Voice of Professional Wrestling (Amped 4-25-18)
Jon Murray’s stupidest title reign in the history of pro wrestling continues despite my hopes and dreams. I’ve all but lost hope, but wrestling always brings new opportunities. The Gem City Slam is just around the corner, and with it comes the Gem City Rumble. The winner gets a shot at any championship in Rockstar Pro. That means if somehow Jeremiah can’t defeat Murray in a ladder match, someone else will get the chance to dethrone the idiot World Champ. Fingers crossed.
The evening’s events began with a Three-Way Dance between Nate Wings, Utamaro, and half of the former Rockstar Pro Tag Team Champion Ugly Ducklings Rob Killjoy! All three competitors brought their best game to this one, and the Rockstar Nation whooped it up in appreciation. They each focused their efforts on both opponents, giving little time for anyone to catch their breath. In a split-second move, Utamaro nailed Killjoy with his Spike DDT. Unfortunately for the Tokyo grappler, Nate Wings slid in and chucked Utamaro out of the ring to steal the pin and take the win!
Next, the entire Rockstar Nation rose to their feet when The President of The Administration “True Grit” Bruce Grey addressed the unwashed masses. He reminded the nation of the sexual chicanery perpetrated by the Gym Nasty Boys and Suge D and made a prediction about the Gem City Rumble. Grey foresaw a huge victory for The Administration no matter their assigned numbers. I, for one, can’t find any fault in his logic. Trust in The Administration!
Next up was our first of two preview matches between the Rockstar Pro Trios Tag Team Champions and a duo known as Firearms. It was the “Fresh Prince of Midair” Trey Miguel going one-on-one against Dustin Rayz of the Night Ryderz. This was a fast-paced, hard-hitting conflict that kept the Nation on the edge of their seats. Rayz relied on his explosive power and in-ring knowhow, while Miguel employed precise strikes and lightning quick reflexes. Rayz violently heaved Trey into the ropes, but Trey bounced right back into an athletic pin and kept Rayz down for the 1-2-3! A handful of tights always helps, especially if the ref doesn’t see it! Trey gave Firearms an early lead, would Myron seal the deal later in the night?
Another Mosh Pit Scramble thrilled everyone in attendance, as these multi-competitor matches always do. This one featured the likes of “The Last Incan Warrior” Rayo, Dante Caballero, “Light-Skinned Magic” Trix, “Bare Knuckled Berserker” Lord Crewe, “Acey Baby” Ace Romero, Cole Radrick, and The Dirty’s “Cutthroat” Austin Manix. Bodies flew all around the ring, sometimes self-propelled and sometimes not. Caballero and Trix did their best to impress in their debut match, while Crewe and Manix looked incredibly comfortable busting skulls. The concussed Radrick (who still thinks he’s Mario) lost all his extra lives in one single punch from Romero. “Acey Baby” has dominated Scrambles of late, and this one was no exception. He hit Crewe with his Uranage Slam followed immediately by a Senton to take the pinfall victory. If I ever saw Romero in the same pit as me, I’d change my taste in music.
The Administration (“Executive Secretary of Defense” Mr. Boone & “Executive Secretary of Offense” Mr. Bruise) faced the Gym Nasty Boys (“Dr. Neck” White Mike & Timmy “Yam Yam” Retton) in tag team action. It was a great contest, and The Administration did their fearless leader proud. White Mike threatened the safety of everyone in the building with a cardboard box he called a bomb. It turned out he only farted in the box... yup. In the end it was the Nasties who worked together and blasted Boone with a brutal Backeotomy. Just because the Gym Nasty Boys won, that doesn’t indicate any dysfunction in The Administration. No chaos!
Upset with their loss, Boone and Bruise swiped Announcer JP’s mic to verbally tear into the Rockstar Nation. Fortunately, that may have saved us from several minutes of dad jokes. Unfortunately, this raised the ire of Ron Mathis. Mathis taunted The Administration before turning his words toward Larry D. “Pure Trash” explained the stipulations he and D would face at the Gem City Slam. It’s going to be a Three Stages of Hell Match, and here’s how it’ll play out. Stage One will be a Chain Match, Stage Two will be a Submission Match, and Stage Three will be decided by the Rockstar Nation. Will it be a Thumbtacks Match, a Fans Bring the Weapons Match, or something much, much stupider?
Next up, it was “Hot Fiya” Myron Reed versus “Too Swole to Control” Clayton Gainz. Furious fire collided with pulverizing power in a match that entirely captivated this commentator. Both men showed why they deserve to be on everyone’s list of best wrestlers in the world today. Do you need another reason to subscribe to Rockstarpronetwork.com? This match is it. A quick Jackknife pin caught Gainz unaware, and Reed took yet another victory for Firearms! Will it be a similar result when Reed and Miguel challenge Rayz and Gainz for the Rockstar Pro Trios Tag Team Championships at the Gem City Slam?
Our main event was a tag team match contested under Jon Murray Pro Rules. “Professional Shit Show” Jon Murray teamed with “Everyone’s Homey” Pompano Joe to take on the unlikely pairing of “Juggernaut” Jeremiah and our Junior Official P.D. Barton. This was just as ridiculous as it sounds. As it was Murray’s own ruleset, just about anything was fair game. Jeremiah and Barton produced a briefcase (that was conveniently loaded with a brick) and clobbered both Joe and the Murray in their big, dumb heads. Barton then pinned the Rockstar Pro World Champion for the win. Yup! Jon Murray lost a non-title match to a referee.
There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Your Rockstar Pro World Champion is such a wiener he can’t even defeat an official! Whoever winds up winning the Gem City Rumble gets a gift-wrapped package, unless Jeremiah beats Murray in the Ladder Match. That would be an all new kind of hell. Nevertheless, catch all the action live or by subscribing to Rockstarpronetwork.com for just five clams every month. Until next time, I remain your Rockstar Pro color commentator and the Voice of Professional Wrestling.