Voice of Professional Wrestling (Amped 2-21-18)

Well, you slapdash and slipshod simpletons, he still has the title. It’s weeks after Jon Murray ruined wrestling forever by becoming Rockstar Pro World Champion in a freak cosplaying accident, and he still has the title. One day someone will replace him as a truly worthwhile champion. Until that day my never-ending torment continues.

The evening began at a nadir with Jon Murray entering the ring. He prattled on about living in a party house known as “Awesometown” and made a tenuous connection to the Rockstar Pro Arena. In a move of monumental ignorance, Murray would put the Rockstar Pro World Championship on the line against any former champion. A confident Aaron Williams answered the call to set up our main event. Say goodbye to your title, fat boy!

The first match of the night pitted Rockstar Pro Trios Captain’s Champion Clayton “Gainz” Jackson against Johnny Ruckus, Nate Wings and Steve Manders in a Fatal Four-Way. Nate was clearly the odd man out, as he was competing against three quite large athletes. Manders used his football background to overpower and outmaneuver, while Ruckus recklessly threw his all into each strike. Wings employed speed and agility, but in the end it was all Jackson. Clay punished Johnny with a 3CC Spear for the pinfall win, and things are looking great for the Rockstar Pro Trios Captain’s Champion!

Poor Bruce Grey’s descent into madness continued with another State of The Foundation address. This time he was so confident in The Foundation’s solidarity that he arranged a match between “Big Bear” Ben Boon and Pat the Bruiser against so-called “young whippersnappers” Night Ryderz (Alex Colon & Dustin Rayz). Cooperation between Pat and Ben fell apart quickly, and the Ryderz soon took advantage of their opponents’ childish bickering. Colon and Rayz brought their usual bloodlust and violent demeanor, as they took out Boone with a nasty Ride of Death. Night Ryderz left the ring victoriously, while Grey DDTed everyone else in The Foundation. Just fine? Just fine!? Brucey, The Foundation is far from being just fine.

Our first one-on-one singles match of this Amped saw “Big Daddy Ron” Ron Mathis take on a returning Rob Killjoy. Killjoy went right after Mathis, as there was clearly no love lost between these two wrestlers. They had their share of brutal matches back when Ron and Jake teamed up against the Ugly Ducklings. Killjoy smartly focused his offense on Mathis’ left leg in an attempt to take out the strongman’s base. Ron, however, fought through the pain to gain an advantage. On just one leg, he lifted Killjoy onto his shoulders to win the match with a pogoing Torture Rack. What a match!

Pompano Joe faced “The Legendary” Larry D in an interesting clash of veterans. Pompano did his best to juke and jive around his much larger opponent, and the rugged veteran gave Larry a seriously legitimate challenge. In the end, we were reminded just how tough it is to keep Larry D down. He hoisted Pompano high into the air before hitting a mean Over-the-Shoulder Backbreaker to get the pin and the win. As D celebrated his victory, a wild Ace Austin appeared. Austin knocked Larry off of the entrance ramp and dove on top of him. Ace may feel like he had his revenge, but I have to imagine he’s only raised the ire of “The Legendary” one.

Women’s action followed between “Lost Girl” Samantha Heights and Roni “Big Bang” Nicole. Heights was outweighed and outmuscled by her competitor, plus Nicole had a good four years of merciless training in Tokyo under her belt. But the Rockstar Nation knows well to never prematurely count Heights out. Sam was able to counter much of Roni’s powerful attacks, staying just out of the reach of the “International Headhunter.” Heights whacked Nicole in the back of the head with a perfectly-placed D.T.F. to take the win. Impressive work, Samantha. Maybe you’re not an entirely horrible individual.

Former two-time Rockstar Pro World Champion “The Fresh Prince of Midair” Trey Miguel hit the ring with good friend “Hot Fiya” Myron Reed by his side. With their undying support for one another, these two showed they are the true definition of family. They challenged any pair in the back, and “One Mean Hombre” Jake Crist answered along with Brian Pillman II! What the hell is this young beast doing teaming up with a veteran? Crist and Pillman worked surprisingly well together, while Trey and Myron seemed to know one another incredibly well and teamed up like actual brothers. “Hot Fiya” and “The Fresh Prince of Midair” wisely focused most of their aggressions on the inexperienced Pillman. Reed and Miguel combined forces for an incredible Royal Torch on Pillman for a massive victory! Myron Reed and Jake Crist will meet again in a Tables Match at Welcome to Awesometown. Do. Not. Miss. This. Match!

The Rockstar Pro Trios Tag Team Championships were on the line when Team Tiger Blood (MJF & “Acey Baby” Ace Romero) defended against both the Gym Nasty Boys (“Mr. 8x10” Timmy Lou Retton & “The Sultan of Stank” White Mike) and The Dirty (“Bulletproof” Brandon Edwards & “Cutthroat” Austin Manix). The Gym Nasties were unsurprisingly preoccupied with innuendo and kissing, but that didn’t detract from their in-ring prowess. The Dirty brought the hurt, as they always do. Maxwell and Acey refused to give up their gold and did so by wrestling smarter rather than harder. A quick Schoolboy by MJF onto Edwards helped these amazing competitors retain their gold! Team Tiger Blood are looking unbeatable of late. I can’t wait to see what these young guns continue to bring to the Rockstar Pro Arena.

The main event saw #NotMyWorldChampion Jon Murray put his strap on the line against former three-time Rockstar Pro Champion “The Baddest Man Alive” Aaron Williams. Murray rolled around in the ring like an obese turtle in a vain attempt to upright itself. Williams, on the other hand, moved with grace and confidence. This was a surprisingly competitive match, while I was hoping for Williams to simply kick Murray into oblivion. Aaron climbed to the top turnbuckle, after which an extremely lucky Murray hit him with a Chokebomb to retain his goddamn title. Just how fortunate can “America’s Burden” get? Jon Murray will finally lose his title when he puts it on the line against the amazing Trey Miguel at Welcome to Awesometown! At least, that’s what I choose to believe.

Well, I thought it was a sure thing. On this rare occasion, I was incorrect. Jon Murray still holds the Rockstar Pro World Championship, and my living nightmare will not end. Don’t forget to catch us live every Wednesday for Amped and the first Friday of every month for our biggest events! You can also catch all the action by subscribing to Rockstarpronetwork.com for a mere $5 a month! Until next time, I remain your Rockstar Pro color commentator and the Voice of Professional Wrestling.

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