Greetings, Brendadirk Cramplescrunches! It’s internet darling Bork Torkleson once again bringing you all the information you desire from Rockstar Pro Wrestling. It feels good doesn’t it? Knowing that I’m here to give you exactly what you desire. Sure, it might take me some time. But all good things are worth the wait. Oh yeah. Here’s some wrestling.
We kicked off the night’s activities with four-way action between “Not My Homey” Pompano Joe, “Executive Secretary of Defense” Mr. Boone, “Lost Girl” Samantha Heights, and “Bare Knuckle Berserker” Lord Crewe. It was definitely an exciting start to the night with three huge talents in the match. Oh, and Pompano was there too. Boone played great defense while fighting off Heights’ super aggressive attacks. Meanwhile, Crewe had a boot or a fist in store for any competitor within his reach. Despite the best efforts of a ringside Mr. Bruise, Pompano somehow hit the Homey Driver on Mr. Boone and took the W. Whatever. Joe’s still not my homey.
Next up, I personally had the honor of welcoming the FINAL Trios Captain’s Champion “Too Swole To Control” Clayton Gainz to the ring. I congratulated Clay on his victory over Bruce Grey at Weekend at Murray’s to win the Trios Captain’s Championship. More importantly, I inquired about his decision to retire the title. Gainz explained that he was simply too massive to be in any trio. After all, how would all that swole man meat possibly fit in the ring? I couldn’t have said it any better myself*. Clay is just too big for the Trios division, so the Trios division is no more! Clay has retired the Trios Captain’s Championship for good, and the Trios Tag Team Championships will henceforth be straightforward Tag Team Championships. Nice work, Clay.
Singles action followed between two young athletes named “The Disasterpiece” Kobain and the so-called “Promised Prince” Brian Pillman Jr. These two had a competitive, albeit short, contest. Kobain displayed his hunger for competition and a drive to better himself. Brian, on the other hand, preened and gurned and taunted the Rockstar Nation throughout the match. Verbally dumping on the nation is all well and good, but I still don’t like this kid’s attitude. Unfortunately, the second generation wrestler proved he could back up his big mouth. Pillman swept around Kobain and planted him into the mat with a Swinging Neckbreaker he calls the Dire Promise.
“The Industry” Devin Driscoll took on The President of The Administration “True Grit” Bruce Grey in head-to-head competition. Driscoll had every advantage over Bruce Grey except one. Only Grey possesses the brilliant mind of The President of The Administration. Despite all of Driscoll’s advantages on paper, we all know that matches aren’t fought via spreadsheets. They’re fought in the ring. Nobody knows their way around a wrestling ring quite like President Bruce Grey. The two went back-and-forth with Driscoll taking advantage of his physical dominance while Grey played a smarter game. He dumped Driscoll with a DDT that led directly to the 1-2-3! Bruce Grey wins again! Just a thought. Devin probably should have just trusted old Brucey Jack.
Things continued to stay personal when “The Destroyer” Jeremiah faced “The Man Without F’n Fear” Kyle Maverick. These two went at it like two angry pigeons fighting over the same kernel of corn. Jeremiah’s attempts to employ his special brand of ass karate were thwarted by Maverick’s boxing and MMA knowhow. Unfortunately for Kyle, Jeremiah was able to get the upper hand. “The Destroyer” locked in the Guillotine Choke to force a submission from Maverick. All this because of some insults and an inexplicable obsession with Samantha Heights? These guys must truly hate each other. Or maybe themselves.
“The Hawkeye” Steve Manders teamed up with Day One Original Nate Wings to face Rockstar Pro Tag Team Champions The Dirty (“Bulletproof” Brandon Edwards & “Cutthroat” Austin Manix) in a non-title tag team match. Even though tag team gold wasn’t up for grabs, the unlikely duo of Manders and Wings fought like they had something to prove. Plus, any win over current champions would put them in line for a title shot. For a first time tag team, Manders and Wings hand some impressive chemistry. But it would take so much more than that to keep Manix and Edwards down. The Dirty employed a new combination attack to keep Manders down for the three. It was a brutal Powerbomb directly into a Backstabber that brought another win to the champions from Detroit! Perhaps next time we’ll have a name for this devastating maneuver, as The Dirty’s reign of dominance continues.
Next, “The Catalyst” Dustin Rayz took on #1 Contender “Legendary” Larry D in a colossal battle! Talk about two gentlemen one wouldn’t want to meet in a dark alley. Both of these fighters are simply in love with violence. This one was a massive confrontation with more devastating strikes than Mark could ever hope to count. Perhaps Rayz was preoccupied with current revelations about Aaron Williams, or perhaps Larry D is just that good! Nevertheless, Larry eventually took control. Tell me if you’ve heard this one before. Larry D won with a bone-crunching Knockout Punch!
Our main event saw “Pure Trash” Ron Mathis confront the new Rockstar Pro World Champion “Baddest Man Alive” Aaron Williams in a non-title match. Any discussion of the biggest influences in Rockstar Pro absolutely must include these two warriors. While Ron showed up for a fight, Aaron approached this one with a calculated plan. Williams targeted Mathis’ neck all throughout this matchup. Every time it seemed like Mathis was about to gain an advantage, Williams would deliver more nasty strikes to the neck. Mathis clearly showed the guts and determination it takes to be a champion at Rockstar Pro, but that didn’t prevent the “BMA” from taking the win by any means necessary. After delivering a monstrous chair shot to Mathis’ throat, Williams hit the Harakiri to drop Mathis and take the pinfall victory. He may fight dirty, but he’s still a way better champion than Jon Murray!
That’s it this time, wank monsters. Tune in again soon for more great action from the incredible athletes at Rockstar Pro. Remember you can see content new and old at Rockstarpronetwork.com for the measly price of only five bucks a month. If you can’t swing that, get a better job! Until next time, I remain your Rockstar Pro color commentator and the Voice of Professional Wrestling.
* Well, maybe a little.