Voice of Professional Wrestling (Amped 8-8-18)

Hey ho, zit drippings! It’s time for yet another recap from your work-weary commentator, Bork. Jon Murray’s been #NotMyWorldChampion for almost 200 days now. At least the massive competition is causing him to lose his god damned mind. The chair assailant continues his (hers? their?) reign of terror, and we still don’t know his (hers? their?) identity! Nevertheless, we forge onward with a bad ass Supershow.

We kicked things off with a crowd pleasing Mosh Pit Scramble, even though the ungrateful Rockstar Nation didn’t really appreciate it. Combatants included “Bare Kunckle Berserker” Lord Crewe, Crash Jaxon, Nate Wings, Vinny Pacifico, “Unpredictable” JGeoge Estrella, Pompano Joe, Dustin Rayz, Joeasa, and “Cutthroat” Austin Manix. It was utter chaos, as we’ve come to love in scrambles. In the end, Rayz nailed Joeasa with a Catalyst Driver to get the pin and the win. After securing his victory, Rayz dumped Joeasa on his head once again with another Catalyst Driver. It was at this point that The Administration hit the ring. President “True Grit” Bruce Grey congratulated one of his “Executive Secretaries of the Night” on his win and urged him to blast Joeasa with yet another Catalyst Driver. A defiant Dustin refused. What’s the deal? I thought the Ryderz loved violence more than anything!

Our second contest was a tag team match between the pair of “One Handsome Jack” Shane Bender and One Called Manders and The Administration (“Executive Secretary of Defense” Mr. Boone & “Executive Secretary of Offense” Mr. Bruise). This was a first time pairing for Bender and Manders, so The Administration seemed as confident as ever. Bender seemed a bit hesitant to team up with Manders, but it didn’t take long for him to realize that attaining a victory would rely on teamwork. Boone and Bruise were already well aware of this fact and took control. The Administration took the W after Mr. Bruise’s colossal Pounce on Bender. Looking good, boys! We all must remember to trust.

Ace Austin... Shakespeare defended his DTU Alto Impacto Championship against both “Cajun Kid” Sage Cainan and “Hot Fiya” Myron Reed in our next contest. These three young athletes put on a blistering performance. It was truly one of those blink-and-you’ll-miss-it sort of matches. Ace managed to hang onto the gold after executive a picture perfect Leg Drop from the top rope to take the victory. Ace has already made a name for himself in this sport. Now he just has to do everything in his power to stay on top. And guess what, turd lords. You can watch this one for free on Rockstar Pro’s YouTube channel!

Next up, “The Man Without F’n Fear” Kyle Maverick, with a loyal “Lost Girl” Samantha Heights by his side, faced “The Destroyer” Jeremiah. As always, P.D. Barton was there to officiate any match involving Jeremiah. Jeremiah entered the ring in a bad mood, as our sound guy played the wrong music for his entrance. Maverick fought well by employing both his wrestling prowess and boxing knowledge. Jeremiah would sink to any depths, even grabbing Heights and Powerbombing her onto a downed Maverick. Maverick fought back and nearly pinned Jeremiah with a Small Package, but Barton provided a bit of additional leverage and gave “The Destroyer” a pinfall victory. The wrong music rang out again, and Mathis hit the ring claiming to be a pretty shitty sound guy. “Pure Trash” called out Gee Gee to demand a match against Barton. Gee Gee claimed he couldn’t book a singles match in good conscience, so he booked Jeremiah and Barton versus Mathis and anyone of his choosing! CW Scott almost immediately answered the call, claiming he’d love to personally beat up Barton. Alright. Okay. Weekend at Murray’s just got quite a bit cooler!

In the second recent meeting between two former Rockstar Pro World Champions, “Baddest Man Alive” Aaron Williams faced “Human GIF Machine” Dave Crist. Seriously, just subscribe to Rockstarpronetwork.com and watch this bout between two wrestling greats. I shouldn’t have to keep telling you this. To end this incredible contest, Williams caught Crist square in the back of the head with a knockout Roundhouse Kick. When he came to, Dave challenged “BMA” to a rubber match this September at Weekend at Murray’s.

“Acey Baby” Ace Romero faced “Legendary” Larry D in a massive hoss battle with an intriguing stipulation. If Larry D defeated Ace he would replace him in the Chairs Match for the Rockstar Pro World Championship at Weekend at Murray’s! Everyone was interested in this one. Even Jon Murray dragged his bulbous ass to ringside to watch. Suddenly, the arena was enveloped in darkness as the lights went out. When the room was once again illuminated, Larry D was laid out prone under a pile of steel chairs. Both Romero and Murray seemed befuddled, as Ace picked up a blood-splattered chair that seemed to display the single word “SOON” written in blood. The match ended in a No Contest, and the god damn chair bitch remains at large!

Rich Swann faced an eager “Too Swole to Control” Clayton Gainz in our next contest. Gainz has seized opportunity after opportunity, and this chance to prove himself once again would be no different. Clay employed his more than adequate strength on numerous occasions, but Swann’s speed and agility were just too much to overcome. Swann hit a Handspring Cutter followed immediately by his amazing 450 Splash to pin Gainz and stand tall. Afterward, The President of The Administration “True Grit” Bruce Grey slid into the ring, gave Clay a nasty DDT, and offered hearty congratulations to Swann. Then the two of them danced around like a couple of jackasses. Bruce, you don’t need to pander to these morons!

Our main event was a rematch with the DDT Pro King of DDT Openweight Championship on the line. Newly crowned champion “The Draw” Sami Callihan faced the man he pinned to take the title in “The Japanese Beast” Shigehiro Irie. These two had a killer match with Trey Miguel at our previous Amped, and this contest would prove to be a worthy follow-up. Callihan and Irie beat the piss out of one another like two rams eternally butting heads! Time and time again, they knocked one another to the mat. But no one would give up. Neither would stay down. Irie repeatedly attempted to lock in the Katahajime, but Sami always found a way to break free. Ultimately, after a grueling contest, a massive Clothesline from Irie was enough to keep Callihan down for the three. Shigehiro Irie is once again King of DDT Champion!

Well, that’s it. Another amazing evening of combat sport at Rockstar Pro Arena. Join us every Wednesday for Amped or watch whenever you wish by subscribing to Rockstarpronetwork.com for a mere five bucks a month. Until next time, I remain your Rockstar Pro color commentator and the Voice of Professional Wrestling.

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