Voice of Professional Wrestling (Amped 8-1-18)
Yeah, shit idiots. Bork Torkleson here once again with a bunch of information that you’ll barely read and hardly appreciate. Sometimes I wonder why I bother. Nevertheless, it’s time for another recap of all the great action brought to you by the good people at Rockstar Pro.
The night began with a head-to-head contest between “One Handsome Jack” Shane Bender and “The Cajun Kid” Sage Cainan. These two have built up a good deal of bad blood between them over their few short years of in-ring competition, and the tension between them came to a head once they entered the ring. The two went back-and-forth with plenty of reversals and counters on display. In the end, Cainan hit a Rolling Cutter on Bender to secure the pinfall victory. It was a great opener between two great, young talents!
Next up, “Lost Girl” Samantha Heights and “The Man Without F’n Fear” Kyle Maverick hit the ring with something to say. Maverick spewed a lot of BS about love and commitment and so forth. It was already fairly sickening, then Jeremiah and P.D. Barton interrupted. Jeremiah spouted out some truly vile things about Maverick’s family and Heights’ integrity. He then added injury to insult with a cheap shot to Kyle and Ultimate Destruction on Samantha. Two young wrestlers in love is upsetting enough, but Jeremiah found a way to make a bad situation ever worse.
We talk a lot about the fact that young professional wrestlers are practically banging down our door to get a shot at making a name for themselves at Rockstar Pro. The next match highlights this fact in the best of ways. Returning young blood “The Joesen One” Joe Alonzo faced newcomer Roy “Flash” Gordon. Both of these young men handled themselves very well in the ring. Gordon was particularly impressive considering it was his first fight contested before the Rockstar Nation. Alonzo came out on top after hitting his Cartwheel DVD for the pinfall win. I imagine we’ll see both of these athletes again.
Next up was a Rockstar Nation favorite, the Mosh Pit Scramble! Entrants included “Hawkeye” Steve Manders, Robin Steele, Tyler Vox, Crash Jaxon, “Lights... Camera...” Jaxon Stone, “Bare Knuckle Berserker” Lord Crewe, “Cutthroat” Austin Manix, Logan James, Nate Wings, and “Human GIF Machine” Dave Crist. Pompano Joe tried to butt in, but nobody in the match was interested in his shenanigans. What’s Pompano’s deal anyway? The scramble delivered the thrills, spills and ridiculous number of dives that are typical to the insanity of a mosh pit. At the end of a wild match, and despite a number of interruptions from Pompano Joe, Dave Crist took the win with a Square & Compass to Nate Wings. Dave is still looking strong!
Two incredible talents collided when “Too Swole to Control” Clayton Gainz” faced “Ace of Spades” Ace Austin... Shakespeare! Both of these men are incredible wrestlers with very bright futures ahead of them. And just think. You get to see them every Wednesday night for only a few bucks! Of course, you could watch them fight over and over by subscribing to Rockstarpronetwork.com for a mere five clams per month. But hey, I’m not telling you what to do. Just making a suggestion. Anyway, this one was a battle of wits just as much as it was a clash of brawn. Gainz deftly outsmarted Austin by the end. Clay spit pre-workout into Ace’s face while the referee was otherwise engaged. Gainz then blasted Ace with a 3CC Spear off of the entrance ramp and through the ropes to take the victory!
“Hot Fiya” Myron Reed squared off against “Bad Attitude” Jason Cade in another incredible contest! Both of these gents had big matches awaiting them at The F’n Catalina Wrestling Mixer Vol. 2, with Myron entering the Open Invite Championship Scramble and Cade teaming up with Shane Strickland to enter the tag team tournament! But first they had to get past one another. Cade had to shit on Ohio a bit to kick things off, but Myron was right there to defend his home turf. In the end, Myron covered Jason for the 1-2-3 with a quick countering pin. Another huge win for “Hot Fiya” Myron Reed!
Okay. This one got a little weird. The Rockstar Pro Trios Captain’s Championship was on the line when Night Ryderz faced The Administration. Here’s where it gets strange. It seems “Baddest Man Alive” Aaron Williams was a bit jealous regarding the rest of the Ryderz’s success as Trios Tag Team Champions. He wanted a shot at Bruce Grey’s Trios Captain’s Championship, and The President of the Administration was happy to oblige. Therefore, it was Night Ryderz (“Executive Secretaries of the Night” Dustin Rayz & Alex Colon) and “True Grit” Bruce Grey versus The Administration (“Executive Secretary of Defense” Mr. Boone & “Executive Secretary of Offense” Mr. Bruise) and Aaron Williams. I’ll get right to the good stuff. Yeah, Boone and Bruise were technically on Aaron’s team. We all know, however, that Mr. Bruise and Mr. Boone are all about The Administration and the glory of their leader Bruce Grey. Mr. Boone lived up to his title by taking one for the team. He sacrificed himself to a Bruce Grey DDT to ensure that “True Grit” would remain Trios Captain’s Champion! Aaron Williams clearly wasn’t happy. Tough titties, BMA!
Two behemoths collided as “Acey Baby” Ace Romero faced “Legendary” Larry D in singles competition. This was set to be a great match between two super heavyweights, but Jon Murray ruined it. That’s right. The third longest reigning Rockstar Pro World Champion was too butt-hurt to let his two betters fight it out. Murray attacked both with that damn blue chair and caused the match to end in a No Contest. Great job, Murray! You sack of old balls.
Our main event was a Triple Threat Match for the DDT Pro Wrestling King of DDT Openweight Championship! It was defending champion “Japanese Beast” Shigehiro Irie versus “The Draw” Sami Callihan versus “Fresh Prince of Midair” Trey Miguel. I’m too exhausted to give you details. Just watch it online, turd lords. In the end, Sami won with a tribute to Jake Crist as he pinned Irie with the Work of Art Backslide! Sami Callihan is the new King of DDT Openweight Champion!
Join us again for another exciting edition of Amped from Rockstar Pro! Rockstarpronetwork.com still have all of your wrestling needs, so just subscribe. Until next time, I remain your Rockstar Pro color commentator and the Voice of Professional Wrestling.