Well, rat smackers, it’s time to do this once again. The Tournament of Fight is done and dusted, but we’re still rocking and rolling at Rockstar Pro. The competition is more high-flying, hard-hitting and extreme than ever before as we rocket toward the hot summer nights and July’s Blacktop Battle!
Our first match was over before it even began. Announcer JP called out the first competitor, and Crash Jaxon hit the ring eager for a singles match. Before his opponent could be announced, the winner of the inaugural Tournament of Fight “Legendary” Larry D stomped into the ring and began to mercilessly obliterate Jaxon. He clocked him in the face. He threw him around the ring. D simply stomped a mud hole into Crash and finished him off with a KO Punch. Crash was declared to be in no condition to fight, and the match was called off. It seems that winning the tournament hasn’t sated Larry D’s appetite for destruction! The entire Rockstar Pro locker room remains on notice.
Triple Threat action followed between “Lost Girl” Samantha Heights, Pompano Joe, and “The KLD” Kevin Lee Davidson. Three more different wrestlers simply could not be assembled in one place. Heights used her speed and wits, Pompano relied upon his veteran instincts and know-how, while KLD brought pure power and a mean streak a mile long. In an amazing feat of strength, Joe lifted up KLD and brought him crashing down to the mat with a massive Homey Driver! It was an impressive feat and a well-deserved victory for that dancing weirdo Pompano Joe.
“Special Dark” Suge D and “Bare Knuckle Berserker” Lord Crewe faced off next in a singles contest. These two competitors sport wildly differing personalities, but they both brought the fight on a Wednesday night! Suge D left the antics of Manage-a-Three behind and focused his amazing athletic ability without White Mike and Timmy there to distract him with their perversions. Crewe also seemed focused and punished D with nasty strikes, punches and kicks. Eventually, Suge D wrapped up Crewe’s arms and dumped him right on the top of his head to secure the pinfall victory. Suge D remains a serious threat at Rockstar Pro!
Two young warriors clashed when Ace Austin took on “Too Swole to Control” Clayton Gainz. Ace ran around with a lot of vigor and even deftly delivered some kicks on more than one occasion. Clay, on the other hand, relied on his massive power advantage. Ace resorted to his old tricks in an attempt to mess with Clay’s head. He somehow planted an ace of spades in Gainz’s pre-workout drink. What the hell, Ace? That’s just creepy! Gainz impressed all in attendance with his patented Muscliest Musclebuster Ever for a huge win! You’re the man, Clay! Just leave Brucey Jack alone, please.
“The Human GIF Machine” Dave Crist Went one-on-one with a day one original Nate Wings in the next matchup. Early on, the action spilled outside of the ring. This gave Nate a chance to spray something from an aerosol can into Dave’s eyes, essentially blinding Dave for the duration of the match. This put Crist on the defensive, as Nate went to work with his high-flying offense. Dave fought hard and gained an advantage in more than one instance, but winning while blind is never easy. Nate targeted every man’s weak spot with a Low Blow to the blinded Crist and clocked him in the face with a foreign object that I couldn’t identify. With that, Nate Wings defeated Dave Crist! Sure, he cheated. But the ref didn’t catch him. The record books will show that Nate Wings defeated “The Human GIF Machine”!
Two former Rockstar Pro World Champions collided as “Juggernaut” Jeremiah faced “Pure Trash” Ron Mathis. It was a colossal confrontation between two true warriors! Mathis attacked like a wild animal, using his own ring gear as weapons to the objections of Jeremiah’s favorite official P.D. Barton. Mathis was essentially fighting a handicap match, as Barton was there as Jeremiah’s insurance policy throughout the entire match. In the end, Jeremiah locked in the Guillotine Choke on Mathis and had “Pure Trash” trapped in the middle of the ring. Just like that Jeremiah defeated Mathis via submission! What a match!
All three of the Rockstar Pro Trios Championships were on the line when Trios Captain’s Champion Dustin Rayz and Trios Tag Team Champions Firearms (“Fresh Prince of Midair” Trey Miguel & “Hot Fiya” Myron Reed) defended against The Administration (“True Grit” Bruce Grey, “Executive Secretary of Defense” Mr. Boone & “Executive Secretary of Offense” Mr. Bruise). All six men put on a spectacular showing, with Myron and Trey in particular displaying their fast-paced, high-flying offense that brought them the championships to begin with. Clayton Gainz then slid into the ring and kicked Grey right in the dick before delivering a DDT of his own. Of course, such a move has no effect on the Master and Ruler of the DDT. It did, however, distract and demoralize Grey enough for Rayz to hit him with the Catalyst Driver! Just like that it was over, and the champions all retained their titles. I’m happy for Trey and Myron. I just wish Clay and Bruce could see eye-to-eye.
Our main event presented a rematch from the Tournament of Fight. Rockstar Pro World Champion “Wolf Tits” Jon Murray defended against “Acey Baby” Ace Romero in a Boards Match! Acey brought the heat, Spearing Murray into a board right from the start. Murray got a measure of revenge by forcing Romero through a table at ringside. It was pure bedlam! Ace hit Murray with the Uranage Slam/Senton, but Murray kicked out! Murray hit Acey with the Choke Bomb, but Romero kicked out! It seemed these two big men would fight to the point of complete and utter exhaustion. They would, that is, if they actually had the chance. Instead, Larry D hit the ring and brutally slammed both weary combatants through boards. This rendered both Murray and Romero unable to continue, and the championship match was declared a no contest.
Immediately following the main event, Rockstar Pro made the official announcement. Both “Legendary” Larry D and “Acey Baby” Ace Romero will face “The Fart That Came to Life” Jon Murray for the Rockstar Pro World Championship at Blacktop Battle! Finally! Finally, Jon Murray’s seemingly endless title run will come to a devastating and ignominious end! Remember you can watch it all at Rockstarpronetwork.com. Until next time, I remain your Rockstar Pro color commentator and the Voice of Professional Wrestling.