Welcome back, frumpy dumpers! It’s Bork with another recap of Rockstar Pro’s weekly Wednesday night wrestling extravaganza Amped. We’re gearing up for another amazing show, but before we get to that I have to cover what happened last time. It’s my burden, and I bear it with a quiet dignity and grace. Now let’s do it to it, shitlordes!
Rockstar Pro day one original Nate Wings took on a man twice his size in “The Bare Knuckled Berserker” Lord Crewe in our opening contest. Crewe looked to gain the early advantage against the 135 pounder, but Wings is a crafty competitor. Nate ducked and dodged his way around Crewe, getting in a few shots when he could in an attempt to topple the giant Redwood. Crewe significantly changed the complexion of the match when he planted his massive foot in Wings’ face with a Pump Kick that turned Nate inside out. Crewe lifted Wings high into the air in an attempt to deliver a crushing Powerbomb, but Wings wriggled his way into a brilliant reversal to pin Crewe for the 1-2-3 and the win! Sure, he had a handful of tights. But who cares? Wings now has a huge victory against one of Rockstar Pro’s freshest faces!
“True Grit” Bruce Grey and the rest of The Administration graced us with their presence so Grey could finally talk about the barricade. Grey reminded us that his approval ratings are the highest they’ve ever been at Rockstar Pro before he was interrupted by an irate Clayton Gainz. Ah, the impetuousness of youth! Clay was upset about the way that Grey defeated him in the previous week’s tournament for the Rockstar Pro Trios Captain’s Championship and demanded an immediate rematch. Grey replied as any good leader would. Clay would have to beat the rest of The Administration before he could get his hands on Brucey Jack again.
That set up our second match in which “Too Swole to Control” Clayton Gainz faced “Executive Secretary of Defense” Mr. Boone. Grey did his best to distract the official when necessary to give his man the advantage. Unfortunately for The Administration, it didn’t work out as planned. While the referee was busy chastising Grey, Gainz spit a mouthful of pre-workout in Boone’s face, delivered a swift kick to the dick, and drove his skull into the mat with a DDT for the win! What a victory for Clayton Gainz! He’s now one step closer to getting a measure of revenge against Grey. Gainz and Grey are both so great I don’t know which one I’d cheer on if they ever meet again.
As The Administration aided Mr. Boone, The Dirty’s music rang out and “Cutthroat” Austin Manix hit the ring. JP informed us that the next match would be Manix versus “Executive Secretary of Offense” Mr. Bruise. While Manix’s arrival temporarily caught members of The Administration unaware, the group banded together during the match to develop a game plan. Manix put up a great fight, bringing a strong offense as his best defense against the “Executive Secretary of Offense.” Whew. Despite Austin’s hard-hitting attacks, The Administration had a numerical advantage. Mr. Boone hopped up on the ring apron to capture the official’s attention while Grey slid in to drop Manix with a DDT. All Mr. Bruise had to do was lie down atop Manix for a pinfall victory! 1-1 isn’t a bad record for a single night’s work.
Tension filled the air when “Pizza Cole” Cole Radrick entered the ring to engage in combat with “The Human GIF Machine” Dave Crist. Crist was in great form at this high point in his career, while Radrick held his own despite suffering from multiple head injuries over the past several weeks. This match delivered exactly what wrestling fans want these days: real passion and fighting spirit in a hard-hitting, high impact confrontation. Dave even hit the Square & Compass, but Cole would not relent! In a rare moment of acuity, Cole pinned Dave’s shoulders to the canvas with a Small Package. The referee hesitantly counted three, and Cole actually won! Following the official’s uncertainty and the controversial ending, Dave grabbed the mic and challenged Cole to another one-on-one contest next week on Amped! I can’t wait to see what happens when these two Rockstar Nation favorites next collide in the ring!
The Trios Captain’s Championship was on the line, as “The Catalyst” Dustin Rayz defended against challenger “Stupid Sexy” Ace Austin. Ace brought his usual intensity and seemed keenly focused on walking away with his first championship in Rockstar Pro, but Rayz would not lie down for this challenger or anybody! It was an evenly matched bout, but Rayz took the advantage and refused to give it up. Dustin dumped Austin on his head with a Catalyst Driver and retained his Rockstar Pro Trios Captain’s Championship to end a highly competitive match. The captain then ordered the Rockstar Pro Trios Tag Team Champions to the ring. He declared that they would defend their titles against not one but two tag teams, and it would all happen next!
With that, Firearms (“Fresh Prince of Midair” Trey Miguel & “Hot Fiya” Myron Reed) had to defend their Trios Tag Team Championships against both Smoothie Kings (“Special Dark” Suge D & Pompano Joe) and Gym Nasty Boys (“Dr. Neck” White Mike & Timmy “Yam Yam” Retton)! What an injustice! But as Trios Captain’s Champion, Rayz has the prerogative to force the Trios Tag Team Champions to defend their titles at his pleasure. Such is life. It was a chaotic confrontation that thrilled the Rockstar Nation. There was plenty of gyrating and dancing and general greasiness from both challenging teams, while Trey and Myron remained incredibly professional throughout the contest. When Mike and Timmy nailed Suge with the Backeotomy it seemed we would have new champions! However, Myron flew from the top turnbuckle to crush Mike and Timmy as they covered Suge so Trey could smoothly slide in and fold Suge up for the pinfall win. Firearms remain your Trios Tag Team Champions despite the demands of Dustin Rayz!
Our main event was a big one! “Acey Baby” Ace Romero faced “Pure Trash” Ron Mathis in a first time ever meeting. Ace had kicked ass in Mosh Pit Scrambles. He faced some of the greatest young talents in pro wrestling today against the likes of Myron Reed and Zachary Wentz. Romero had never faced a Rockstar Pro grand slam champion until stepping into the ring to face Ron Mathis. This was an incredible matchup that you have to witness on Rockstarpronetwork.com to truly appreciate. Mathis brilliantly worked Ace’s left leg and back and even hit the big man with a Sunset Flip Powerbomb! Ace just wouldn’t stay down. Romero took the win with his impressive combo of a Uranage Slam followed immediately with a Back Senton Splash to defeat one of the winningest Rockstar Pros in the company’s history! As Ace’s hand was held high, Rockstar Pro World Champion “Shit Frisbee” Jon Murray hit the ring. He said he would not be intimidated by Romero. Murray claimed to fear only losing his title but that no wrestler could scare him. What a liar! Murray must be intimidated by Romero. “Acey Baby” is everything the “Professional Athlete” should be!
There you have it. Another successful week of great wrestling at Rockstar Pro. Be sure to catch up on all the goodness at Rockstarpronetowrk.com, and get ready for the Tournament of Fight. It’s just around the corner! Until next time, I remain your Rockstar Pro color commentator and the Voice of Professional Wrestling.