Voice of Professional Wrestling (Amped 3-7-18)
Somehow, someway it continues. My living nightmare of a world in which a man like Jon Murray can be a champion persists. It’s 2018, so I guess anything can happen. Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling. Forty years of darkness. Earthquakes, volcanoes. The dead rising from the grave. Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria! Dammit. I’m surviving this dystopian hellscape, but just barely.
Wednesday was day 33 of #NotMyWorldChampion Jon Murray’s title reign, so of course the night began with that bottle-headed dump lump in the ring. He talked about the unlikelihood of his championship reign. No shit, Sherlock! He talked about how he expected some asshole to interrupt him and lay down a challenge for his title belt. Right on cue, Jeremiah entered the ring. Instead of saying anything he delivered a Baddest Kick in the World to Murray’s fat face and cast a coveting stare at the green and gold. It seems the “Juggernaut” seeks a perceived easy shot at becoming World Champion for the third time.
Our first contest saw the dancing veteran of the ring Pompano Joe take on the man the Rockstar Nation refuses to respect Nate Wings in a singles match. These two had a terrific match that proved to any doubters exactly how they’ve earned and kept their spots on the Rockstar Pro roster. Wings displayed his envied versatility, while Pompano showed that he still has plenty of tricks up his sleeve. The match ended in truly spectacular fashion. Nate leapt high into the air in an attempted Reverse Rana, but Joe managed to muscle against the momentum and hit the most impressive Homey Driver I have ever seen! Three seconds later, Joe celebrated a victory. Then, that weirdo from last week came out from under the ring to dance with Pompano again. As quickly as this freak appeared, he again disappeared under the ring.
“Hot Fiya” Myron Reed faced “Kinetic” Cole Radrick in head-to-head action in our next contest. Reed was hot-headed following his loss to Jake Crist in a Tables Match at Welcome to Awesometown, while Radrick was his typical bizarre self. Fortunately for Myron, he had family in his corner in the personage of Trey Miguel. The two young athletes put on a highly competitive, quick-paced contest that left the Rockstar Nation in awe. Radrick went for Just One Yesterday, but a clever Miguel pulled the ropes out from under him. Cole crashed hard on the mat as his momentum worked against him. This handed Myron and easy pin and an easy win. Nice work looking out for your fam, Trey!
A Fatal Four-Way followed between “Legendary” Larry D, “Former Iowa Hawkeye” Steve Manders, Ace Austin and “Gifted” Chase Holiday. All four men gave their best, but there could only ever be one winner. Holiday decided to attack D from the air, but Larry saw it coming and delivered a splintering Knockout Punch to Holiday’s jaw. That’s another win for Larry D! When is the rest of the Rockstar Pro locker room going to learn just to stay out of his way?
“True Grit” Bruce Grey hit the ring in his most denim ensemble ever to discuss the fallout from his match at Welcome to Awesometown. Grey put it all out there. The Foundation is dead! He announced that he was finally ready to move on to bigger things and better opportunities. He called out two old friends to join him in this new venture. Brucey Jack was then joined by “Secretary of Defense “ Mr. Boone and “Secretary of Offense” Mr. Bruise, both of whom I’m certain will follow his lead. Say hello to The Administration! It’s great to see Grey back in control of his mental faculties and looking forward to a brave new world.
Generations clashed when “The Fresh Prince of Midair” Trey Miguel took on “Big Daddy Ron” Ron Mathis. Fortunately for Trey, his closest friend and brother Myron Reed was by his side. I can’t say the same for Mathis, as his good buddy Jon Murray was nowhere to be seen during this contest. The so-called World Champion was probably getting drunk in the locker room. Trey went for his usual high-octane, fast-paced offense while Mathis relied on strength and veteran know-how. Reed played a great corner man and managed to get in Ron’s head on occasion. Miguel was able to avoid Mathis’ most dangerous submission hold for most of the contest, but when “Big Daddy Ron” finally locked in the Torture Rack Trey showed his true skill in the ring. In one swift movement, Miguel deftly grabbed the official’s shirt and threw him into the ring ropes while raking Mathis’ eyes with his fingers. Miguel immediately pinned a blinded Mathis with a bit of additional leverage from the ropes to grab hold of a victory from the jaws of defeat!
The Night Ryderz (Dustin Rayz & Alex Colon) squared off against 2/3 of the Rockstar Pro Trios Champions in Team Tiger Blood (“Too Swole to Control” Clayton Gainz & “Acey Baby” Ace Romero) in a non-title contest. It was a rough and rugged conflict between some truly heavy hitters. All four men thew clubbing blows with intent to maim. It seemed the Ryderz would hit the infamous Ride of Death on Clay, but Romero had their finisher scouted. “Acey Baby” positioned himself behind Rayz and lured Colon to him. Romero chucked Colon into a corner, but an aggressive Dustin stayed on target. Rayz Irish Whipped Ace into the turnbuckle. Unfortunately for the Night Ryderz, it was the same corner where a dazed Alex attempted to regain his senses. Romero absolutely flattened Colon! A quick thinking Clay immediately Rolled-up the shocked Dustin Rayz for the win!
Our main event pitted the biggest asshole at Rockstar Pro “Juggernaut” Jeremiah against the returning luchador Aeroboy! Before this one could get started, an inebriated Jon Murray appeared and declared that the match be contested under Jon Murray Pro Rules. CW Scott actually allowed this! What the hell is going on with this company? Anyway, these two competitors most recently faced off back at last summer’s Tournament of Flight. Aeroboy defeated Jeremiah to go on to the finals, and Jeremiah wanted some revenge. It was a fast-paced, brutal affair with daring dives and punishing punches. Jeremiah nearly broke Aeroboy’s back with a Pop-up Powerbomb on the ring apron, but the luchador fought on! The match ended in an instant when Aeroboy countered a Clothesline from Jeremiah into an Armbar submission. Jeremiah tapped out! So the fattest asshole in the company outwitted the biggest asshole in the company, and the non-asshole Aeroboy came out on top! That’s as clear as I can make it.
From Trey Miguel and Myron Reed to Clayton Gainz and Ace Romero, the youngest talents at Rockstar Pro are more and more impressive each and every week! Meanwhile, a beer-drenched Jon Murray said some stuff and changed the rules of the main event. And I endured. Be sure to catch all the action live and in-person every Wednesday or by subscribing to Rockstarpronetwork.com for just five bones per month! Until next time, I remain your Rockstar Pro color commentator and the Voice of Professional wrestling.