Hey there, slapstick slasher casualties! Rockstar Pro’s Spring Break: Friday the 13th is just hours away, and the anticipation is building. My hope is that Jason will burst forth from beneath the canvas and drag Jon Murray straight to hell. I know it’s a long shot, but this is pro wrestling. Anything can happen! Anyway, let’s get to this week’s Amped.
JP kicked off the show in the most horrific way possible by inviting the inexplicable Rockstar Pro World Champion Jon Murray to the ring. Before a single word could escape Murray’s fat mouth, he was attacked by both Jeremiah and Clayton Gainz. The two put the boots to Murray until “Lost Girl” Samantha Heights came to the obese champion’s aid with an aerial attack. Heights would face Jeremiah in singles competition later in the night, while Gainz would go muscle-to-flab against Murray in a non-title battle of champions as our main event.
“Everyone’s Homey” Pompano Joe took on “Lights... Camera...” Jaxon Stone in singles competition. Before the match could begin, Joe called out the dancing weirdos from under the ring for an unusual confrontation. After quickly dispatching the freaks, Pompano turned his aggression to Stone. Jaxon proved to be a tough competitor, using his strength advantage to overpower the dancing veteran. Joe is one crafty wrestler, and he turned it around at just the right moment. He pinned Jaxon after an impressive Homey Driver for the win. Pompano will face Cole Radrick at Spring Break in what could be one bizarre confrontation.
Up next, we had a Fatal Four Way between “Acey Baby” Ace Romero, the returning “Bare Knuckle Berzerker” Lord Crewe, the debuting Thomas Extreme, and the debuting Utamaro. This match offered further proof that the best wrestlers in the world will travel across the globe for a chance to make an impact at Rockstar Pro! This was a hard-hitting contest that pushed all four competitors to their limits. In the end, it was Romero who came out on top even though he seemed to have forgotten his wrestling gear. He hit Extreme with an Uranage Slam immediately followed by a Senton for the pin and the win. “Acey Baby” is definitely on a role despite the fact that his Team Tiger Blood partner MJF hasn’t been seen in Dayton for weeks!
Following that we had a singles match between The President of The Administration “True Grit” Bruce Grey and the Rockstar Pro day one original Nate Wings. If you’ve never seen a man wrestle while wearing a three-piece denim suit, you don’t know what you’re missing. Nate used his speed and aerial offense to his benefit, while Grey relied on his old-school mentality. Both of these competitors are known to bend the rules, and this match proved to be no exception. Grey and Wings poked one another in the eyes at the exact same moment, but it was Brucey Jack who would gain the advantage. He blindly hit Wings with his signature DDT to secure a victory. Grey then forecasted victory for The Administration in their Trios rules match against Suge D and the Gym Nasty Boys at Spring Break.
The unlikely duo of “Hot Fiya” Myron Reed and “4-Loc” Cole Radrick took on Night Ryderz (Alex Colon & Dustin Rayz) in tag action. It was an exciting contest, but Myron and Cole simply don’t have the bond the Ryderz have formed over their tenure as a tag team. Reed and Radrick fought valiantly, but the Ryderz bring the violence like nobody else. The Ryderz took the win with a cruel Ride of Death on Cole, but that wasn’t enough for the black-clad brawlers. After chucking Myron to the floor, Rayz dropped Cole on his dome with three Catalyst Drivers! Not to be outdone, Colon blasted Radrick with two Double Stomps from the top turnbuckle! I have never before felt such sympathy for Cole Radrick! His brain must be soup by now. At Spring Break the Rockstar Pro Trios Captain’s Champion Alex Colon faces “The Extreme Luchador” Super Crazy while Rayz will team with Clayton Gainz as Rockstar Pro Trios Tag Team Champions to defend their titles against The Dirty.
More tag team action followed when the Gym Nasty Boys (White Mike & Timmy Lou Retton) faced The Administration (Mr. Bruise & Mr. Boone). As Mr. Boone patted down Timmy Lou, he came across the disgusting Sticky Mitten. There would be no such shenanigans with The Administration in the ring! The Administration threw their weight around, but the Gym Nasties proved to be surprisingly resilient. Timmy Lou brought the gym, and White Mike brought the nasty. The two combined forces to hit a Backeotomy on Boone to secure the victory and some momentum going into Spring Break.
In an intriguing singles contest with a whole lot of history, “Destroyer” Jeremiah went one-on-one with “Lost Girl” Samantha Heights. It was an amazing match with Sam breaking out new trick after new trick, as she brought Jeremiah something he’d never faced before. Be sure to subscribe to Rockstarpronetwork.com for just five bones a month to catch this one in all its glory. In the end, it was Jeremiah who would come out on top. He punished Sam with a devastating Powerbomb that folded his diminutive opponent in half. Three seconds later, Jeremiah had the pin and the win. What a disgusting human being!
Next up, Larry D entered the ring with an unconscious Ron Mathis slung over his shoulder. He dumped Mathis into the ring and mocked him with the question, “You want another match now?” Apparently that’s exactly what Mathis wanted, as a ref slid into the ring and this one got underway. Mathis did his best to stay on his feet and displayed some incredible resiliency. He even went for his patented ATM Piledriver at one point. Alas, it was not to be. “Legendary” Larry D downed Mathis with three Knockout Punches to the face. The official had no choice but to call the match. What the hell is wrong with Ron Mathis? Face the truth, Ron! You can’t beat Larry D!
Our main event pitted Rockstar Pro Trios Tag Team Champion Clayton Gainz against Rockstar Pro Wold Champion “Human Garbage” Jon Murray in a non-title match. Clay denied Murray a fan-thrown beer, preaching the virtues of his pre-workout beverage all the while. Of course, Murray’s retort was a god damned Thumb in the Bum. Before the match concluded, Jeremiah hit the ring and attacked Jon Murray. This action opened the floodgates, as the entire locker room cleared out and a massive brawl ensued. The night ended in pure chaos with fighting all around the ring and Jeremiah absconding with the Rockstar Pro World Championship in tow.
At Spring Break we’ll see that fat asshole Jon Murray defend the Rockstar Pro World Championship against that slimeball Jeremiah. Whoever wins, we lose. Join us to witness mankind’s downfall. And don’t forget you can see it all by subscribing to Rockstarpronetwork.com for just five bucks a month. Until next time, I remain your Rockstar Pro color commentator and the Voice of Professional Wrestling.