disgusted face. One Chokebomb from Murray later, and Team Tiger Blood lost. Dammit, guys! Sami could’ve defeated Murray in the opening match, but you made this happen instead! I’ll have to give these young ones a severe lecture on the virtue of patience. At least former Rockstar Pro World Champion “The Fresh Prince of Midair” Trey Miguel ended things on a high note! He attacked Murray after the match and blasted Callihan in the face with the World Championship belt. Miguel then challenged Murray for a rematch for that very prize at March’s Welcome to Awesometown!
It continues. Jon Murray is still Rockstar Pro World Champion, but at least his days are now numbered. On March 2nd at Welcome to Awesometown Miguel will destroy Murray’s hopes and dreams once and for all! Remember to catch us live every week at 1106 E. 3rd St. in Dayton and subscribe to Rockstarpronetwork.com for only five bones per month. Until next time, I forever suffer as your Rockstar Pro color commentator and the Voice of Professional Wrestling.