Okay, prolapses. Let’s get this over with. I’ve been dreading this since late Friday night. I have to write a recap of Rockstar Pro Wrestling’s Welcome to Awesometown, a stupidly-named wrestling show featuring the dumbest world champion in wrestling history. How’s that for setting the stage, meatus prodders?
The night began with Rockstar Pro’s signature match: a Mosh Pit Scramble! Competitors included “Kinetic” Cole Radrick, Pompano Joe, Killer Crew, “Cutthroat” Austin Manix, “Bulletproof” Brandon Edwards, Nate Wings, “Lost Girl” Samantha Heights and “Human GIF Machine” Dave Crist. This one was as fast and furious as any scramble, as every competing wrestler hoped to impress both management and the cretinous oafs in the Rockstar Nation. In the end, it was the veteran Crist who would come out on top. The “Human GIF Machine” dropped Wings with a picture-perfect Square & Compass to bring Dave the pin and the win. I could actually get behind this explosive start to the show! Little did I know what would come later.
Two powerhouses met in the ring as the living legend The Barbarian took on “Big Daddy Ron” Ron Mathis. Barbarian looked to be in incredible shape minus the nugget of shit in a cheap hat that followed him around throughout the match. Mathis was outweighed and gave up the experience advantage to the nearly 40 year veteran, but when the action spilled outside of the ring Mathis seemed right at home. Blistering chair shots and clubbing blows rained down from both men. The two brawled through the Rockstar Nation and back into the locker room. I don’t think either competitor even noticed that the official called for the double DQ!
Youth and agility took on experience and strength when Ace Austin faced “Legendary” Larry D. Austin raised the ire of D when he stood up to Larry’s bullying and proclaimed dominance. Larry beat the young man down on his birthday and hoped to add insult to injury at Welcome to Awesometown. Ace did his best to hang with Larry, but the odds were not in his favor. Austin took flight off of the top rope, but Larry D greeted him with a knockout punch right to the face! Three seconds later Larry D defeated Ace Austin yet again. I guess Larry D truly was dealt the better hand!
Triple Threat action was up next when The Foundation exploded! “True Grit” Bruce Grey faced “Big Bear” Ben Boone and Pat the Bruiser. Bruce still operated under the delusion that The Foundation was “just fine” while the other members of the group paced about the ring nervously. The Foundation was clearly not fine. These three had a lot of issues to work out, and it all happened in the ring. Prospect even got involved with this one, rocking Grey with a wild Stunnuw before realizing his mistake. Pat went for a massive Spear on Bruce, but The Foundation’s leader deftly sidestepped the attack. This cause the Bruiser to take out both Boone and Prospect #2 and gave Brucey Jack just the opening he desired. The DDT took down PTB for 1-2-3 and a Grey victory! Hopefully Bruce can collect his thoughts, put this Foundation business behind him, and come back to Amped even stronger than before.
The bad blood between “One Mean Hombre” Jake Crist and “Hot Fiya” Myron Reed boiled over when the two met in a Tables Match. Given the seemingly impossible task of delivering an even more competitive match than their prior contests, these two amazing athletes did not disappoint. They went blow for blow and counter for counter before the tables came into play. Unfortunately for young Myron, Jake made much better offensive use of the various tables positioned around the ring. At one point he even slammed “Hot Fiya” through two stacked tables and onto the concrete floor! In the end, Crist positioned Myron on the turnbuckle and delivered an absolutely jaw-dropping Tombstone Piledriver from on high through a table in the center of the ring! Great stuff! Myron may be beaten, but he’ll learn from this and come back even stronger.
Clayton “Gainz” Jackson took on the massive Moose in an exciting featured matchup. These two hosses really stepped up the physicality of the evening. The titans collided in tests of one another’s resolve and intestinal fortitude. Clay has been taking on monsters since the beginning of February, so he was well prepared for Moose’s muscle. the enormous Moose, however, had a secret weapon. Even after taking Clay’s awesome 3CC, Moose was able to deliver a crushing Spear of his own to take the win. Don’t take it too hard, Clay. You’re still Trios Captain’s Champion!
The Trios Tag Team Championships were on the line when Team Tiger Blood (MJF & Ace Romero) defended their titles against Night Ryderz (Dustin Rayz & Alex Colon). Tiger Blood have been dominant since arriving in Dayton not long ago, but they would face a significant challenge in Awesometown. This was exactly the sort of violent affair we’ve come to expect from Night Ryderz. Bodies flew all over the ring, as Rayz and Colon seemed 100% intent on walking away from the match with the titles. Romero was driven into the Nation after an over-the-top-rope dive from Colon that would prove to be the Ryderz’s undoing. An always clever Friedman pinned the unaware Rayz with a Schoolboy to retain Tiger Blood’s beautiful championships. Did he grab a handful of tights? Absolutely! This is the Trios division, and anything goes!
“Juggernaut” Jeremiah went toe-to-toe once more against “The Baddest Man Alive” Aaron Williams with special guest referee Jerry Lynn wearing the black and white! The action was great with lots of hard-hitting kicks and punches. Lynn’s officiating was fairly even, but the “Juggernaut” felt he was getting the short end of the stick. Jeremiah had some words for Lynn, but a quick-thinking Williams jumped into action. “The BMA” pinned Jeremiah’s shoulders to the canvas with a quick Roll-Up to once again hand the “Juggernaut” an embarrassing defeat.
Okay. Here we go. Main event. “Fattest Man in the Room” Jon Murray defended the Rockstar Pro World Championship against the incredible “Fresh Prince of Midair” Trey Miguel. Trey showed his hunger for competition and desire to be the best by immediately going after his rotund opponent. He and Murray brawled in and around the ring well before the bell ever rang. The two even took out three referees as they thrashed wildly at one another! After the third ref went down, temporary official Jerry Lynn slid into the ring and called for the bell to signal the match’s start. He happened to do so right when a lucky Murray delivered a Chokebomb to Trey. For the shitting pinfall win.
FOUR FUCKING SECONDS!
Jerry Lynn was a special guest scheduled to officiate an entirely different contest! He had no right to get involved in the World Championship match! This decision should not stand! GOD DAMMIT!
You have no idea the level of psychological torment Jon Murray has put me through. I can’t even write this anymore. Subscribe to Rockstarpronetwork.com or whatever. I’m the Voice of Professional Wrestling. The end.